DISCLAIMER: I am not, nor do I pretend to be a professional counselor, therapist, psychic, expert on marriage or know it all about anything. I did not attend school for 8 years and gain a prestigious title that would earn me lot’s of money. All I have is experience. A degree in life. I set out on a journey early in my life and though the scenery, by God’s grace, has changed, I am still a seeker of truth… which in my opinion, ultimately leads to Christ.
In recent conversations with friends who are girls the topic always (and by always, I mean 95% of the time) seems to steer towards relationships.
Some are about friendships but most surround a spouse or significant other.
If there are any guys reading this, there is something you should know… we talk about things other than shoes and shopping, make-up and the latest church gossip.
We talk about sex. The women who have experienced it, those who haven’t and wonder what it will be like some day, those who know it in no other context than abuse, those who wonder if they will ever forgive themselves for past regrets when they freely gave themselves away to anyone who would give them the least bit of attention and those who can’t see the act itself as anything other than dirty due to a parent who was ill equipped to handle “the talk”.
There, I said it.
We don’t degrade anyone or disrespect our husbands in the process. Some of you may be unaware that for some of us, that particular kind of intimacy with you is just as important to us as it is to you.
Okay, back to the girls.
Here is what I wish for you…my hope…my prayer…that you have a friend (who is another female). One who is actively walking with the Lord. (I didn’t say perfect. I said actively walking.) A female who you are able to confide in and ask questions that you have only thought in your mind. Those burning questions that maybe you were taught are completely unladylike to ask.
If they are burning a hole in your mind, clearly they need to be asked. But not to just anyone. Be careful who you trust with your heart.
This is why I BEG you, if you do not have wise counsel in your life, seek it out. Pursue it like you would a relationship with the man of your dreams, because here is what I know, it could be the very thing that saves you from a heart that feels broken beyond repair and regrets that haunt you for the rest of your life.
KEEPIN’ IT REAL MOMENT: I have not always liked women. I grew up a tomboy and liked to play sports. All of my friends were boys except for one, who has been with me since we were toddlers and still remains my closest female confidant. No one knows me better than she and my husband.
I had very few friends who were girls from about the 7th grade on. There are several reasons (in my opinion) for that. Few that need discussing right now. One being that boys were always easier to manipulate than girls. I didn’t like being called out on my b.s. by another girl. I didn’t trust ‘em. Primarily because I was not to be trusted.
Some of you reading this know what I’m talking about. You’ve lived it.
Fast forward to today. I do not know what I would do without my girlfriends. They walk beside me through some of the most confusing, difficult things, especially those rooted in emotion. They speak truth to me. And know I am receptive because, just as they are, I too am trustworthy.
When you go from being the girl who steals everyone’s boyfriend to trying to build relationships with women, it takes time. Sometimes you have to give time, well, time.
Just this morning I was having coffee with a couple of women who I not only call friend, but whose opinions and views I care about. Being that they did not ask to be dragged into my blog post, they shall remain nameless. Just know that they are some stellar chicks who have a good head on their shoulders!
As we talked about different scenarios of relationships (mostly marriages) and grew visibly more and more grateful for our own, we came to the topic of affairs.
I know, touchy subject. But one that should be talked about openly with godly women who will speak truth.
The best time, in my opinion, to discuss preventing an affair is before it happens.
Why don’t we feel like we can talk about things like this?! Why do we wait until it’s too late?! What are we afraid will happen when we address the fact that on average most couples are living in a sexless marriage with little to no communication that pretty much sucks in every area. Why don’t we, together, come up with a battle plan to combat the stereotypes?!
I don’t know the answer. Here is what I do know. (And please hear me out. You’ve read this far, might as well keep reading). A recent study shows that 92% of men who have cheated say that it wasn’t primarily about the sex. The majority say it was specifically a sense of feeling under appreciated or devalued. (No rolling of the eyes, ladies!)
Men are little boys with long legs. They are sensitive (especially when it comes to their self-esteem which encompasses how well they are providing, protecting, succeeding and loving.)
Somehow, somewhere, we women got it in our heads that our men are unshakeable. That nothing should affect them, especially the way it does us.
That simply isn’t so.
Our man wants to be our hero. OUR HERO! Remember that song by Bonnie Tyler – I Need a Hero? For some of us this song evokes memories of leg warmers, white reebok high tops and running in place while awaiting the next move from an aerobics instructor with a sweat band holding back her bad perm.
ANYWAY, back on track…
When my man walks through the door, in from the world and all of it’s toxic arrows, the first thing he should be able to do is shed his armor.
I don’t always allow him to do that. I don’t always tell him what an amazing provider he is and how strong and courageous he is to fight the daily battles that I could never withstand. I’m not always his biggest cheerleader and I don’t always let him know that there is no one to me like him.
I want to. I do.
MY will gets in the way.
MY clouded perception of who does what and who should do more or less, creeps up at times.
MY skewed sense of self worth puts up a wall that isn’t always easily torn down and instead of voicing my insecurity, I lash out.
MY self centeredness kicks in, more than I would like to admit and within moments, my priorities can center solely around my wants.
Ugly picture, yes?
This is not something I’m proud of.
Here is the solution. And I know this, because I have failed at so many other ways of trying.
When I wake up in the morning, I connect with my Heavenly Father.
I ask that He please help me keep that connection open ALL day.
At night, I check back in and review my day.
Be careful what you pray for. When asked with a willing heart, God goes to work.
There is no one in this world to me, like him.
Please Father, guide my actions in a way that shows him my faithfulness and commitment to him alone. Please do not ever let me cause him to doubt that he alone holds my heart and
Let me be the lover of his soul. May we bathe in the beauty that our marriage bed is sacred.
Mold me into the kind of wife that your word speaks of in Proverbs 31:10-31.
It is in Jesus’ name that I ask these things, with the faith that they will come to pass. Amen”
It is my belief that when I cry out to God in this way, satan has no ground on which to stand. He is not able to gain a stronghold, because he is bound by the King of Kings. However, I never lose sight of the truth that what satan wants more than anything is to destroy our family’s.
It leads me back to what I said earlier…please find a group of women or a woman, who will support you on your journey. It has made all of the difference for me.
Remain open to changing things up where needed to avoid a rut in that same old routine. Make it a priority to encourage your partner in front of others in the coming week. Sincere public recognition goes a long way.
Encourage your man to look through your eyes so that he can marvel at what a masterpiece he is. Just using those words with him will make him feel valued.
Some of you are thinking, “That’s great and all, but what’s he gonna do for me?!”
To that I say, “First, start from within yourself. You will be amazed at how everything around you starts to evolve.”
Thank you for you comment Anne! I started blogging less than a month ago as sort of training wheels. I am putting together a book (that I have been working on for a decade 🙂 ) So this blog is like my puppy before the baby. Does that make sense? Anywho, I'm honored that you are reading! Thank you for your feedback!
Joy! This is just amazing! I'm so excited to find this blog and can't wait to read all your posts. What a beautiful, flowing writing style you have. I can almost hear your voice. Lovely. Anne Baker