I pull into the garage slowly, being careful not to knock the side mirrors off. Though I have done this multiple times a day for six years I still have a tendency to nick the mirrors. I push the button to close the door behind me as quickly as possible. The boys have their headphones on and are watching the ninja movie for the umpteenth time. I look at the empty passenger seat beside me and it sets in. She’s gone…again.
As much as I love the fall season, I also dread what it means. Summer comes and goes, taking with it the bulk of my time with Bella. Chaos ensues with schedules, school and the many other demands that follow everyday life. As I sit in the car, staring through the windshield at the door leading into the house, I say in a whisper, “I don’t want to go inside and face the silence.” I don’t want to walk into her room to gather towels and sheets to wash knowing that her presence is no longer there. The silence is deafening.
Realizing that the tears are inevitable, I get the boys settled and head up to my room. Sitting down on the floor and looking up through the window at the blue sky, my prayer is one of hesitancy as I open my fists, in faith, relinquishing control.
“Lord, here we are again. In this place where words do not give adequate meaning to the void. How long will the sadness last this time? Will it be weeks or months? Will it be bearable? Will I be able to perform the daily tasks required of me? Father, I’m tired. I don’t want to go back out into the world. I want to stay here, on this floor. Allowing the carpet beneath me, the ceiling above me and the walls around me to act as tangible support, compensating for my lack of faith. I wish to withdraw from everyone and everything. You have already seen the week ahead. Father, I don’t even know how I am going to do everything I need to do in the time allotted and to add a heavy heart on top of it… It’s too hard.”
This verse came to mind.
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
…That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.”
Isaiah 43:1-4 (The Message)
So for today, in this moment, I will close Bella’s bedroom door and tend to the many other household responsibilities. I will be grateful and smile when I think of the conversations and time together we’ve had over the last few weeks. I will thank God for the ache, knowing that it makes the reunion all the more sweet.
I will meet tomorrow’s demands, tomorrow. Embodying the truth, today, that God always shows up on time and gives me the strength I need, when I need it.
Maybe you need to read this verse everyday too. Here is your downloadable copy You are mine
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And Then She’s Gone
I’ve been clinging to that verse for several months. I understand exactly what you are saying. *EXACTLY*. I have looked at the same empty seat in the car, and thought the same thoughts when facing an empty house. Except in my case, there will be no reunion. But I know that God WILL always show up on time and give me the strength I need, when I need it. He is showing me that He will fill the void that has been left. And that He is enough.
Thanks for posting the download!
It will be a process.
You can do this, even when it’s hard.
Your focus is where it needs to be.
Love and Light to you friend.
“Words do not give adequate meaning to the void”; I am sure they never will be. I know you believe this: we would rather have that heart ache than to not love so much that the heart ache is not there. If she did not mean so much and was so dear then it would be easier. When we love someone we certainly do not want that. So we welcome the hurt because that is the only way we want our relationship to be; to be so grand and so glorious that the absence means so much. I do not ever want not to hurt when I am separate from those that I love and love me. I welcome it because it confirms the incredible worth of the relationship and the love.
I know you have that for Bella… It is so apparent! 🙂
Thank you Mark.
Yes, much is revealed in the pain.
Awwww!! I just read this and wish I could give you a great big hug right now! I’m sorry I couldn’t do more to cheer you up today! Just know you will be together again soon, and that you are a good mama!! One that I look up to greatly! I love you!
😉 Love you too!
But she is not gone for good! May God comfort you as you re-live all the wonderful memories this summer with her!
Thank you Janie.
Indeed, she will be back 🙂