I received a notification yesterday that my friend Elliot’s Caring Bridge site had been updated. I decided to read it after small group so that I could focus, send a response and not be hurried.
I woke up this morning with the first thing on my mind being that I had not read the update. So I quietly went down the stairs, before dawn, opened my laptop and read the latest explaining the results of a CT scan done after she spent the night in the hospital due to feeling ill for several days.
As I read the words, “the cancer is back in the liver, lungs and abdominal wall, along with an embolism in the lungs” I felt fury and rage well up from my gut.
While sitting in the dark with only the glow of my laptop, I said out loud, “Lord, are you kidding me?! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!”
This is when Faith and Fear are companions.
I used to believe that fear and faith could not coincide, however, I was wrong. What is faith for, if not to come alongside fear and banish it?
As I write this, tears stream down my face and onto my t-shirt. The anger and fear and lack of understanding now stain my cheeks in the form of black mascara. How appropriate as I don’t feel a lot of light right now. I feel heaviness…sadness…darkness.
This is when I truly know that I understand very little about the Creator and his ways.
An example that God does not operate from a place of fairness. And aren’t we glad he doesn’t? If he did, some of us would be done for (myself included.)
I am having a really difficult time with this one. I know that it is not mine to always understand, but a little clarity would be great. I don’t think that it angers God to know how I really feel about this? He sees my heart anyway. Not much hiding going on here.
I know that he is faithful. All I have to do is look in the rear view mirror to see proof of that. However, that doesn’t make it hurt any less. And for those of you who say, “I’ll pray for her.” Don’t let those be empty words. Pray. Pray every chance you get. Pray in the bathroom stall at work, when you’re saying the blessing before a meal, when you’re sitting at your desk, as you’re browsing Facebook, driving to the grocery store…Pray without ceasing.
For those who are thinking, “Well, God has a plan.” Yes, I know that God has a plan, but that doesn’t lessen the painful reality that my friend is fighting something that wants to take her life.
So please spare me the christianese statements. I know them all by heart. In fact, don’t say anything for the sake of speaking. Just pray. Even if you have never prayed before. Start now. It’s easy. Just have a conversation. Start with, God…
When you do, picture my beautiful friend in your mind. Burn her image on your brain so that when you storm the gates of heaven with petitions for healing, you will know exactly who you are bringing before the throne of grace.
I don’t know what the future holds, but in these times when my souls screams out, I am grateful that I know who holds the future. And right now, he is the only one who makes any sense at all.