Everything I thought I knew I no longer know

I heard something today that broke my heart
Shook me to my core
Turned my world upside down
Made me question everything I have ever known
Evoked feelings of anger, sadness, remorse, disgust, angst

I wanted to go into the bathroom stall and puke my guts up until I felt better
Until my insides were numb
Until I made this raw, scraping feeling in the pit of my stomach go away

I knew that kind of relief is temporary and soon fleeting
I also knew that
I didn’t want to feel the way that I felt

For those of us who have been through a season of escapism
and come out on the other side
We are fully aware that the only way to remain mentally, emotionally and spiritually sound is to sit in our feelings
No matter how difficult
No matter how long it takes
Acceptance is key

I find at times that remaining physically sober is much easier than
maintaining and nurturing spiritual, mental and emotional sobriety
These are the places where the atrocities begin
sometimes long before the action ever happens

If I do not face, sort and squash things where they originate
the outcome is always one of tragedy, personal or otherwise

Thankfully, I have an incredible network of individuals who know me
The real me
The person who is broken time and time again
Flawed and scarred

Those amazing souls
Living and passed
Some whose voice I hear audibly
Others I must feel with my heart and recall in my memory

A girl like me, has to surround herself with truth
Light that dispels the darkness
Wisdom of others who have gone before me

One of my favorite speakers is Jud WIlhite
I will frequently go to iTunes and listen to past talks of his
Today was no different
I needed to be quiet and listen

There was one thing he said in this session that struck me as deeply as the painful news I had heard just hours before, only it brought hope instead of harm
It was his response to a friend who had walked through a season of darkness and at the time engaged in a lot of self-injury
Now on the other side of it, she asked him how she would one day explain the scars to her daughter.

His response was this, “All you need to do is look her in the eye and say, these scars mean one thing these scars mean that your mommy survived by the grace of God and he’s done a work of healing in my life.”

So today, right now, in this moment
I choose recovery
I choose life
I choose truth
I choose hope
I choose love
I choose grace

How could I not?!
After all, that is what has been shown to me
Over and over and over and over again

“Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.” Ephesians 5:1-2

If you would like to hear the message that I listened to today from Jud Wilhite click here

16 thoughts on “Everything I thought I knew I no longer know

  1. Pingback: Christians and their secrets | Even A Girl Like Me

  2. You shared that with such honesty. I could understand the pain and the hope. Some people only share the pain because they haven’t found a solution. I am grateful you found your way and are willing to share it with us.

    • Thank you so much, Cathy.
      I am continuously finding my way 🙂
      As long as I know who to look to when I lose it, I’m sure to find it again.

  3. Joy, I know that in moments of devastation it can be a struggle just to get to tomorrow. I pray that God would wrap His loving arms of comfort around you at this time. His grace is abundantly available. Peace be with you.

  4. I’m so sorry to hear about the raw pain. 😦 Choosing hope, choosing grace – all the things you listed – are the things that will get you through… It’s difficult to learn to ‘sit in our feelings’ and it’s something I struggle with sometimes when I just want to cover my eyes, curl up in a ball and hide. I pray that you find peace in whatever chaos surrounds you. 🙂

  5. Yes, flawed and scared, we choose grace. It took me considerably longer than it did you, to learn to ‘sit in my feelings’. Being pleasing wasn’t just natural ofr me, I thought it was Godly. Very thoughtful post. I’m glad Greg reposted you.

    • Thank you, Debbie!
      It is still difficult to “feel” the feelings, but I have to. I’m the girl who, if I go back to the way I was, I may not make it out alive again.
      Thank you for reading and for commenting.

  6. Pingback: You do what you have to do to survive « Lies Like Poetry

  7. Pingback: Everything I thought I knew I no longer know « Inspirational Christian Blogs

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