We forget how fragile life is. How what we once thought was forever is stripped away without warning.

I received an email from a friend who was just told that she has cancer. And not the “okay” kind of cancer that is easily treated, the “oh my god help me” kind of cancer that stops you in your tracks and makes you feel as if you were just thrown onto a spinning merry-go-round with the expectation of maintaining balance.

Disease does not discriminate. It will move in and inhabit the body of a child, a grandparent, or even a young mother. Not even the womb is exempt.

Before we know it, the future that we had planned has been cut short and we are attempting to re-prioritize while the numbness wears off and the realization of our own mortality or that of the one we love, sets in.

Once we have swallowed the news, the questions come flooding in…How do we tell our children, they are so young…how do we walk through this and still meet the demands of everyday life? Is there really a Heaven? What if this is all there is?

And then we’re supposed to sit in it, the feelings I mean. The feelings that change constantly and keep us on the roller coaster of the unknown.

Yes, I know, ideally we would trust that this is God’s will and that it’s all part of a master plan and accept what is happening.

But that’s not in our nature, is it?

Our nature says, “Where is God now?”

My nature has evolved to asking, “Where is God in this?” (Is that any better? I don’t know?!)

We are born with the instinct to survive… to fight death with everything we have. We seek treatments and experts who will tell us something…anything… that we want/need to hear. Our nature is to search the world in an effort to find one shred of hope. It’s to protect our unborn baby…our child…our spouse….our parent. It’s to exhaust all of our resources until there is nothing left to go to.

It is at these times we find that the only thing left is God. Romans 8:18-30

For me, being a seeker of Christ, I believe that the hope is right here, inside of me.

Do I always express that faith when put to the test? Absolutely not! Would I like to say that I do? Yes!

Would I like to say that when stating, “God is in control and even though we are fearful and weak, He is strong and trustworthy.” that I wholeheartedly believe that? Yes! I would!

The truth is, deep down, I know that to be true. I know that God’s word, His promises, His faithfulness, His mercy are mine for the taking and they are new every morning. They’re legit. They are solid. I have tangible evidence of that when I look in the mirror.
I am a living, breathing testament to these truths. Romans 6:23

So why do I so quickly ask myself, “What possibly could be the reason for this?!” Show me Father. Please show me so that I will know why my friend who is a mother to two young children has a deadly form of cancer. Please reveal the reason behind our precious friends who have two healthy, beautiful children finding out with their third that if she makes it full term, she will not live long past her birth and the care involved is extensive and tedious. God, please…please…give me some answers.

In these times, if I will ever be quiet enough to listen, this stillness comes over me and I am reassured that God wants what’s best for my life and the lives of those who I love Jeremiah 29:11

If I truly believe this than Philippians 1:21 is a code for me to live by.

God is God and I am not. And some answers simply are not mine to know.