Weekly Photo Challenge: Fleeting Moments

Posted on June 29, 2012 by Joy

The photo challenge this week is to share a captured moment…that is fleeting…in the street. The following five pictures capture memories. The ones that make me feel lucky to have a camera in my hands at that exact moment in time.

“Yes. Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments.
Don’t rent them out to tomorrow. Do you know what you’re doing when you spend a moment wondering how things are going to turn out…?
…You’re cheating yourself out of today. Today is calling to you, trying to get your attention, but you’re stuck on tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today that you wasted is gone forever. It’s now yesterday. Some of those moments may have had wonderful things in store for you, but now you’ll never know.” ~Jerry Spinelli

“Who came up with minutes, anyway?
Who needs them?
Name one good thing a minute’s ever done.
They shorten fun and measure misery.
Get rid of them, I say.
Down with minutes!
And while you’re at it–take hours with you too.
Don’t get me started on them.”
~Jerry Spinelli, Love, Stargirl

Slaying Dragons

Posted on June 28, 2012 by Joy

While rushing to get ready for an appointment the other day, my three year old became very concerned. Here is a glimpse into our conversation.

Him: “Mom, where are you going?”

Me: “Mommy is going to the doctor, Darling.”

Him: “What hurts.”

Me: “Nothing hurts, Love. It’s just a recheck. ”

He looks up at me with those big brown eyes and says, “Mahhhhmmmmm, nobody goes to the doctor unless something hurts. I need to go too so that I can take care of you.”

Heart melting, I knelt down and said, “I promise nothing hurts and I love that you want to take care of me. I am so proud of you. You are an amazing human being, my son.”

With that he gave me the half grin and looking down at the floor said, “Well make sure they give you a sticker when you’re done.”

“I will.” I said, as I watched him run back to his toys.

I cannot proceed without saying that, of all three of my children, this is the child with the toughest skin. Nothing gets to him. If you don’t like something about him, he couldn’t care less. He’s strong, determined and focused.

This tender moment with him was confirmation that, no matter how tough or strong one may seem, everyone needs connection. Maybe all of those times when I hugged him tightly even when he was squirming to get away, have been effective?

Raising boys is a huge responsibility and one that is not to be taken lightly. Yes, right now they are boys, but one day they will be men.

Am I raising men of integrity?

Am I intentional when it comes to praying for my men in the making? Or do I come before the Father and say, “Lord, you know what they need. You know who they are. Please help them seek you always. Amen.”

Honest answer… as much as I don’t like it… there are far more times when I say the brief, non specific, saying this out of a feeling of duty or guilt, prayer.

This year, my goal has been to ask the Father for 3 specific things that He would have me pray for each of my children.

I wanted Him to show me all at once so that I could make my list and get started. However, He is making it clear that more will be revealed as time goes on. He is calling me to step back, put down my list and observe my precious ones.

In doing so, He is showing me a few things about my boys that are part of their DNA, the way they are created, not things that I should try to break them of (so to speak) or change.

Boys need to release energy. They need to scream, throw sticks and balls and various other things. They need to run until they are out of breath. To deprive them of this outlet is to ask for caged chaos.

Boys need to know that it’s okay to express emotion. They shouldn’t have to turn in their “man card” before having a good cry? Since when does being male mean that you have dehydrated tear ducts? This is important, because the world will tell them otherwise. Suppressed emotion now = misplaced anger later. Whether you have testosterone or estrogen, crying is healthy. Be a safe place for them to cry.

Boys need discipline with encouragement. What do I mean? I’m not totally sure I can explain it… Depending on what they are being corrected for, they need to be encouraged at the same time. For example… “No, you don’t need to use a whole roll of paper towels, but I am so proud of you for cleaning up the spill yourself.” They need to know that they are being “groomed for greatness” and that they are going to make mistakes along the way. Wait to make a big deal when the mistakes involve their character.

Boys need the freedom to be warriors, adventurers and conquerors. God put this desire in them. Let them make pretend guns out of their legos and swords out of branches that they find on the ground. Don’t hinder them from digging in the dirt, building forts and climbing on things.

When they come in from playing, they should smell like they need a bath.

Ladies, this goes for grown men as well. They need to be around other men. I’m not talking about at the bar (necessarily), but whether they play golf or shoot skeet, they need that time to bond, away from us. They are just little boys with long legs.

That last paragraph is probably going to irritate some of you, but I’m okay with that, because maybe you have yet to realize, the more you love them with an open palm, the more they will love coming home to you. For those of you thinking, “You don’t know my husband!” You’re right, I don’t. However, out of all the men, including mine, that I have talked to, the response has been unanimous.

I strongly suggest, if you haven’t already, that you read “Wild at Heart” by John Eldridge. You will not agree with everything he says, but that’s okay. There are so many useful things to walk away with and who better to explain a man than, well, a man?!

I cannot and should not expect my boys (including the big one) to act like a girlfriend in any way, shape or form. If I do, I am setting myself up for constant disappointment. Whether we are talking about a 3 year old or a 36 year old, they do not want to sit and talk about feelings for hours. Honestly, they do not want to hear us verbally process in circles until we figure out the answer. When it comes to my boys, I have found bullet points to be most useful.

When I need a girlfriend, I call a girlfriend. See how easy that is?! There are some things that men will never understand about us. Let’s be honest, there’s plenty that we don’t even understand about ourselves. The sooner we accept this truth, the better off we will be.

To sum it up, here is what I am learning about being the mother of boys…

Be a builder, not a tearer down.
Be a safe place for vulnerability.
Love them until you feel that you cannot love anymore. No matter their reaction, it matters.
NEVER embarrass or discipline them in front of others. This should be a private thing and kept within the sanctuary of the family.
Tell them you love them and you are SO proud of them.
Be sincere and specific when complimenting their efforts and achievements.
Show them that they are yours, no matter what. I uses phrases like, “My son.”
Brag on them in front of others.
Be someone that sets the standard for who they will want to marry.
Be affectionate to your husband in front of them. Talk about how strong he is and what a wonderful provider he is. Thank him for how hard he works. Tell him that you love him when they can hear it. Kiss him on the mouth when he leaves the house or for no reason at all. It’s okay for them to see that. Don’t let their response of “Ewwwwwwwwwwww” fool you. They are learning how to interact in a healthy way with the one they love. (If there is not a husband in the picture, be very careful about the way you speak about men in front of them.)
Pray for and with them. Pray for strength and valor. Pray for wisdom and guidance. Pray for your abilities as a mother. Pray for your family. Pray that God will guard their heart and direct their decisions.

Ladies, if you are in a relationship or married to a man that didn’t experience this from his mother, it’s not too late. It’s never too late.

So, men, women, children…what would you add to my list?

When ya gotta go, ya gotta go…Officer

Posted on November 4, 2011 by Joy

I was trying to explain this as he stopped behind my car, where I had pulled over to let my 3 year old…how shall I say…relieve himself.

(Go ahead, judge me. I deserve it.)

I was sure it would help my case that the police officer was a male, as he could empathize with my little boy’s full bladder and the fact that it’s actually faster to pull over and let him drop trou on the side of the road. As he walked over, I quickly began justifying my actions in the most ~~manipulative~~…I mean, logical and honest of ways.

“Well Officer, he hasn’t been potty trained for that long and when he says he has to go, you can guarantee, in less than 5 min., he’s gonna go. And, well, I told him to go before we left the house just down the road and he said he didn’t have to. I won’t make that mistake again! Next time I will MAKE him go before we leave! AND he doesn’t have his pants around his ankles…they are just below his cute little 3-year-old buns. I am blocking him as best I can! I’m sorry! I know I should have gone into the store and used the facilities, but you see, I am somewhat of a germaphobe and public restrooms make my skin crawl. And port-o-pots, well, I feel like sanitizing my hands after just looking at one!”

I paused long enough to breathe and then apologized profusely. Some call it groveling. I call it, not going to jail for indecent exposure and urinating on public property/grass (even if it was done by a 3-year-old)!

“I won’t do it again (knowing that I would, I would just pick a less traveled patch of grass next time), Sir! I’m so, so sorry! I have always been one to ask forgiveness rather than permission. I’ve learned my lesson!”

I noticed a grin start to spread across his face.

Cue inner monologue: “Oh no! He’s going to make an example out of me, I just know it! When the police station or DFCS calls Chris to come and pick up our child, while I’m sitting in a jail cell with a prostitute and teenager who was arrested the night before for public intoxication, well, I just don’t know how I will explain this to him?! There’s always a positive side. I’m wearing my “Be Bold” bracelet from church, maybe I can share with the gals in my cell! Yeah! It all makes sense now!”

About 5.3 seconds had passed without a word.

I looked down to see my son with his jeans now around his ankles. Thankfully his lightning McQueen underpants were pulled up! He was grinning from ear to ear up at the policeman.

Just then, my sweet boy exclaimed with utter delight, “YOU’RE A COMMUNITY HELPER!!!”

“That’s right, son. I sure am.” said the officer proudly.

He then looks at me and says, “Ma’am, that was quite an explanation you gave. You an attorney?”

“No, Sir.,” I replied.
“I’m a writer who loves photography and my day job is, Preschool Director… at my church.” (Ughhhhh, please don’t ask which church!)

By this time I was sure that my entire face was red and my chest was splotchy (this is what happens when I am humiliated).

He chuckled, making me feel even more inadequate as a mother and someone who cares for others children.

I couldn’t see his expression through the dark lenses of his glasses. “I have a grandson about your boy’s age. He loves to pee in the yard. I hated to stop your speech, seein’ as you were on such a role. Though it wasn’t necessary.”, he said.

“Really?! You have no idea…”

He interrupted, “I admire you for allowing your son to be a boy. Maybe next time you could avoid the grass right off a major road. Some people tend to frown on things like this.”

“Um, yes, Sir! Thank you, Sir! Thank you! I’m sure your grandson is a fine boy!” (Did I really just call his grandson a fine boy?! Shut up, Joy!!!)

“Have a nice day, young lady.”

“You too!” I said with enthusiasm while waving vigorously as he drove away. My child still standing in his underwear with his pants around his ankles said, “Mom, can we go now?!”

“Yes, Darling. Thank the Lord, we can!”

There are three takeaways from this story…

#1 ~ Talk less.

#2 ~ Never judge a mother letting her child go number one on the side of the road. Find out the circumstances. Then you can judge.

#3 ~ Don’t talk about others in a negative light, one day you may find yourself doing the exact same thing that made you think them absurd.

photo credit

Why I lie to my kids

Posted on October 23, 2011 by Joy

I can just hear the inner monologue now…WHAT?! She lies to her kids?! What kind of parent does that?!

Um, just about every parent I know or have known.

Just the other morning, I dropped my son off in his class at church and he turned and said, “When will you be back?” “In just a few minutes” I said. (LIE!)

As his big brown eyes looked up at me, his little voice said, “What time is it now?”

“Almost 9 o’clock.” I responded.

“And what time will you be back?” he asked.

(By this time the line to check in was growing and our conversation had intrigued several who were waiting.)

“A little after 10:00 Darling. It won’t be long.” I said.

“That’s more than a few minutes!” he exclaimed.

Not knowing what else to say, or how to escape the trap in which I had just been caught, I pulled him to the side and knelt down so that we were eye level.

As my 5 yr. old pulled on my arm saying, “Let’s GO mommy! I wanna go to my class!” I knew I couldn’t miss this opportunity to keep it real with my youngest.

“You’re right, son.” I said.
“It’s actually going to be about 75 minutes.”

“Oh. Okay.” he said. And went running back into his classroom.

I was still kneeling on the floor when I looked up to see pity in the parental gazes coming from my onlookers. “It’s not as if YOU are always honest with YOUR children?!” I thought to myself in a very loud thinking voice. You know the one.

So, I head upstairs with my 5 yr old to drop him off at his class, still a little bewildered by the fact that my 3 yr old just called me out.

As I was waiting in line, a first time visitor was being escorted to the front so that she was able to drop off her child and tell them good-bye.

He runs into the classroom and I hear her say, “BY HONEY! Mommy will be back in just one minute!” (LIE!) I was thinking to myself, that kid will be lying on a shrink’s sofa one day explaining how it all started when his mother said she would be back in one minute and did not return for over an hour.

Photo Credit Freelance Folder

A little dramatic, I know! But I wanted to make her just as bad as I was. I wanted her to be a liar too!

Here’s the deal…this may seem like such a small thing to you. And for those of you still reading, hopefully this will make some sense.

It is a meaningless comment/exaggeration of the truth. UNTIL your 3 yr old calls you out on it!

It started a process of personal inventory. Which if you have ever done this, it is no small feat.

Instead of pointing at the lady in front of me and taking her inventory, which I knew nothing about, mind you, I was forced to look at myself.

What other things do I lie about?

Some of you will not have to be so introspective. For me, my sanity not only relies on this kind of honesty, it requires it.

Photograph : http://www.risesmart.com

I was a liar for a long time, so when I catch myself telling anything that even appears to be a lie, it scares me a little. If it looks like a lie, smells like a lie and sounds like a lie, well, it’s a lie.

Does this mean I’m going to tell my children all of the ridiculous things I did and poor decisions made while growing up. No. Does it mean that I will be one of those parents who says, “I never actually inhaled.” No. I don’t want to be that either.

SO, there is a fine line between truth and TMI.

What is it though?

No…really…I’m asking you…WHAT IS IT?!

I don’t know! I believe it depends on the person, the extent of the information and the age of the child.

Am I justifying my actions? Probably. I tend to do that when I want to feel okay about doing something that I’m not sure is okay to do.

Many studies have been done on how children develop and the way their minds work. It is said that a child 6 yrs or younger does not have the ability to reason. Hence the phrase, “7 is the Age of Reason.”

There is a great article titled “The Truth About Lying” and in it, the author says,
“From about age 4 on, children lie for many of the same reasons adults do: to avoid punishment, to gain an advantage, to protect against an unwanted consequence, and even to boost self-esteem. Youngsters, like adults, sometimes lie to demonstrate power, to maintain privacy, or to protect a friend. When a child lies, she is essentially trying to change a situation, to reconstruct things the way she wants them to be. (Hmmm, at times I still do this.) There is a developmental progression to lying.

Helping your child develop morality and responsibility for his actions over the long haul is the goal…
Model the behavior you expect to see in your child. (I thought I was doing that?!) This sounds obvious (YES, it does!), but it involves monitoring when and how you lie — not an easy task (NO, it isn’t!). If we want to foster a trusting, self-regulating child who cares about his own welfare and that of others, we have to do it the hard way: by being trusting, self-regulating, and respectful adults.” (Ouch!)

Why then, you ask, did I take the time to reason with my 3 yr old? Well, because I think he deserves to know the difference between a few minutes and 75.

All children are different. Mine was content hearing an explanation.
Do I recommend this when he is in mid tantrum. Nooooooooooooooooooooo. But when he is calmly asking for an explanation, I’m going to give him one, whether an “expert” tells me he understands or not.

So, I leave you with no answers today. Only questions.

What are the lies you’re telling your kids and where’s the line?

Just to make you feel better and not leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth and that befuddled look on your face. To get us started, here are a few of the lies that I can remember telling my kids in the last week (give or take a few days).

What I said:
Play land is closed today (at McDonald’s)
What I meant:
There is no way you are going to play in there! Ew. I’m sure they don’t crawl through all of those tunnels and clean it once a week. I wouldn’t.

What I said:
Mommy is going to take a break and have some quiet time for a few minutes.
What I meant:
Mommy is going to go upstairs, close the door, take some deep breaths while listening to songs on Pandora, none of which will have rhymes about counting or the alphabet.

What I said:
We will go outside in 10 minutes.
What I meant:
When I finish what I am doing, then we will go outside. I’m not sure how long it will take.

What I said:
Mommy is going to run an errand. It will only take a minute.
What I meant:
You’re going to stay here with daddy while I get in daddy’s car (instead of the minivan), roll down the windows, open the sunroof, turn up the music and sing at the top of my lungs while driving around the neighborhood.

What I said:
No honey, this is special mommy chocolate. Boys don’t eat this kind of chocolate. It’s only for girls.
What I meant:
I don’t want to share this chocolate with you. I made a special trip to Whole Foods to buy the good stuff (translation: 70% cacao and imported) and you don’t know the difference between this and a Hershey bar. Besides, I have given up alcohol, so I should not have to share my chocolate.

What I said:
It’s bedtime!
What I meant:
It’s been a really long day and you didn’t take a nap. I know it’s an hour early, but since it’s getting dark earlier, you don’t know whether it’s bedtime or not and I want some “me time”.

Now, do you feel better about yourself? You should. I have a lot of work to do! No wonder my children have no concept of time!

Are all of God’s Children Created Equal?

Posted on October 9, 2011 by Joy

“There is only one God and He is God to all; therefore it is important that everyone is seen as equal before God. ~Mother Teresa

“…red, brown, yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight…”

Or are they?

Do you believe that we all start out with the same deck of cards (so to speak)?
The same possibilities…chances…hopes…dreams? We have the same beginning but with vastly different endings?

OR, do you believe that before we are ever conceived, our fate has been decided?

Would God really assign one child to a crack addicted girl while giving another to someone who has dreamed of being a mother for years?

Or what about an alcoholic woman, who, every time she goes to the bathroom prays (to whoever is there) that she will see blood in the toilet as a prerequisite for a miscarriage, mainly because she doesn’t know who the father is. And let’s be honest…she isn’t giving up the booze.

I have heard the following phrases and those similar (as I’m sure you have too),
“Well, we work with the cards we are dealt”
“But for the grace of God go I”
“Worthless drunk. Why can’t he/she just pull it together. It’s lack of discipline I tell you!”
“How could anyone just give up their baby?! Wow, are they going to be sorry later!”
“They obviously chose the short straw.”
Maybe I have used a few of these phrases. YIKES. The thought of it coming out of my mouth makes me cringe.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a difficult battle.” ~Plato

My man and I were in a certain part of the city today.
It was fairly early for a Saturday.
As we sat outside enjoying the beautiful weather, one homeless person after another came into the park across from where we were.

I watched them with their packs of belongings, their dogs on the end of a thick string and their feet black from walking either barefoot or with worn sandals.

There is a couple that stood out to me. I watched them for a while.
He looked to be comforting her over something.
I watch him approach a passerby. I figured he was asking him for money. To my surprise, he had asked for his to go box that was in his left hand.
The man gave it to him and quickly walked away.

He then took it over to the woman that he was seemingly consoling and gave it to her. She opened the styrofoam container and ate the left over contents from the strangers meal.

Photo by EyeTunes (CC)

“Make us worthy, Lord, to serve those people throughout the world who live and die in poverty and hunger. Give them through our hands, this day, their daily bread, and by our understanding love, give them peace and joy.” ~Mother Teresa

I see the same man walking up Peachtree on my way to work everyday.
And on my way home he is walking in the opposite direction.

I always notice his mannerisms…the way that he hangs his head when a suit walks by or when a woman crosses to the other side of the street to avoid his stink and stare…
The fact that he is always scratching his thickly bearded face.

All the while, conversing in my head, “He probably has head lice and there is no telling what’s living in that beard? I wonder how long it’s been since he’s had a shower? Where does he use the bathroom? I wonder if he even wants help? I can only imagine how bad his body odor is…Why doesn’t he go to a shelter? He probably has to eat out of dumpsters. I wonder if I could ever do that?! People seem to look right through him as if he is not even there. Is that hurtful to him, or has he grown accustomed to it? I wonder how long he’s been on the street?”

I see him walking as if his left leg is shorter than his right. His skin has leathered from the elements and his hair is almost white with spots of grey.

I wonder who he was? I wonder how he became what he is? I wonder if he had a family and a life? A house with a two car garage and a front lawn that he had to mow once a week.

I wonder if he has children somewhere who no longer speak to him?

I wonder if he prays?

I wonder if he feels inadequate and beaten down? I mean, how could he not?

The first day I remember seeing him, I was driving down Peachtree and came to the stoplight, there he was, walking down the sidewalk. “Oh Lord, please don’t let him ask me for money! Please. You know I will give it to him and it is probably to support whatever habit he has.” I avoided eye contact. You know the kind, when someone in utter desperation looks at you and if you are looking at them, you are now involved somehow.

“Don’t look. Just look straight ahead. Good Lord! Is this the longest stoplight in Georgia?!”

I couldn’t help it, I had to look back over to my right where he was walking.

My eyes met his. They were the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen, with lines as deep as valleys encasing them.

He didn’t smile…he did not approach my car and ask for money…he just kept walking.
“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” ~Mother Teresa

Just then I heard the car horn behind me…the light was green.

As I drove on, all I could hear in my head was a quote from Mother Teresa saying, “They are all Jesus in disguise”.

I was shaken. I was…changed.

I began looking for this man every morning and afternoon on my commute.
What is his name? Does he go to a shelter? Does he reside under a bridge? Is he mentally stable?

“Lord, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH THIS?! Why is this person in my path everyday? More than once? I do not know what I am supposed to do with this?! But I know I can’t simply do nothing. I can no longer turn my head and look the other way.”

Besides, that could be me…

“Nah, banish that thought! Put it out of your mind!”

No really, I wasn’t too far from where he is and I certainly deserved to be eating from dumpsters without a bed to sleep in or a roof over my head.

If I say, “Thankfully God was looking out for me!!” Does that mean that He is not looking out for this man?

I’m guessing that when he was little he didn’t dream of one day living on the street. Calling a bridge under I-85 “home sweet home”. I seriously doubt that he saw himself walking around the polluted city streets for hours a day in a sweat stained wife beater and hole filled jeans, while carrying everything he owned in a pink backpack.

I think he dreamed of being something more.

So what happened?

I don’t know? Maybe it was the cards he was dealt? Maybe he’s unlucky? Maybe his destiny was always to be that of a homeless wanderer?

OR…

Maybe not! Maybe someone just like me, at another place and time, before things got so bad, passed him by…looked the other way…figured someone else would help him?

“You and I, we are the Church, no? We have to share with our people. Suffering today is because people are hoarding, not giving, not sharing. Jesus made it very clear. Whatever you do to the least of my brethren, you do it to me. Give a glass of water, you give it to me. Receive a little child, you receive me.” ~Mother Teresa

Do you know what I love and adore about Buckhead Church, my church (with no steeple)? I LOVE that I am constantly challenged to BE THE CHURCH. I am encouraged to BE BOLD. I don’t wait for God to meet me in a building on Sunday, I seek and walk with Him daily. Do you know how powerful that is?! That is a truth that I did not accept until I was 3 decades into my life.

I know that it’s easier not to look or listen or…notice, but I beg you…please…open your eyes.
Or better yet, ask for a new set of eyes. My prayer is, God, Give Me Your Eyes and then help me do something with what I have seen and not worry about what other people think of me.

“If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies;
succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
be honest and frank anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
do good anyway…
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway.”
~Mother Teresa