Mountain or Molehill?

Posted on June 24, 2012 by Joy

A little more than 24 hours ago, this was my mountain.

It was overwhelming…daunting…I was exhausted by the thought of it.
I mean, I can’t even get to the washer to start a load! Ughhhhh…”I would rather donate these clothes than have to separate, wash, dry, fold and put it all away!”

I can sense you judging me.
Part of what you’re thinking is accurate.
I was behaving like a spoiled brat. I mean, who looks at their dirty laundry and prefers to give it away over washing it?! (Maybe I should stop wearing my tiara randomly around the house? Nah.)

What?! You don’t wear a tiara while doing laundry, the dishes, scrubbing toilets, or anything else of importance?! I highly recommend it!

Then it happened…it happens every time I start whining about my circumstances. The girl with no shoes and a tired expression comes into my mind. She walks 6 miles a day just to get water. I imagine what her face would look like if she had a washer and dryer and if she could walk to the refrigerator and fill a cup with water that comes straight from the door. You don’t even have to open the fridge!

One may argue that this is a reaction of guilt. Maybe it’s the product of growing up in an environment where, if I didn’t finish a meal I would hear, “Children in Africa don’t have anything to eat. They would gobble that cauliflower right up and be thankful!”

However, one would be wrong. Visualizing the young girl having to walk miles to get water all while hoping she isn’t ambushed and raped along the way is a very true reality for many. I am fortunate enough to be here, in my home, in the land of plenty.

There are few things I dislike more than “housework,” none of it compares to what others endure on a daily basis for simple survival. I do enjoy vacuuming because I get to see instant progress by the tracks being made in the carpet as the vacuum removes all of the dust and dirt. However, when I think about the fact that I have an entire room dedicated to removing the stains, washing and drying my clothes… well… I am overcome with the reality that I am either spoiled beyond entitlement, immensely blessed, or a little bit of both.

Now that things were coming back into perspective and I was feeling a little more rational, I formulated a plan. Eight loads of laundry later, tiara still shining, this is the new view…

This may be a silly example to some, but for me the mess, our dirty laundry, made everything else seem bigger.

We all have our mountains. Some are daily, some weekly, others monthly. There are those that will only be part of our story once in our lifetime.

Compared to cancer, my mountain looks like a speed bump. However, for me it represents what’s going on with my insides. Does it seem a little more valid when I put it that way? When my spiritual life is in comparable condition to my laundry room before overhaul it calls for drastic measures. It is also a telltale sign that no maintenance is being done. If I would do a little bit of laundry everyday, my floor would not be covered with dirty clothes. Isn’t it the same with my spiritual life?

If you are still wondering if I am comparing my insides to my dirty laundry and the avoidance to clean it all up, the answer is a resounding, “YES!” I’m a simple gal (for today anyway), meaning I need simple illustrations that I can wrap my brain around. Jesus is for my soul what Tide is for my clothes. Shew! I am so thankful for grace!

A man much smarter than I, by the name of Thomas Merton wrote, “Once you have grace… you are free. Without it, you cannot help doing the things you know you should not do, and that you know you don’t really want to do. But once you have grace, you are free… there is no power in existence that can force you to commit a sin–nothing that will be able to drive you to it against your own conscience. And if you merely will it, you will be free forever, because the strength will be given you, as much as you need, and as often as you ask, and as soon as you ask, and generally long before you ask for it, too.” ~The Seven Storey Mountain

Walking past my clean laundry room gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride. Is that wrong? What’s your mountain today? Is victory attainable? Are you overwhelmed?

It’s time to step off the scale

Posted on June 21, 2012 by Joy

If you are a parent, especially a mother to a girl, please stop and re-evaluate the dialogue you are having with yourself, your friends, your husband, the TV, the radio and especially with her.

Stop talking about your insecurities in front of your daughter. Unknowingly we project our feelings of inadequacy onto our daughters. Don’t do it! She may not acknowledge it at the time. More than likely she will remain quiet, but when she’s alone in her room, she will look at herself in a way that she has not thought about before. She doesn’t deserve that.

We have the potential to raise beautiful, secure women. We can have a great impact that is either positive or negative. In order to model a healthy image, we must work from within and stop comparing our insides to another person’s outsides.

This is no longer a silly little obsession. It is a matter of life and death.

I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. Please believe me when I say that I am reminding myself here as well. I battled an eating disorder for 12 years. One that almost took my life. And yet I still find myself making derogatory comments about my body in front of my daughter.

I have to make a conscience effort not to speak negatively about any part of my body. I have to replace the thoughts in my head with statements such as these;
~ I am thankful for two legs that take me where I want to go
~ I am thankful for two arms that hold my children.
~ I am thankful for two eyes that see
~ I am thankful for two ears that hear
~ I am thankful for natural, God given lips, to speak the truth in love
~ I am thankful for a backside (or booh-tay as I like to call it) that makes long sits in folding chairs more tolerable
~ I am thankful for an abdomen stretched with signs from each pregnancy
~ I am thankful for breasts that are free of cancer and for a time sustained the life of each of my babies
~I am thankful for the fine lines that grace my eyes from years of smiling and laughing

When I stand before the mirror…fully exposed…completely naked…I say these positive affirmations out loud. Sound crazy? What’s crazy to me at this stage in my life, after all I have seen and walked through, is to accept even a fraction of the world’s view of me as valid or worthy of attention.

The following pictures are graphic and will be disturbing to some.
There is no time for sugar-coating and acting as if everything will be okay.
It’s an epidemic and the ultimate tragedy is when it claims another life.

Isabelle Caro found international fame after posing for an Italian anti-anorexia stream of billboard poster back in 2007, and she was known for her skeletal frame due to the disorder she’s been fighting against since she was 13. According to her acting coach, Caro was already sick after returning from a gig in Tokyo, and she passed away November 17, 2010. She was 28 years old.

You don’t have to agree with what I have written here, but please consider the way you are communicating with the girls/women in your life. There is a crucial need for those in recovery to speak up and share hope. This conversation has only begun.

For the Father of my Children: A Prayer

Posted on June 16, 2012 by Joy

God, I approach the throne of grace filled with gratitude and thanksgiving.
When I think of what you have made from my ruin, I am overwhelmed in the best sense of the word.

Please hear my prayer before you now. May it rise up and be pleasing to your ears.
Thank you for blessing me with a strong man. Not only physically, but mentally and spiritually as well.

Thank you for his hands that provide, his heart that loves and his faithfulness of soul.

God, I want to be the woman who exceeds his expectations, compliments his nature and provides a sanctuary for him to return home to after a long day’s work.
Whenever my name is on his lips, may it be sweet like honey and evoke peace of mind.
I cannot do this without your help. I have tried. I am so ill-equipped, Lord. I am selfish and self serving. My ways are not your ways and left to my own devices, I will fail.

Please place your hand in this marriage.
In our coming and going.
In our conversation.
In every interaction.
Take captive every thought, every gesture, every action and be glorified through it.

Command my words. Remove my breath before I speak anything other than admiration for listening ears to hear. I release my inadequacies from having any power over my ability to show love for this man.

Prevent any and all resentment, bitterness, anger, unforgiving or hurtful thing from welling up inside of me with the potential to harm. I know that these things are not from you. They originate and feed in darkness. Shine your light brightly into every crevice of my being. Expel any and all wrongful accusations and doubts.

Graciously remind me that this man has fought for me in every way possible and would give his very life to protect me. May I treat him as the Champion that he is, building him up and removing any doubt of my loyalty, respect and deep appreciation for the man that he is.

The strength, passion and love that he bestows is, at times, difficult for me to accept. Strip me of insecurities and may I never take the rarity of his devotion for granted.

Open my eyes to the things I am missing.
Help me listen more and speak less.
Remove any toxic tendencies that would cause me to blame him for self inflicted wounds or those projected onto me by others.

Provide the words when needed to disagree.
May they be respectful and from a place of kindness and love.

God, I am not perfect, nor is he.
We are, however, perfect for each other.
May our love, friendship, family, parenting, faith and work, echo your promises and reflect your grace.

Thank you for these children who have been entrusted to us.
May we parent in such a way that they never question our love for you, our love for each other and our love for them.
May there be more beauty than pain,
more happiness than sorrow,
more thanksgiving than complaining,
more prayer than worry,
more fond memories than remorse,
more love than not.

You are faithful. You are lovely. You are holy.
May all the praise, honor and glory be yours in our fleeting time on this earth and continue throughout eternity with you, Jesus.

In your name I pray all of these things.
Amen

Thank You~Gracias~Grazie~Danke~Arigato

Posted on June 6, 2012 by Joy

I want to take this opportunity to say, “Thank you.”
Sincerely, from the depths of my heart.
I am so grateful for each of you reading this.
The fact that you would take a break from your busy life to read what I have written is not only humbling, but motivating and encouraging.

Thank you for allowing me to process the shock, pain, anger, regret and all of the other emotions that I have written through over the last 10 months.
As you know this journey with Elliot has changed me. In a good way.
She has changed me and will continue to.

I know the posts have been deep and sometimes dark, but I could not have experienced the peace that I have had were it not for those of you who are reading, sharing, commenting and praying.

I will continue to write about my beautiful friend. How can I not?
However, I will also get back to posting on life in general.
I will try to center most everything around experience, strength and hope.

Thank you…for embarking on this pilgrimage with me.
It is often bumpy and at times I cannot see much further than my own face, but it is worth it. You are worth it…I am worth it.

If only we could see more than a fraction of our worth.
Our fear would dissolve in the truth of our potential.
We were born with a great purpose in mind. Each one of us.
We are being groomed for greatness.

On the days when you feel anything but great (and those days will come), if you remember nothing else, remember, you have been given this gift of life. With this gift comes the freedom of choice, the blessing of opportunities, the realness of humanity. I don’t care what you’ve done, what you’re doing or what you will do, nothing on this earth has the power to strip you of your potential.

Eleanor Roosevelt said it best, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Friend, You were born to be blessed. Don’t allow anyone or anything to tell you different.

Love and Light,

Saying goodbye

Posted on June 1, 2012 by Joy

“Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed. Victory is won, he has risen from the dead and I will rise when he calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain, I will rise…” ~Chris Tomlin

Thank you to all of you who have prayed fervently over the last 9 months for Elliot. Many of you have never met her, but have been so strongly impacted by her testimony that your heart is broken with the news of her passing. So I feel like I owe you this post. There is so much to tell you, it will be difficult to give the experience justice, but I will try my best.

Thursday, May 31, Elliot’s body was laid to rest. Many of us gathered around the graveside and listened as the pastor spoke of her courage, the light that she is and her unwavering faith in a God she could not see. He read from Psalm 91, Elliot’s favorite passage.

Chris had encouraged anyone who wanted to bring their children to do so as his children would be involved in the services. I couldn’t help but smile when after the service, little ones ran playfully around the headstones, tracing the letters of the last names with their small fingers. They were completely unaware that this was a place where people came to mourn.

It reminded me of the passage in Matthew 18 “…Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God’s kingdom. What’s more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it’s the same as receiving me.”

One of the roses from Elliot’s casket

Before leaving the site, Chris asked Wyatt (6) and Bradford (4) if they would like to say one more prayer for mommy. The three of them went over, placing one hand on the casket, and one hand in their daddy’s hand, they said a prayer. While Chris was praying, Bradford rested her head against the side of her mother’s coffin. It was such a touching moment, innocent and sweet.

There was no more stopping the tears for me at this point. They flooded my eyes and I didn’t fight them any longer.

There was a small window of time between the graveside service and the service of celebration. I cleaned my face and thought, “Okay! Good. I’m done crying. I’ve cried so much. No more tears.”

I arrived at the service an hour early and there were already a good many people there. Everyone who had been to the visitation the night before was still buzzing with comments about how many people had been there. One guesstimate was 1,000 people, while another was 700. They spoke of how the family stayed until the last person came through the line.

Elliot’s mom, Beverly had posted the following on facebook after such an incredible turnout; “My Dear Precious Child, I saw tonight how very loved and respected you are in this community and beyond. You have set the bar so high for all of us, and I pray I can point people to God and Christ as you have so boldly done in your short life with us here. I WILL see you again!! In that thought I have peace and can rest tonight. Love, Mom”

It was time for the service to start. The pastor had made multiple pleas from the front for everyone to scoot in to make room for others. People filled the small sanctuary, including the choir section and spilled out into the hallways and overflow chapel where the service was streaming live.

Several people got up to speak. To detail each would take thousands of words and more time than you have here. I would, however, like to highlight several things that were said.

Elisabeth, Elliot’s best friend, recalled when she got the call that the pathology report showed cancer, she went over to Elliot’s house and laid down beside her. Elliot looked at her and said, “I told you God was preparing me for something big! I wonder what all He’s going to do through this?”

As the pastor asked everyone, I too have to ask myself, “How willing am I? Am I willing to be that prepared? Am I willing to do what she did, surrendering everything and telling God that no matter what His will, I am ready and willing to carry it out with my life?” Honestly… I hesitate to answer.What about you?

Ed Patterson, Elliot’s father got up to speak a few words about his daughter. He introduced himself as her father and then explained so eloquently how Elliot knew that the most important relationship one can have is with their heavenly father. He spoke about Elliot’s unwavering faith through all of this and that her very name in Hebrew means; The Lord is my God. She embodied and lived out the meaning of her name. He stated what I was feeling, which was, “You hate cancer. So do we. So did Elliot. But it was clear while she was sick that she was continually asking, ‘How can cancer glorify God?’” He then assured us that Elliot’s wish would be that each of us leave there thinking more of Jesus than of her. (He read from several beautiful works that I have referenced at the bottom of this post if you would like to read them.)

The tears ran down my face and I knew that they would not soon stop.

We stood to sing another hymn. I did not even open my hymnal as I knew the words would not come out. I glanced over several rows at little Bradford. As she settled into her daddy’s arms and lay her head on his shoulder we sang, “All I have needed Thy hand hath provided. Great is Thy faithfulness…” She was asleep. What a perfect depiction of childlike faith. The kind that God desires for us. In the midst of uncertainty we rest safely in our Father’s arms.

Chris had said outside Elliot’s hospital room, “Not only did she help unbelievers believe, She helped believers believe more.“ Truer words were never spoken.

I’m not sad for Elliot. How could I be? She is in the presence of the Savior. Her faith has become sight. There is no more pain. No more struggle. No more fear. No more death. She won. She is the victor now. She conquered. We are the ones left to grieve and to envy.

To echo something Elisabeth said, “Not everybody gets an Elliot.” She’s right. I’m so blessed to have known her. She has left quite a legacy. Her light is bright and vast. Imagine what it will be when we continue to carry and share that light with others. My goal is for her children, as they grow up, while in conversation with someone they don’t even know, to discover that their mother changed the world.

When my 4 yr old saw this picture of the sky behind me on the way home from the services, he said, “Mommy, that’s Heaven.” I agreed.

Maybe someone you know needs to hear what Elliot was quoted as saying in 2010, “When you are so beaten down that all you can do is lift your hand and say. ‘Help!’ He will. I promise.
Don’t put God in a box ’cause he’s not going to fit.
Don’t tell God how big your storm is. Tell your storm how big your God is.”
~Elliot Patterson Williams 1975-2012

Readings by Elliot’s dad, Ed:
“Though devils all the world should fill, all eager to devour us. We tremble not, we fear no ill, they shall not overpower us. This world’s prince may still scowl fierce as he will, He can harm us none, he’s judged; the deed is done; One little word can fell him. The Word they still shall let remain nor any thanks have for it; He’s by our side upon the plain with His good gifts and Spirit. And take they our life, goods, fame, child and wife, Let these all be gone, they yet have nothing won; The kingdom ours remaineth.” ~Martin Luther 1529 “A Mighty Fortress is our God”

1. What is your only comfort in life and in death?
That I, with body and soul, both in life and in death,1 am not my own,2 but belong to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ,3 who with His precious blood4 has fully satisfied for all my sins,5 and redeemed me from all the power of the devil;6 and so preserves me7 that without the will of my Father in heaven not a hair can fall from my head;8 indeed, that all things must work together for my salvation.9 Wherefore, by His Holy Spirit, He also assures me of eternal life,10 and makes me heartily willing and ready from now on to live unto Him.11
[1] Rom. 14:7–8. [2] 1 Cor. 6:19. [3] 1 Cor. 3:23. [4] 1 Pet. 1:18–19. [5] 1 Jn. 1:7; 2:2. [6] 1 Jn. 3:8. [7] Jn. 6:39. [8] Matt. 10:29–30; Lk. 21:18. [9] Rom. 8:28. [10] 2 Cor. 1:21–22; Eph. 1:13–14; Rom. 8:16. [11] Rom. 8:1. ~The Heidelberg Catechism, Lord’s Day 1

^“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” ~3 John 1:4

When I was a Christian

Posted on May 23, 2012 by Joy

I grew up in a loving home surrounded by “God-fearing” parents, grandparents, friends and neighbors. My mom says that I prayed to receive Christ at age two. Though she was unable to decipher my words, she’s certain that’s what I did.

I distinctly remember at age seven, sitting at the kitchen counter, across from my mom, when my dad called to say that my grandfather’s long and painful battle with cancer was over. And just like that I learned of mortality…

To continue reading this post, please visit Leanne Penny’s site here where she has started a unique series called, “Beautiful Scars.”

There’s nothin’ I hate more than nothin’

Posted on May 16, 2012 by Joy

I have so much stirring in my heart…my mind…my gut. Yet, when I sit in front of this screen with a blank page of endless possibilities before me, just waiting for my words to create thoughts that explain something about this crazy journey I’m on…I got nothin’.

So I have avoided coming here…to this place where I bare my soul and reveal my idiosyncrasies. After reading this quote from Anais Nin, “If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it.” I am back here…in this place…where I can breathe.

There are many things that have been brewing deep down in the parts of my being rarely visited. Things that have been around for a while that I push back down whenever they attempt to surface. The problem is, I’m tired of pushing against the inevitable. Those things needing to be dealt with will eventually burst through, leaving me with no choice but to sift through the wreckage.

Who enjoys that?! Certainly not I. In order to sift through my wreckage I need more than some disposable plastic gloves. I need waders at the very least, but preferably a hazmat suit. It’s ugly and it hurts. It’s like cleaning gravel from a fresh wound. Hurts like hell, but the only way to prevent infection is to destroy the threat.

So here I am…beginning the cleansing process…Of what, I’m not exactly sure…yet. But just as the past has proven, more will be revealed.

I have been looking through pictures as they usually calm my spirit and I came across these two that I love. I love them for many reasons. One being that the first one was taken only minutes after my son was born prematurely via c-section. Another is because his life represents so many wonderful things. Defying the odds. Proving wrong one scary diagnosis after another. This little boy and me, we are not only survivors, we are conquerors.

And there is one very obvious fact that I cannot deny.
It’s this…God is good.
He is faithful.

And because of that, when words fail me, even if in a whisper, I must speak the beautiful name of my Savior.