Single Mamas

Posted on June 13, 2012 by Joy

When the thought came to me that I needed to write about this sensitive and often misunderstood topic, I dismissed it as something that someone else would do much better than I.

I wonder if God grows weary of me trying to talk Him out of things that He makes abundantly clear are part of His will for my life?

Reluctantly I sit down before you, feeling very inept in my attempts to speak about such a fragile thing. At the same time, my heart is heavy and I know that once I listen and follow through with what I feel I am being led to do, the burden will be lifted and hopefully someone will be encouraged.

I know that there are many fathers out there holding everything together with their kiddos. I’m not going to talk about them. Reason being, I’ve never been a single dad. I have, however, been a single mom. I can speak from experience and hopefully share strength and hope as well.

Recently there have been a slew of things flooding my mind, but few reach my heart. The other day I was talking with a friend who asked if I would be willing to meet with an acquaintance of hers who was going through a difficult time. Without thinking or praying about it, I quickly said, “Sure!” (side not: that’s never a wise thing for me to do. Answer quickly. It usually means that my motives are selfish.)

This beautiful, young woman and I met for coffee. As I listened to her story unfold I began realizing that I had completely abandoned a part of my life that was a significant part of who I am.

I watched her eyes fill with tears though she would not allow herself to cry. I listened, I watched and I remembered. Suddenly I was taken back to a time in my life that was more difficult than I even realized at the time.

Some people choose it. Others are left. I chose it.

This woman had chosen it as well. Without telling you details of her story, without needing to, I can tell you that she’s in for a difficult road in her immediate future.

This got me thinking…now that I’m happily married to someone I adore and I have a beautiful family, does that exempt me from walking beside someone who is in the midst of the wreckage?

No. If anything it equips me to provide encouragement and a safe place away from the attorneys and bill collectors, accusers and mockers. I know first hand that she is misunderstood, judged, ridiculed and rejected by former friends and family. I know that she is scared. Fearful of not being able to pay the bills, of ever getting sick, of losing her low income housing. There is so much fear and doubt and uncertainty.

Have you ever been in that place of not really knowing from day to day what your life will look like? Do you know any single moms? Many of them have residence in that place of relentless uncertainty.

With Father’s day upon us, please be mindful of your words and intentions when speaking. Especially to children. There are some moms out there who are making it happen in both roles. Please don’t make assumptions or judgements.

If you’re a parent, you know how difficult it is raising human beings that will hopefully be productive members of society. There are days when I wonder what I would do if I couldn’t say to Chris, “Tag, You’re it!” so that I can have a few moments of sanity.

Being a parent is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. We are pulled in so many directions. When you have more than one child it can be stressful even with two of you trying to make all of the school functions, sporting events, dinners around the table as a family and quality time investing in the relationship and future of your child(ren).

Imagine trying to do all of those things by yourself. Raising children alone can be one of the most isolating things out there. It’s difficult to explain, except to say that it’s not what you think…she’s not who you think she is…things are not as they appear to be.

May I encourage you to do something extraordinary? If you know a single mom and you want to help, offer to keep her kids (at no charge) while she runs errands or takes a shower and blow drys her hair or takes a walk. Send her a handwritten note of encouragement. Offer to take her grocery list, go shopping for her and deliver her groceries. Let her know by your actions that she’s not alone.

It’s not enough to say, “What can I do?”
There are so many things. It’s difficult to know where to start. The question will usually elicit one of two responses; “Oh, nothing, I’m fine.” or “Just pray.”
We must take the initiative.

I challenge you to make an effort this week to positively impact the life of a single mom in your community. And after you do, I want to know about it so that I can thank you.

Are you a single mom? What are your top three worries, struggles, concerns? What would be the biggest help to you from an outsider? Please leave a comment below or if you would rather remain anonymous, you can email me at the address found here.

Something Stinketh

Posted on June 7, 2012 by Joy

Have you ever found yourself standing in this isle of the grocery store or super target, mouth slightly ajar, overwhelmed with where to even begin?
I have! In fact, every couple of weeks I find myself standing right here, eyes glazing over as I look at all of the options that promise incredible results. As U2 would say, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.”

Which leaves me no choice but to implore you to join me in the fight against sweaty pits in the south. I’m tired of throwing money away on products that leave me feeling less than “fresh.” Help a sister out. What do you use and why do you love it?

I know there are some gals out there using men’s deodorant. I’m not opposed to that. Come on! Share your secret. The only thing worse than bad breath is smelling “tired” as my grandmother would say.

Before you start flooding the comments with helpful suggestions, see how many of the slogans you can correctly match with it’s brand of deodorant or as I affectionately call it, “el stinketh repelente.”

Give it your best guess…(hint: there are more answers than slogans. I couldn’t make it too easy)

Possible answers: Almay, Ban, Dove, Secret, Sure, Gillette, Rexona, Axe, Arrid

“Raise your hand if you’re sure!”

“Strong enough for a man. But made for a woman.”

“It won’t let you down.”

“Dare to bare your even-toned underarms.”

“Outstanding protection against odor and wetness.”

“Giving you the confidence to handle whatever the day has in store.”

Ok, now you can answer this short poll. Who doesn’t love a great poll?!

Thank You~Gracias~Grazie~Danke~Arigato

Posted on June 6, 2012 by Joy

I want to take this opportunity to say, “Thank you.”
Sincerely, from the depths of my heart.
I am so grateful for each of you reading this.
The fact that you would take a break from your busy life to read what I have written is not only humbling, but motivating and encouraging.

Thank you for allowing me to process the shock, pain, anger, regret and all of the other emotions that I have written through over the last 10 months.
As you know this journey with Elliot has changed me. In a good way.
She has changed me and will continue to.

I know the posts have been deep and sometimes dark, but I could not have experienced the peace that I have had were it not for those of you who are reading, sharing, commenting and praying.

I will continue to write about my beautiful friend. How can I not?
However, I will also get back to posting on life in general.
I will try to center most everything around experience, strength and hope.

Thank you…for embarking on this pilgrimage with me.
It is often bumpy and at times I cannot see much further than my own face, but it is worth it. You are worth it…I am worth it.

If only we could see more than a fraction of our worth.
Our fear would dissolve in the truth of our potential.
We were born with a great purpose in mind. Each one of us.
We are being groomed for greatness.

On the days when you feel anything but great (and those days will come), if you remember nothing else, remember, you have been given this gift of life. With this gift comes the freedom of choice, the blessing of opportunities, the realness of humanity. I don’t care what you’ve done, what you’re doing or what you will do, nothing on this earth has the power to strip you of your potential.

Eleanor Roosevelt said it best, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Friend, You were born to be blessed. Don’t allow anyone or anything to tell you different.

Love and Light,

A Tribute to Elliot

Posted on May 30, 2012 by Joy

Kathryn Elliot Paterson Williams
1975-2012
Daughter, Sister, Wife, Mother, Friend

My beautiful friend was so much more than I can express to you in words. She was more than cancer.

I have cried so many tears. I have laughed at wonderful memories. I have wished for more time…to be a better friend and stay in closer contact.

Since learning of her passing, I have been rather quiet and still. Unlike me, I know. I always have something to say, but this has left me at a loss.

God is faithful. I know He is. All I must do is look at his track record. It speaks for itself. When the pain is so intense that my insides ache, He is my constant. When I feel as if I cannot catch my breath, He is my comfort.

I don’t have the words to adequately describe what I am feeling. I’m rather numb. For the last several days I have been trying to picture her in heaven. Without a doubt, I know that she would not come back for anything in the world.

Still… I think of the days ahead. I will travel to the site where her earthly shell will be laid to rest. I think of the sweet faces of her little ones and I wonder what Chris must be going through as he has to explain multiple times that she is not coming home.

I wonder how one tells a child that their mother is gone and it is all part of this master plan that the creator of all things has been working towards since the beginning of time.

The same God who they pray to at night allowed their mommy to be very sick and die. What goes through the mind of a 3 and a 6 year old as they try to process such grown up information? I don’t know? I am without answers and feel sure that I will remain so until I meet my Jesus face to face.

Elliot has impacted so many during her life and as she gracefully walked the path of cancer.
It is time for her to rest now.
No more sickness, no more pain.
She is whole.

The following lyrics are from two songs that I would sing, read or pray over the last several months. The meaning within the words brings me peace. I hope it does the same for you.

I Need Thee Every Hour

“I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.

I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.

I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;
O make me Thine indeed, Thou blessèd Son.”
____________________________________________________________________________
Never Once
by Matt Redman

“Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful”

____________________________________________________________________________

WILLIAMS, KATHRYN ELLIOT PATTERSON 36, beloved by God and man and a resident of Birmingham, departed this life May 28, 2012, after a brief and courageous battle with ovarian cancer. Elliot lived an exemplary life, possessed a servant’s heart, and had compassion for all people. She was a 1998 graduate of Auburn University where she was a member of Alpha Gamma Delta sorority. She is survived by her husband, Christopher Wyatt Williams; son, Wyatt Edward Williams; daughter, Bradford Elizabeth Williams; parents, Edward M. and Beverly S. Patterson, sister, Erin Elizabeth Joye (Jay), parents-in law, Chaplain James R. and Susan E. Williams, all of Montgomery; brother-in-law, J. Kevin Williams (Cynthia), Birmingham; nephew, Elijah Brooks Joye; nieces, Bramley Ann Williams and Ellison Anne Joye; and great-grandparents, H. Lamar Smith, Sr., and Rebecca S. Smith, Montgomery. Visitation will be held at Brookwood Baptist Church, 3449 Overton Road, Birmingham, May 30, from 5:30 -7:30 pm. Private burial service for family and close friends will be held May 31 at 10:30 am at Southern Heritage, 475 Cahaba Valley Road, Birmingham. A memorial service celebrating her life and ministry will be held at 2:00 pm, May 31, at Brookwood Baptist Church, Birmingham, followed by a reception at the church. Pallbearers will be John E. Durkin, Jr., Rev. B. Jay Joye, Jeffrey L. King, Brooks B. Sauders, Sr., Dr. J. Michael Straughn, Jr., and J. Kevin Williams. Memorial contributions may be made to The Elliot P. Williams Memorial Fund by mailing contributions to 4326 Paxton Way Birmingham, AL 35242. Contributions will be divided between The Norma Livingston Ovarian Cancer Foundation and a college fund for Wyatt and Bradford. “I have fought the good fight; I have finished the race; I have kept the faith. Henceforth, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness.” 2 Tim. 4: 7-8

* For obituary source click here
* Pictures were taken from her facebook page and CaringBridge site.

Five Minute Friday: Opportunity

Posted on May 25, 2012 by Joy

Today I’m joining in the five minute Friday conversation through the Gypsy Mama. I have five minutes to write, start to finish on a selected topic.

“We write because we love words and the relief it is to just write them without worrying if they’re just right or not. So we take five minutes on Friday and write like we used to run when we were kids.

I’ve heard it said, many times, that “Opportunity knocks.”
Maybe for some, but for me, most of the time, it kicks down the door.

I’m not talking about incredible, money making opportunities or things of that sort. I’m referring to the everyday opportunities that I do not always notice. The kind of opportunities that happen all around me as I’m living life.

When I’m on my computer and my child comes and sits next to me asking, “Will you read this book to me?” That is an opportunity to engage and be fully present with my child. Sadly, I do not always take it, but when I do, I don’t ever regret it.

When I’m in a hurry to get somewhere and cannot be bothered by traffic lights or people and inevitably there is someone moving slower than I would like them to be in the crosswalk. What a beautiful opportunity to, slow down, take a breath, maybe even lift a hand in a friendly wave while smiling and thank God that I have a car to drive and am capable of doing so many things that bring me happiness.

When a friend stops me in the store with an obvious burden that needs to be heard and I am in a hurry to get in and get out. I can stop what I’m doing and listen. I can be genuine and kind without being there for an hour. This is a great opportunity to show through my actions how important relationships are.

When someone lets me go ahead of them and the long line of cars behind them in the drive-thru at Starbucks, it provides an excellent opportunity to pay for their coffee and ask the Barista to tell them, “Thank you! Happy Thursday!” (or whatever day it is.)

How many opportunities do I come across throughout my day to be generous, compassionate, attentive, forgiving, accepting, encouraging, supportive, present, loving and soothing? (just to name a few.) I don’t want to miss those.

Many opportunities are just as important for the provider as for the receiver.

STOP

Five Minute Friday: Identity

Posted on May 11, 2012 by Joy

On Fridays over here a group of people who love to throw caution to the wind and just write. Just five minutes. Unscripted. Unedited. Real. Your words. This shared feast.

Before reading today’s topic I was up on my soapbox talking about raw beauty. When seeing the parallel between my post and the topic I was excited.

I wish I could say that I find my identity solely in Christ. I want to. But that wouldn’t be entirely true. I’m better than I once was, but I’m not there yet.

So where do I find my identity? (Let’s name just 5)

My writing.
My relationship with my husband.
My children.
My work.
My family.

When those things fail me or make me feel less than valuable (which they inevitably will), I run back to the arms of the Father, thanking Him for being my refuge.

I want to do that even when everything is great in all of the other areas! I want to read my bible more and view it as a letter from my Savior. I want to look forward to being able to study His teachings and promises.

And though I long to be in His presence, sitting quietly while soaking up His splendor, I do not seek out the truth in His word nearly enough.

I, at times, make myself an island, hiding behind my computer screen and getting lost in online reading, writing and picture editing.

My identity has been one of confusion and change. However, more and more I see myself settling into the place of my Lord and finding great fulfillment and peace in His sovereignty.

STOP

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments.

Raw Beauty

Posted on May 11, 2012 by Joy

“Beauty is a short-lived tyranny.” ~Socrates

How do you define beauty? How do the people around you define it? Especially the 13-25 year old crowd?

My 14 year old daughter came to me recently with a copy of a popular magazine in her hand. “Mom, how can I look like this?!” she asked.

“You can’t.” I answered. “This is not reality. This is an illusion.”

“You’re just saying that!” she exclaimed rather passionately.

Oh the drama that is a teenage girl searching for her place in a fallen world. How can she ever find it when she is surrounded by images that falsely portray perfection?

This is an argument as old as time. Should beauty be important? Does God care about beauty? Is it a sin to want to be beautiful? Is it ungodly to pluck my eyebrows, shave, have nice hair, wear make-up? My answer to these questions is, “Yes. God cares about beauty. Otherwise, I think, He would have made the world colorless and with much less detail. I truly believe the answer relies much on your definition of beauty. No. It is not (in my opinion) ungodly to accentuate your beauty.”

(I realize that there are a million different opinions for these questions and a scripture to back up each one. Many of them, I have heard. Please do not waste your energy sending me hateful messages about how God wants all of us to be ugly and poor.)

After making excuses and suggestions, I realized that Bella has seen the Dove ads and the how-to for Photoshopped images many, many times and she still sees that as professionally done (which they are.) I had to make this personal…I did what my ego hates…there was no other way…after all, this is my daughter and her friends and my friends and friends of friends. This is the very reason that I speak openly in conversation, workshops and seminars about a 12 year battle with bulimarexia.

I had to remove the veil of post editing and show her what a real person looks like without any touch-ups or enhancers. I knew that person had to be me.

So, I asked Chris to take a head shot of me with a 100mm macro lens. A lens specializing in all of the tiny details that one would otherwise miss. The point was not to have a perfectly set shot, but rather, a spontaneous moment, as one would capture in day to day life.

I must admit to you that I did not even like the fact that my physical flaws were so exposed to my husband! My vanity does not want him or you or my children or anyone to see the fine lines (or pores on my face) for that matter!

However, it is no longer an option for the number on the scale, the size of my jeans or the fact that my dimples have turned into lines, to define me. To find my identity in such triviality is not only foolish, but possibly fatal.

I did not use Photoshop on the images. I used Aperture. The goal was not to morph into a super model, but rather show how easy and quickly a simple editing program can “fix” my flaws.

As shallow and self-absorbed as I once was, I never would have thought it possible that I now agree with Audrey Hepburn when she said, “The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.”