Ladies, why do we even ask this question? We know when we look fat. We are setting the recipient of our insecurity, up for a no win situation.
Here’s the deal, I’m tired of feeling things jiggle when I walk.
I have been bartering with myself for the last year when it comes to dropping some lbs.
It sounds something like this. I will pay closer attention to what I eat and don’t eat…
If I have to go up another pants size
If I have a roll under my bra
If I ever have a “gut”
If I’m uncomfortable naked
If one of my children ever says, “Am I having a baby brother or baby sister?
The list goes on, but that’s the gist.
Well, today was the day. I stopped making excuses. I decided to make a change. I dusted off the shake mix that I bought last year for this very reason and I made a shake as a meal replacement.
Doesn’t sound like a big deal, does it?
Well for someone who has never had a “working relationship” with food, it’s a very…big deal.
I have never thought of food in a positive way. In fact I rarely think of food at all. Which sounds funny coming from someone who is as big as she’s ever been.
For 12 years I had a condition called bulimarexia. Weird huh? I always liked being unique. I couldn’t just have your ole run-of-the-mill bulimia or anorexia, I had to have a combination of the two. I think it’s the bipolar of eating disorders.
Sometimes I would restrict for days eating a mere 165 calories and then I would switch it up by binging anywhere from 2,500-5,000 calories in one sitting and then stick my finger down my throat until there was nothing left but stomach acid. When I was feeling extra bold I would throw down a few boxes of laxatives (30-75 pills.) I still remember the way the pink candy coating tasted, especially when I would take too many and forcefully vomit.
BUT, I was skinny.
My family would say things like, “You’re killing yourself. You know that, right?”
“Well, at least I’ll die skinny.” I would say.
Talk about shallow, insecure and egotistical all wrapped into one dysfunctional package!
Without turning this post into a share at a support group and in an effort to shine light on this that I like to keep hidden, I wanted to be forthcoming about the monster within who rears its ugly head any time I consider focusing on the daily ins and outs of eating.
If I’m being completely honest, I’m scared.
Scared that I’ll fail. Scared that I’ll return to old habits that show results more quickly than doing it the right way. Scared that I have screwed up my metabolism so much that there’s no going back. Scared that I will become obsessed with the calories, portions and fat grams again.
So here, in the quiet of morning, when it’s only God and me. I ask Him to whisper His promises when I need them most. I ask for His protection from the monster within. I ask for His guidance as I walk this road to a healthier me. I ask for His grace when I am frustrated and want to quit.
This is a lifestyle that I am learning. Not a diet, or the newest craze. It’s a way to live in harmony with something that I need to sustain me.
In case you’re wondering, I gave up the eating disorders when I put down the booze. That was October 19, 2002.
Why did it take me so long to embark on this challenge to have a positive relationship with food? It’s like any other toxic relationship. I never wanted to return to the place of making an effort to control my weight.
The difference is, I don’t need alcohol to live, but I need food to survive. So, here I am…at the beginning…looking ahead, not behind. It’s going to be hard for me. The discipline to be healthy and not cut corners, will be difficult.
I’m ready. Today, I begin a new life.
If you or someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, please, please, get help. It is serious and it wants to take your life. You can start by visiting the National Eating Disorders Association.
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Hello Joy, came across your profile when I read an article on the main Blog page. Boy to those insecuritie struggles sound familiar. I never stuck to UNDER eating, but wrote myself about “getting old, getting fat and is this all there is??”
I too am a follower of Christ, and have used the Blog opportunity as a mode of therapy. A friend once told me, my writing “just takes her to a different place.”
It sounds like we kind of write from the same place, a place of pain, experience, mourning turned to joy, encouraging others, etc. I really enjoyed your writing! Your voice echoes mine in so many ways. I hope we might be able to encourage and support each other in the future.
I have this cute one you might want to read about running in to a bag-lady (Angel in disguise) at Wal-Mart!
Going to go read some of your older work!
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Here I am trying to figure out how to lose 10 pounds so I won’t look fat in the Disneyworld pictures (we’re taking the kids this week) and you hit me with this! You’re right, of course. Let’s just try to get it right this time. I’m in.
oh joy. i’m so proud of you. and i will earnestly be praying for you. i’m so tired of similar things consuming my thoughts and mood. i have been LOVING that book “made to crave” the last couple weeks. so encouraging. so proud of courage to share. keep em comin!