Life and Death | Even A Girl Like Me

(This post was written on the 10th anniversary of that day in history that changed everything…)

While contemplating what my next profile pic will be for FB, this rush of self-awareness caught me a little off-guard.

“I did my part. I posted the American flag, even made it my profile picture for more than 24 hours and added some inspiring and well thought out statements about that awful day 10 years ago {now 11 years}. I cried on Sunday while watching the news channels rebroadcast that horrifying morning when minutes passed like hours. So now am I moving on? Did I remember or just acknowledge the happenings of that Tuesday morning? Did I truly honor the lives lost and impacted or did I do what I thought was “right” on a day when there were so many emotions?” I don’t know? Does it matter?

I think it does.

I’m the girl who has to constantly survey my motives in order to keep my ego in check. “Why am I doing this?” “Is it to make myself look better?” “Is it so that people will like me?” “Is it to get something that I think I am entitled too?” “Is it out of fear that I won’t go to Heaven if I don’t?” “Will this have a positive impact on anyone or am I speaking empty words followed by hollow actions?”

I would love to say that the answer to all of those questions is a resounding “NO.”
But, I would be lying.

To acknowledge something is not a bad thing…necessarily. It is recognizing that something has been or is.

Remembering, in my opinion, is reliving a moment…the way it felt and smelled and looked…it is taking time out to reflect and depending on the situation, give reverence to.

If I could give you a word picture this is what it would look like…
Acknowledge – Grey, forced, sterile.
Remember – Vivid colored streamers being waved around on those sticks (you know the ones), by people dressed in white linen with their hair flowing in the breeze, near the water, on a crystal clear day, with the sun reflecting off of the ripples.
(I didn’t give acknowledge a chance, did I? I’m just trying to give you a minuscule taste of how my mind works.)

I don’t want to just pick up where I left off on September 10th. I want to have a mental makeover. I want to carry the reverence for that day with me every day. I want the reminder that when this event occurred, I walked away thinking, “I want to do something that matters. I don’t want to just get by. I want to do something more.”

I want to remember until it hurts…until it evokes the kind of change in me that does not allow the lazy sentiment “Someone else will do it…If I don’t, someone will.” I want that someone to be me. And may all of the credit to go to my Savior, without whom, I could not draw another breath.

I would love to hear your thoughts on that day. On remembering vs. acknowledging. With all of the posts that will be going around today, what are your thoughts?

*Stock photos taken from google

I’ve contemplated starting a blog for…oh…about 3 years now. There is a book out there that describes a person’s positive progress as “sometimes quickly,” “sometimes slowly.” I fall in the “sometimes slowly” category.

For the last several months, the “Being” that I choose to call God has been nudging me ever so gently. “Why Lord?! Nobody cares what I have to say! No one is going to read it! AND I don’t want to air my dirty laundry to the world while opening myself up for criticism! My head is a confusing place for me to be! Why would I invite anyone else in?”

And then it came to me, like fog lifting…”This isn’t about you, it’s about Me.” And by Me, I mean God. He brought me through some major life “stuff”. The kind of “stuff” that some don’t survive to tell about.

So, I said a prayer a few months ago. It went something like this…”God, I am only alive because of you. Because of your faithfulness. Because of your unrelenting love and pursuit of my heart. I don’t know why or how you could use a girl like me, but here I am. Use me up for your glory. Amen”

Ever heard the saying, “Be careful what you pray for?”

A little history… I am a wretch…left to my own devices that is. I am a self-absorbed, egotistical maniac with an inferiority complex. (That’s not original, I heard someone else say it). I want you to love me even if I don’t like you. I am self-destructive, manipulative, dishonest and beyond human aid. I was broken beyond repair.

That’s where Christ stepped in…and did what He does so well…He redeemed me.
I lived for myself for a very long time. It sucked.  Don’t get me wrong, there were times when I thought it was great…then 10 minutes after last call, the house lights would come on in the club and everything that looked so glamorous in the glow of the dance floor, now looked dirty, tired and hollow in the fluorescents.

I would get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, like, “What now? I wonder what’s open? I don’t want to go home where the only thing waiting is silence. The quiet scares me cause it screams the truth.” And the truth it was screaming…I was a hot mess!

I figured I would give this blog thing a try. If you choose to read it and walk away with anything helpful, rest assured it isn’t me, it’s God. He gets ALL the glory. I was bound by darkness…shackled to my shame, but then one day I heard what I had been told a thousand times before…If I was the only one in the world, Christ would have suffered the unimaginable death of that day on Calvary.
And for me, friend, when those feelings of inferiority and shame creep up and try to draw me back into darkness, I think of the sacrifice that was made on my behalf. Knowing the awful things I would do, He still gave his life in place of mine. For that truth to go unrecognized is for me to say that the cross is not enough to cover my wounds. And I can say with great assurance…The Cross Is Enough!

My chains are gone, I’ve been set free. I am a student of life and want to absorb anything and everything that will help me live out my purpose (see, told you I am self-absorbed.) Oh, and the chances of a really profound statement being a Joy original…slim to slimmer. I have learned so much from others. Those who sustained me when I was thought to be less than salvageable.

I have this crazy story… about life and love, death, betrayal, heartache, second chances, redemption and so much more…and well…that’s a post for another time.

For now, I am basking in the unbelievable blessings that are my reality while gettin’ my gratitude on that God would choose to use… even a girl like me.