Where is God now?

How could I ever look at anything and ask, “Where’s God?!” All I have to do is look out my window. I can see God everywhere, in everything.
But I have been in that place. More than once. Spiritual desolation where God is nowhere to be found. That corner of hell with gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair.

That place where a young mother is diagnosed with cancer and dies less than a year later leaving a husband and two young children that she worked so hard to have.

The place where baby’s who are “incompatible with life” are carried full-term, the mother’s belly sliced open to give baby life and after a few short days out of the womb the mother is left with memories, photos and a wound far greater than the one from the blade of the scalpel.

The place where ends don’t meet.

There’s no happily ever after.

Where regret is a constant companion and depression is the norm.

Where one begins to doubt heaven and the existence of a God at all.

What kind of God would take the life of a 17-year-old girl with all the promise in the world, one beautiful day after a small town football game? Her mother recalls her saying, “It’s the most beautiful day! I don’t remember a day quite like it?” That was one of the last things she heard her daughter say.

Who wants to know a God that watches two small children lay flowers on their mother’s grave and ask their daddy night after night, “Where’s mommy?”

If God is so good wouldn’t he grant the wish of the young wife who has cried herself to sleep for the last 5 years when the pregnancy test is negative…again.

What about the children who are sold into a world of sex and abuse. Being promised to the dirtiest of men who use them up and throw them away when they’re finished. Surely God doesn’t see or hear their whimper for help. How could he and not do anything about it?!

I don’t know the answer. What I do know, without a doubt in my mind, is that God is good…all the time…even when it doesn’t feel like it. I have crouched, head in hands, digging nails into my scalp, hoping the pain would cure my numbness.

I have been in my corner of self-inflicted hell with seemingly no way out while making promise after promise to my Creator of what I would abstain from if only he would get me out of the current circumstances and save me from myself.I have committed heinous acts thought to push me far beyond forgiveness.

Here is what I know. The same God who calmed the sea when he told Peter to walk out on the water to him, calms my heart when I don’t understand his plan. Just like Peter, when I take my eyes off of him, I sink into the very thing I think capable of overtaking me.

I want to have faith. I do. I want to see every situation through the eyes of a just and loving God with a plan far greater than my own…but more times than not, I don’t. Half the time I shake my fist to the heavens while the other half I lay face down on the floor, arms out, palms open, “Thy will be done, Lord. Not my will, but thine.

I don’t understand his ways. Why should I? I was never promised full disclosure. If I were granted understanding, would there be a need for faith? What would it really change?

He is a God who gives and takes away.

His love endures forever and ever.

I believe.

The only other option is the opposite of hope. A life of uncertainty, waiting for the next “thing” to happen. Asking myself when atrocities occur what I could have done to prevent it, when none of it is within the realm of my control, nor would I want it to be.

God is God and I am not.
All knowing.
All seeing.
All wise.
The same yesterday, today and forever.

There is one thing I do have control over.
The choices I make.
In this moment,
I choose faith.
I choose not knowing the whole story, but trusting that it will play out as it should.
I choose joy.
I choose grace and mercy.
I choose to see people as God with skin on.
I choose life.
I choose Christ.
I choose freedom.
I choose trust.
I choose forgiveness.

I choose to go out on my back porch, take in beauty that is far too majestic to capture, inhale cleansing breaths through my nose and into every cell in my body, all that is good, all that is well, all that is pure and healing. While exhaling the “what if?” “Why me?” “Why them?” “Why now?” I choose the something far greater awaiting me, if I choose to believe.

12 thoughts on “Where is God now?

  1. Pingback: Even A Girl Like Me

  2. Pingback: Cleansing through tears | Even A Girl Like Me

  3. Sending you virtual hugs Joy… Your words are reflective and sometimes pain filled… hope all is well. I know God is good all the time and we are good too just as we are; perfection not required. Stay blessed.

  4. Joy, your pictures are beautiful—not only for their vibrant color but for what they say about God and life. Even in all their glory, these leaves are dying and will soon fall to the ground—dead. Next spring they will be replaced by green ones pulsating with life. Thus goes the Great Cycle: ebb and flow, life and death, joy and sorrow. This is the way God created our world, and, as your friend Mark says, would we really want it any other way? Suffering throws us into the arms of God as nothing else can, and joy gives us thankful hearts to praise Him for the loving care we receive there. The sweet would not be sweet without the bitter! Good post!

    • So true! The suffering takes me to places I would never go near were I not in a desperate search for the peace that passes all understanding. I’m grateful when I make progress. There are decisions that I make today that can end in pain, but they no longer end in disaster. And that is proof of God’s grace and pursuit of my heart.

  5. Well Said Joy. I like your words here… “I was never promised full disclosure. If I were granted understanding, would there be a need for faith? What would it really change?” I do think if we had full disclosure then our worry would just change shape and we would worry about having to go through this or that regardless of the outcome. Kinda like us bitching and moaning about exercising even knowing it is good for us. And what would happen to the excitement that life provides? It would not exist if we knew what was behind every turn. Bored would not even be the word for it. Maybe it would lead us to do somethings different say if we knew someone was going to die soon. That speaks to us not living the way we should now because we should be living if we were all going to die soon. We should not have time for pettiness. Even knowing the why I am sure it would not salve our souls. I am sure God gives us all the information that we need when we need it. That is what I believe. I need to line up my actions with that belief and the belief that God has my back no matter what it feels like and no matter the harsh reality of life. I do then need to make choices that says this is what I believe.

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