The man I love lays down next to me. He reaches over, lightly caressing the top of my bare shoulder with his strong hand before sleep sets in. Nothing is said. Words are not needed. His arm slips down beside mine as his breathing changes to deep and rhythmic.
I turn to see the outline of his face in the darkness and I whisper, “Thank you God for this man.” His mind brilliant. His body strong. His passion intense and his love complete. Leaving my heart full and desires lacking nothing.
I take his hand and lace the sleepy fingers between mine to feel the energy pulsating through. Is this a dream? This life that I have… is it real? I have been asking myself that same question for the last 10 years. Usually at night when the only sounds are those heard when everything else is quiet.
I turn onto my side and close my eyes soaking in my reality. Knowing how completely undeserving I am of this man and the security he brings. Not underestimating the chemistry that we share.
Pressing my eyelids tight, expecting tears to come, they never do. I squeeze his fingers between mine as he sleeps, realizing that I am growing in the understanding of unconditional love. I am accepting the imperfection of self while giving in to the happily ever after that exists even for a girl like me. At least here. Now. In this place. In this moment of beautiful calm.
How do you get to that place? I left my husband after 24 years because I wanted this. Someone to be invested, go to church with etc. I found that person but I still as if I failed. He’s playing the victim and former friends look me at with such disdain. I prayer daily to move forward and let this go, it’s just very difficult. My mom died 3 years ago Christmas day and my 48 year old sister died Sept. 12, 2011-kidney cancer. So I feel as if there is no one talk with and receive advice.
I had the wonderful pleasure of knowing Elliot. What an amazing wife, mother, child.
Oh Darling! I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I’m so sorry for your loss. My hope is that you will take as long as you need to mourn. Don’t let anyone give you a time limit. Sometimes time takes time.
To answer your question, I got to this place after going into recovery for drug and alcohol abuse. I always thought the problem was someone else. Turns out it was me! It still is much of the time.
I had to turn my eyes inward and change what I didn’t want to admit was rotting away from the inside.
You can do it. It’s hard as hell and a lot of work, but you can. I never liked women. The first thing I did was find a group of women who would walk alongside me and share their wisdom with me. Not necessarily those who had walked the same path as I but those who could look at me without judgement. They believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. There were so many times when I knew death would be easier than healing, but I kept going. You can too.
Now, more than 10 years later, I am so grateful for life and the chance to really live and give back what was given freely to me.
You will be okay…if you want to be.
Love and Light,
Eloquent words of love Joy!
Thank you Mark!
This is so beautiful. I feel this way, often. My hubs is amazing
Thank you! I’m so glad you stopped by!
I have felt this way so many times lately. I almost can’t believe I’m blessed this much. I don’t deserve it for a moment. Sometimes I truly believe I’m God’s favorite. 🙂 I lOve it that He lets all His children believe this. Wonderful post. I love these little glimpses into life.
Thank you friend.
I am overwhelmed by His goodness and grace. Today, I am basking in the warmth of His promises.
Love and Light to you.