When the monster returns, Thy will be done

Posted on April 25, 2012 by Joy

I received a notification yesterday that my friend Elliot’s Caring Bridge site had been updated. I decided to read it after small group so that I could focus, send a response and not be hurried.

I woke up this morning with the first thing on my mind being that I had not read the update. So I quietly went down the stairs, before dawn, opened my laptop and read the latest explaining the results of a CT scan done after she spent the night in the hospital due to feeling ill for several days.

As I read the words, “the cancer is back in the liver, lungs and abdominal wall, along with an embolism in the lungs” I felt fury and rage well up from my gut.

While sitting in the dark with only the glow of my laptop, I said out loud, “Lord, are you kidding me?! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!”

This is when Faith and Fear are companions.

I used to believe that fear and faith could not coincide, however, I was wrong. What is faith for, if not to come alongside fear and banish it?

As I write this, tears stream down my face and onto my t-shirt. The anger and fear and lack of understanding now stain my cheeks in the form of black mascara. How appropriate as I don’t feel a lot of light right now. I feel heaviness…sadness…darkness.

This is when I truly know that I understand very little about the Creator and his ways.
An example that God does not operate from a place of fairness. And aren’t we glad he doesn’t? If he did, some of us would be done for (myself included.)

I am having a really difficult time with this one. I know that it is not mine to always understand, but a little clarity would be great. I don’t think that it angers God to know how I really feel about this? He sees my heart anyway. Not much hiding going on here.

I know that he is faithful. All I have to do is look in the rear view mirror to see proof of that. However, that doesn’t make it hurt any less. And for those of you who say, “I’ll pray for her.” Don’t let those be empty words. Pray. Pray every chance you get. Pray in the bathroom stall at work, when you’re saying the blessing before a meal, when you’re sitting at your desk, as you’re browsing Facebook, driving to the grocery store…Pray without ceasing.

For those who are thinking, “Well, God has a plan.” Yes, I know that God has a plan, but that doesn’t lessen the painful reality that my friend is fighting something that wants to take her life.

So please spare me the christianese statements. I know them all by heart. In fact, don’t say anything for the sake of speaking. Just pray. Even if you have never prayed before. Start now. It’s easy. Just have a conversation. Start with, God…

When you do, picture my beautiful friend in your mind. Burn her image on your brain so that when you storm the gates of heaven with petitions for healing, you will know exactly who you are bringing before the throne of grace.

This is not another name on a “prayer chain.”
This is a beloved friend, daughter, sister, wife and mother.

I don’t know what the future holds, but in these times when my souls screams out, I am grateful that I know who holds the future. And right now, he is the only one who makes any sense at all.

There comes a time when you have to stand up & shout

Quote

Posted on April 24, 2012 by Joy

“Real beauty doesn’t need to starve itself. Real strength doesn’t need to be violent. Real intelligence doesn’t need to be bragged about. Real women don’t need someone to tell them they are wonderful, or beautiful or lovable. Real women already know it!”

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me… or leave me. Accept me – or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don’t fit your idea of who I should be and don’t try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad – you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.”

~Stacey Charter

3 things the girl in your life needs to know

Posted on April 15, 2012 by Joy

I don’t claim to be an expert. My knowledge is based solely on experience. I feel that I am rather well versed when it comes to females. The fact that I am one and that I have raised one to teenage years gives me an inside look into the way our mind, heart and soul work. And how often times they are all tied together by an emotion.

I had the privilege of hanging out with one of my very good friend’s daughter today. She and my son are inseparable. She is the most adorable, beautiful, bright, witty child.
She keeps all three of the males in my house in line, much better than I.

I have become a sentimental sap as of late and today was spent watching this precious child, 4 years old, interact with my boys. It’s fascinating. Truly. We females are born with the same questions we are asking in our 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, 100’s… Those are these;

Do you notice me?
Am I beautiful?
Am I special?

I could add many more to this list and so could you, but these are the overwhelming front runners when it comes to what we need.

Dads and husbands, future dads and husbands, are you listening?

We need to know that;
You notice us.
We are beautiful.
We are special to you.

This is crucial. Please don’t miss this.

Instead of saying to your daughters, wives, significant other, “That dress is so pretty!” Say, “You are so beautiful! You make that dress look so good!” It seems simple, I know. I am fully aware that we are complex creatures. Even we cannot figure out what is going on with us at times. It’s how we are wired. You will never master the female brain, but you can feed the heart and avoid emotional starvation.

Ladies, PLEASE, I beg you, encourage each other. Do not withhold a compliment out of fear of looking or sounding stupid. It may be exactly what the person needs to hear.

When you like the strangers hair in front of you in the check out line, TELL HER.
Most women will tell you that compliments from other women (especially those they don’t know) carry 10 times the weight of the same compliment from a man.

I have had 18 month old girls come up to me when they are wearing a pretty dress or new shoes and point to them while showing me. Without using words, they are asking for affirmation. “Am I beautiful?” “Do I matter?”

Let’s not miss this. Please. It is so very important. For those of you who are thinking, “We should not be focusing on outward beauty. What about their brain?” This is vital for brain development. It’s not about outward beauty. It’s about laying the foundation for a secure woman. By changing phrases like, “Oh, you look so pretty.” To, “You are so beautiful!” We are putting focus on their person and not what they look like in the moment.

Daddy’s of little girls, you carry a huge responsibility. She needs to know that she’s safe, loved (unconditionally) and accepted, by you, no matter what. Mothers of boys, we are not off the hook either. We need to be encouraging our boys to speak to the girls in their life with respect and kindness.

For those single mothers, in a state of survival, who are wondering where this leaves you, may I say that I have been in the single mother shoes. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. It’s labor intensive. It’s 24/7. You are thinking, “This is great for everyone else, but I’m just trying to put food on the table and keep the lights on.” I totally get it. Those of us who call ourselves your friends, your church, your support, need to rally around you and your precious children.

Clearly I’m very passionate about this. If you are a woman who doesn’t agree with the 3 things that I have stated above that women need to know, I want to hear from you. Like I said, I am no expert. I do, however, through years of observation, discussion and living, believe strongly in what I have said here.

Related writings, “Cinda-who? A different kind of Princess.”

Egomaniac with an Inferiority Complex

Posted on February 9, 2012 by Joy

Ever feel like you’re walking around inside out? Like people can see, not who, but what you are?

Or that you have a neon word glowing above your head?

I do.

For me, it could be any number of things over the years… alcoholic, people pleaser, bulimic, liar, gossiper, faker, cheater, doubter, wounded, hypocrite, quitter…the list is lengthy and it only gets worse.

What’s your word?

Did you immediately think of something negative?

Why do I turn into a “Nancy negative” (no offense Nancy) when it comes to self-awareness checks?

Is it because I’m humble? Hardly!

It’s because my ego gets the better of me and I begin comparing my insides to your outsides. I become fixated on the past, instead of focused on the future, while living in the present.

Humor me for a minute and let’s go another route.

What if, when I went out into the world, I walked around with a different list of words adorning my head? Words like…Believer, Redeemed, Recovered, Loved, Forgiven, Cherished, Treasured, Saved, Blessed, Beautiful, Capable, Wanted, Free, Worthy, Accepted…as I wrote these words, I read them out loud. It is amazing the tone, the energy, the transformation of thought from one paragraph to another simply by changing a few words.

Ladies, we are the worst about this. Be careful what you are speaking into the hearts and minds of your daughters, friends and more importantly, yourself.

May I encourage you to try a little experiment with me? Come on! It will be so fun!

Take a dry erase marker (or lippy, whatever works), stand in front of the mirror where you get ready every morning, and in the space (on the mirror) above your head, choose one word of affirmation.

Write the word on your mirror so that when you look at your reflection you will see truth.

I call it, “Affirmation in Action.”

My word right now is “Redeemed.”

I begin my day with that word in my heart and on my mind. I don’t give the lies a chance to one up me.

There is power in our words. Even those never spoken, but that we allow to take up residence between our ears.

If you’re walking around all day with a head full of negative self-talk, stop it.
No really…STOP! You are going against your purpose, everything that you were designed to be. You are deeming yourself spiritually useless.

Harsh? Yes.

I speak from a position of repeat offender when it comes to bashing myself. What I am encouraging you to do, I am doing myself. Work in progress, remember. I don’t have all the answers, I am just very persistent.

It begins from within.

What’s inside you can either tear down and infect those around you with the poison of darkness. Or it can shine, igniting the light in others that is within us all. For some of us only a spark remains, while for others a fire rages.

Here is my promise to you…for the next 7 days, I am going to pray for you. I would LOVE it if you would tell me your word in the comment section below. However, even if you don’t, God knows your word and more importantly, He knows your name.

The future is very bright!

Now…

What’s your word?

GUEST POST: "Churchspeak: A Field Guide"

Posted on January 27, 2012 by Joy

Today’s guest post comes from the beautiful and talented Tamara Lunardo. She’s the real deal folks and a big reason why I started a blog and have put myself out there even when it’s uncomfortable. Visit her blog and stay a while. You’ll be glad you did! ~ Joy
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I was fellowshipping with Suzy, when she really ministered to me by sharing her testimony about getting in the Word. I felt so convicted that I asked her to shepherd and disciple me, and right away she began to love on me. It was totally a God thing.

If you read that without gagging, congratulations– you are officially churched and need read on no further. If you trudged blindly through all that cheese and still stuck around to see where I was going, your patience is about to be rewarded. I present to you Churchspeak: A Field Guide. Because sometimes, what we say gets in the way of what we mean. And we really do want you to come join our flock. (Oh, oops.)

“A God thing”: Used to explain events almost exclusively when they end in our favor and often when they are frivolous beyond justification. E.g., the availability of a designer handbag may well be “a God thing,” but acquiring jock itch is undoubtedly not.

Convict, -ed, -ing, v., adj.: The churchy version of an “oh shit” moment, this Courtroom Christianity term lets us know we’ve been dead wrong deep in the depths of our souls. We often get unreasonably happy when this happens, sometimes because we’re gluttons for guilt (not gonna call out any denominations here– you know who you are), but usually because it means our sleepy little hearts are finally snapping to attention.

Disciple, v.: Just when you thought “disciple” was a guy in sandals catching fish (Or is that “apostle?” You can never be too sure with all these poly alias Jesus followers.), we go and verb it up. So let’s break it back down: If a “disciple” is one who learns, then his teacher “disciples” him. See that? You just got discipled.

Fellowship, n., v.: We like to hang out with our friends, too, but we like to make it sound holy. If you and your church pals want to knock back a few at your neighborhood pub, just call it “fellowshipping.” Ain’t no one gonna judge.

“In the Word”: We don’t just read the Bible, we get right on in there. You should probably be super impressed.

“Love on”: Don’t be alarmed by the extraneous preposition tacked on the end– no one is trying to get all up in your business. This phrase simply employs the same redundancy as “where it’s at” to emphasize the point. We just really, really love you.

Minister, v.: Not everyone can go to seminary, but we can wax pastoral anyway. We won’t just help you out– we’ll minister to you, even without the little white collar.

Testimony, n.: Another nugget of Courtroom Christianity. Sure, we could just “tell what happened,” but where’s the drama in that? Stories are much more attention-getting when they’re called “testimonies.” I will testify that this is a true fact.

Shepherd, v.: Nothing says mini-Christ (or Little Bo Peep) like a person who shepherds. We could guide you, but then you wouldn’t have the fun and frolic of feeling like a little lamb. You’re welcome.

Churchy folks– What terms of churchspeak did I miss? Non-churchy folks– Have you ever been weirded out by churchspeak?

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Tamara http://tamaraoutloud.com/

Tamara works out her thoughts on life and faith at the blog Tamara Out Loud, occasionally with adult language, frequently with attempted humor, and hopefully with God’s blessing.

Reprinted with permission from TamaraOutLoud.

Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me?!

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Joy

(Guys, ya may wanna skip this one)

I was talking to a friend recently who just had a baby. Several times throughout our conversation she exclaimed, “Why doesn’t anyone tell you these things?!”

I had to agree with her. We really do go into this whole parenting thing completely ignorant of what is actually happening to us. The transformation, so to speak, is subtle. One day you are in the bathroom and find it odd that no one has followed in behind you or that you don’t have a baby sitting on your lap.

For me, if someone had told me with all certainty, what the journey of being a mother would look like, I wouldn’t have believed I was capable of such and would have prevented pregnancy at all cost.

Just as He does in times of uncertainty, the good Lord gives us the strength we need, when we need it. He always arrives right on time. His time, that is. It does not always coincide with our time.

So for those of you who have yet to take the plunge into parenthood (and for those of us who have), I have compiled a list of “The things no one tells you, but you wish you knew, until you know, then you wish you didn’t know”

(drum roll please)

Pregnancy…

When you are pregnant, your body no longer belongs to you. You are now a human incubator. Instead of looking at your face, people will look directly at your belly while talking to you. (This doesn’t change after baby comes either. People now want to see baby more than they want to see you. It’s okay. Just eat your slice of humble pie and move on.)

There will be times when you feel like the Thanksgiving turkey (especially after your belly button pops out!) with family assessing and taking wagers even, on when the baby will be born. Or as one family member put it, “When the baby’s done.”

Your stomach will stretch beyond recognition and you will begin talking to it.

Strangers will touch your belly as if they’ve received an invitation.

Those support hose that you made fun of your mother for wearing, will become your best friend. Spanx now makes ‘em with room for your belly. (You can thank me later for that little gem of information.)

You will feel physically sick at the mention of something that you used to crave and instead dream of things like, cheddar cheese and peanut butter with a side of dill pickles accompanied by a glass of chocolate milk (my personal favorite).

Your body temp will seem to rise by about 120 degrees.

If you didn’t snore before, you will now.

You will become closely acquainted with the clothes that have the best elasticity and how many colors your favorite drawstring pants come in.

You are forced to be aware of everything that crosses your lips. Artificial sweetner? Not anymore. Deli meat? Not unless it’s heated. Sushi? Forget about it. (Oh and this gets even more strict if you decide to breastfeed).

At the first sign of a full bladder, find the closest restroom. You’re just going to have to trust me on this. A cough or sneeze could be hazardous.

Go see lot’s of movies. You will not have this opportunity often after the baby comes.

Oh, and that thing that happens to your chest…well, that’s a conversation to be had in person as there are just too many variables with that subject.

Parenthood…

For a mother, not all, but many, from the moment conception is confirmed, we fall in love. As our bellies protrude and we get kicked in the ribs, we begin to picture what the baby will look like and the kind of personality they will have. We start making big plans.

Nothing will prepare you for what happens next.

From this point on, we are forever changed. We can’t go back and make it the way it was before. Our new normal will be all of the stages of our child’s life.

Having a child is like watching your heart walk around outside of your body. You are no longer a single being. Depending on how many children you have, through adoption, birth, or loss through physical death, that is how many pieces of your heart are out there. And don’t worry, there is always plenty of a mother’s heart for all of her babies.

If someone tells you that having a baby will save your relationship, they are wrong. As wonderful as it is, it is equally as difficult and demanding in ways that you have no prior experience.

Just as your love expands and multiplies at a rate which you never thought possible, so you are stretched in ways that you never thought extendable.

The days are filled with beauty and firsts. Just as they are interrupted by pain and uncertainty.

I became more conscious of absolutely everything around me. It was as if with my children came the ability to see the things I couldn’t see before. Mortality became a reality. Things that seemed mundane were now cherished traditions. Families looked different, bad or good! Holidays took on new meaning (as did showers and brushing my teeth on a regular basis).

Nothing that I say here and nothing that the one closest to you can say, will prepare you for what it is like to have a child. It just can’t.

Here’s why…because everyone is different.

As I listened to my friend talk about all of the challenges of those first few weeks with a newborn, I thought to myself, “I’m past that. I’m a veteran. It does get easier and there are more hours of sleep in the future. I can speak into this out of experience and truth. I think I’m officially a grown-up!”

I smiled, put my hand on her hand and said, “I promise, it’s gets easier. Enjoy these moments. They are fleeting. When you come to the end of your precious one’s first year you will think to yourself, ‘It’s all a blur! Where did the time go?!’ And it does not slow down from there. So try, as difficult as it is when you’re going on a couple of hours sleep and multiple days without having showered, to enjoy these sacred moments. Children remember moments, not days or weeks or even years. Specific moments. And these moments are what make up our memories.”

Your turn! What surprised you most about becoming a parent or watching your friends take the plunge into parenthood. Come on…don’t be shy…we’re all friends here.