Five Minute Friday: Enough

Posted on July 20, 2012 by Joy

It’s #FiveMinuteFriday free write time! Where a flash mob of folks spend five minutes all writing on the same topic and then share ‘em over here.

GO:

When I saw the prompt for this week I couldn’t help but smile. This is something I have been thinking of daily for the last several weeks. So much so that when certain thoughts creep into my mind I ask myself, “What exactly is enough?” “When will it ever be…enough?”

I have always been challenged when it comes to balance. I am excessive. If I like it, I want more. There are times when this way of thinking has me defeated before ever beginning. And it is a daily struggle.

When I walk into my closet and see the rows of shoes, each in their separate clear container, My immediate thought is, “excess.” Ew. That isn’t a positive word. Many things in my life associated with that word aren’t good. Excess weight, excess waste, excess worry…and many more. How do I combat that?

My goal over the next 7 days is to train my mind to say, “It’s enough.” “I am enough.”

I wrote a post several months ago claiming my word for the year. Enough. However, a year is too big for me. It’s excessive. I give up before starting. I must live in ~~this 24 hours given~~ this moment given. This moment is enough.

So enough excuses. Starting now, it’s time to re-train my brain, in small doses of course…as things arise. To do more than that at one time deems me useless.

“It is not enough to be busy. So are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?”
Henry David Thoreau

STOP

A letter…to myself

Posted on July 19, 2012 by Joy

I wrote this back in November. Many of you have already read it. After several asks about “The Letter” I decided to re-post it. So, if you have already read it, read it again. Maybe you will find something that wasn’t there before. If you haven’t, maybe it will serve you in a way that you needed today.

Writing letters to myself or to those with whom I can no longer speak, is nothing new to me. I have not done it in quite some time, but it’s not a new concept. Therapists, institutions, sponsors and spiritual advisers have been using it for years.

For months I have been thinking about what I would say to my 13 year old daughter, Isabella. Not about very specific things, but about life in general. The overall picture. What it looks like when there are several chapters and one can flip back through the pages.

I have been completely stumped.

She and I talk about everything. I do not sugarcoat or hold very much back with her. I want her to know what the world is like without paralyzing her with fear. I want her to be armed with knowledge so that she has the necessary tools when things arise.

I want her to grasp that God is loving and forgiving. And at the same time know that there are decisions one can make that will carry a heavy price and be with you for the rest of your life.

It was not until about a week ago that it occurred to me to write the letter to myself.

The picture is one that I chose my first year in sobriety when my sponsor told me to think of how old I was when I abandoned my true self.

She told me to put it in a beautiful frame and place it beside my bed and every morning when I woke up and every night before I went to bed, I was to say to that little girl, “I’m sorry I abandoned you all those years ago. I’m here now and I am picking up your hand and will walk through this with you.”

I thought she was crazy, but I did it.
I did whatever she told me to do because I was desperate and fighting for my life.

She had been sober for more than 24 hours so I knew she had something that I didn’t.

Now, more than 9 years later, I can understand exactly why she had me do this exercise and why she made me make my bed and tell the truth about absolutely everything as I would have lied about things as simple as, “Did you brush your teeth this morning?”

The picture is no longer by my bed. It has been tucked away in a drawer where I can look at it whenever needed, but I don’t feel the need to apologize to the little girl staring back at me.

So here is my humble attempt at giving myself advice…if I could…which of course I can’t…but I can give it to Bella, when I have the courage. What she does with it is entirely up to her.

Dear Joy,

If you remember nothing else except this one paragraph, you will be okay.
It’s this, God is good, all the time, even when it doesn’t feel like it. He has a plan and purpose for your life. It will have very little to do with outward appearance and everything to do with your heart, mind and spirit, which I believe encompass your soul.

I know that you are only a child, but if you will take these things I am going to tell you and trust them as if your life depended on it, you will look back with fewer regrets, less sorrow and more fulfillment.

Learn all you can. Keep your mind open to the beautiful things that God puts in front of you everyday. Find a scripture that you love, it can be one sentence, memorize it and hide it away in your heart. When the world begins to tell you lies, and they will, quickly bring it to the forefront of your mind and bathe in it’s truth.

Know that, though your parents are far from perfect, they are doing the best they can with what they have including the knowledge they have been given. There will be times when you don’t understand their decisions or rulings, but just know that there is a reason that many years ago God was telling children to respect their father and mother.

Ultimately, you are accountable to God and no one else. However, until you are of age to understand this concept and use it in a wise way, you will sit under the authority of your parents.

Don’t get so caught up in appearance. Honestly, looks fade and eventually what you have on the inside begins to show more than what you look like on the outside. There is a transparency of sorts that happens over time that is beyond your control and if you have not been nurturing your spirit, you will not reflect the light of the Father as you are capable of doing.

Boys are going to notice you. You will not be ready emotionally for this kind of attention. This is when you take shelter under the authority of your parents. You may not agree with everything they say, but there is protection from things that you have yet seen.

If you remember whose you are, you will remember who you are.

There will come a time when you feel lost. That’s okay. Again, this will probably happen while you are still under the authority of your parents. They won’t understand. That’s okay too. This is when you can begin to build a solid relationship with your Heavenly Father. It is in this time, He will be the only one who understands.

You don’t have to abuse your body by restricting food or overusing substances. Your body truly is a temple. The Holy Spirit lives in you and though this is your earthly shell, you will have it for some time and how well it runs is up to you.

You do not have to give yourself away. I don’t just mean physically. I mean mentally and emotionally as well. If you could pour all of the energy that you use seeking approval from others, into learning and owning what the Father thinks of you, you will build an unshakeable foundation.

Life does not come without difficulties. If someone tries to tell you otherwise, run as far and as fast as you can away from them.

There will be pain. When the pain comes, the thing that will serve you most is your faith in Christ. Knowledge is great, but you will always be told that you need more of it, there is never enough. Faith is what will come to your rescue in times of darkness.

There will be times when you make decisions that you regret. That’s okay. Deal with them promptly and move on. God says that when we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and remember them no more. If the Creator of the Universe is capable of that, you certainly can be.

Don’t allow anyone to make you feel small. It is not without your permission that they will intrude on your heart. Keep your mind strong and filled with truth so that you are able to quickly combat anything negative that is thrown at you.

You are a child of the most high King. Beautiful, treasured, sacred in His eyes. Rest in the promise that His plan is perfect. He has the best life that you are capable of living all laid out for you. I know you can’t see it now, but you will.

One day, as you look back, you will see how it unfolded before your eyes like a well written story. That’s what it is really. You are His story. Better yet, His masterpiece and there is no one better to write your story than He.

You are the co-author. Don’t forget that. You most certainly have to do your part, but He is ultimately the Author and finisher.

You are beautiful. Not because of the clothes you wear or the attention from others or anything exterior. It is because you are a light in a dark world.

Others will see that light and want to know how to have it themselves. Be ready to share your faith. Everything that you are learning is leading you to a place where, when the time comes, you can share eternity with the lost.

And truly, nothing matters more than knowing the One who created you, who had you in mind before He formed you in your mother’s womb. It is a lifelong journey seeking Him. But along the way, you will have the opportunity to share what you are learning and grasping, which could in turn change a life.

I know, you will question whether you are someone who God can use to help others. Believe me, you are. He is grooming you for greatness. Making you more to His likeness. Whispering truths when your heart deceives you.

All the while, using your life, your gifts and flaws, to win others to Him.

There is no greater purpose.

I Love You!

“Explorer, Warrior, Son”

Posted on July 18, 2012 by Joy

“Don’t climb on that, don’t break anything, don’t be so aggressive, don’t be so noisy, don’t be so messy, don’t take such crazy risks. But God’s design-which He placed in boys as the picture of Himself- is a resounding yes. Be fierce, be wild, be passionate.” ~John Eldridge

Do the words in the quote sound familiar? I feel like I’m saying them all the time. “Don’t do this, don’t do that.” When really, the last thing in the world that I want is for my son to be anything less than he was created to be. The first word that comes to mind when I think of my boys is, adventure. They thrive on it. They have to have it.

Please join me at Lil Light O’ Mine as I share my experience, hopes and prayers for my boys.

Finding God on the Farm

Posted on July 16, 2012 by Joy

I haven’t written about Elliot in a while and I feel like it’s time.

I think of her multiple times throughout the day. I look at the sky, searching for the crosses that she always saw as “a sign from God.” The other day I was studying the clouds when I thought, “God, why won’t you give me just one Elliot sky cross?” Soon after, it’s as if my eyes were open to everything in front of me and I saw the majesty of His handiwork.
It occurred to me that I was expecting far too little from a God who is capable of so much more. Look at this sky and the earth below it! This is the artist who I so often times try to fit into the box of emotional perception when clearly He cannot be contained.

Why do I ask for an open door when He can knock down a wall? Why do I expect a morsel when I’m a guest at the feast? Why do I contemplate this earth when He has promised me Heaven?

Chris and I took the boys to a farm last week and I figured I should take my camera as I haven’t been to a farm since I was about 7. I thought maybe I could get some cool captures. What I found was tangible evidence that God knows my name, He cares about me, and He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all I could ever ask or think.

He didn’t have to use words. He used the beautiful simplicity of nature and the magnificent designs of His hands. He revealed more to me that day, on a farm, than He has in years. Or maybe I was just more open to it than I have been in years? Though there are many examples, I chose a few to share with you.

Worry, stress, anxiety…have always been a struggle for me. Truly, I think I was stressed out upon my delivery and ever since.

I felt silly when looking at this cow. Does she look worried?

No. She is completely relaxed and basking in the comfort of her Creator’s faithfulness. She doesn’t worry about tomorrow. She rolls in the grass completely oblivious to the storm clouds forming overhead. Because, what purpose is there in worry?

So then how much less do I have to worry? If a cow, one of the least intelligent animals on earth, can lie down in the field, completely exposed to all of the elements, surely I can trust my Heavenly Father.

When I am stirring through the details of this life, it’s as if He says, “Look at this chicken, how unique and beautiful her colors and feather pattern.

Do I not put so much more into the life of my children…if they let me? Upon comparison, the two don’t even come close.

Look at how the little ones run and chase and play, feeling the ground beneath their feet and the sky above their head. Trusting that the sky will not fall and the earth will not give way.

Have I not told you, be more like this…childlike. Relish the moments of pure unadulterated bliss.

How can I make it any more clear? I have painted the sky, using vibrant colors you have never seen, I have placed my creation before you to enjoy. What more do You need? How much is enough?”

While reading the latest entry on Elliot’s Caring Bridge site, one of the main excerpts her father wrote that stood out to me was, “I often asked myself, “What did I expect God to do?” “What did I expect the doctors to be able to do?” “What did I expect us to do as we dealt with a monster we could not see (except on a scan, and even then only if it were big enough to ‘show up’).”
So often I get caught up in my unrealistic expectations. “God, I know you have formed everything from nothing and yet my worldly expectations have not been met to my liking.” (That’s rather embarrassing to write out for you to read.)

There are monster’s all around. They can be as big or as small as we allow them to be. We can be shaken and paralyzed by their threat or we can open our hands to the heavens saying, “Here. I don’t want this. I can’t handle it anyway. Here. God, I’m going to rest a while in Your presence with the utmost confidence that, (as Elliot would say), You’ve got this.”

Elliot wrote in an email to her dad last fall, “…the C-word for me is not cancer, it’s Christ.”

She understood the faithfulness of an unexplainable God. She embraced the mystery of heaven. She loved as if nothing else mattered. It doesn’t, does it? When it all comes down to recognizing what truly matters, it’s how we love.

One day I will write a letter to her children and tell them of the incredible faith and perseverance that their mother so gracefully displayed. I will tell them of her love and commitment…of her loyalty…the way she loved. I will tell them what an extraordinary woman she is and that because of her, there will be more people in heaven. I will tell them that I am no longer afraid of death…because of the way she courageously met it after living a life of faithfulness.

“Elliot is more alive today than she ever was living in Vestavia Hills, Alabama.” I agree with you, Ed. And her legacy will live on long after we are gone.

You’re not the boss of Me

Posted on July 11, 2012 by Joy

This was my less than loving response when my incredibly attractive husband walked downstairs and began our first verbal exchange of the day.

It was a Friday and it went something like this…

Him: “Honey, we need to run a few errands and get some things done around the house.”

Me: “I know, but NOT today! It’s my ‘pajama pants wearin’, don’t tell me what to do, day!’ I exclaimed, while shoving another sea salt & turbinado sugar dark chocolate almond in my mouth and chasing it with Peet’s coffee. (Perfect combination if you ask me.)

Him: “Ooooooo-kay.”

Me: “You KNOW this! Friday is MY day to do what I want! And I don’t want to run errands or wash dishes, do laundry or anything else that requires motivation on my day to do what I want! I will do it tomorrow or Sunday, but NOT TODAY.”

Side Note: My man is Sicilian. He is intense and passionate. (Two of the many things that make him irresistible to this southern gal.) Nothing gets his heart racing (in a good or bad way) like I do. I read his cues well at this point and what his deep caramel colored eyes were telling me was that he was maintaining the utmost control by not saying anything. Now, he may have been biting the sides of his cheeks ’til they bled, but I was really proud of him for not engaging my teenage like tantrum.

Him: “Would you mind peeling yourself off the sofa long enough to dress our son so that I can take him to run errands with me?”

I was up grabbing clothes, socks and shoes before he had finished his sentence! (The house all to myself?! You don’t have to ask me twice!)

I don’t know if he passed on telling me that I was acting like a brat because it just wasn’t worth it or because he knows I have enough self awareness by now to realize when my behavior is less than appropriate. I like to believe he was thinking the latter of the two. Either way, he offered to remove distractions, giving me a few cherished moments of “me” time.

I’m a writer. When I’m not able to express myself through written word I feel unsettled with each day that passes. By the time a week has rolled around, I’m ready to implode. I covet the moments when my mind can spill out onto these pages with uninterrupted thought. In fact, there is absolutely no noise other than the tapping of the keys as I write and the intermittent crunching of almonds. Ahhhhhh, serenity now.

So, here’s the deal. I’m keeping my “Don’t ask me to do anything day.” I highly recommend that you do the same. Pick a day that works for you. And by day I mean, several hours, not 24. Oh, and leave out the childish fit, it’s not pretty. Trust me!

The Overcommitter Quitter

Posted on July 10, 2012 by Joy

We have all known at least one. Maybe you are one? That person who overcommits only to quit before the follow through and usually with only hours notice. I know this person well because I was one. There are times when I still slip back into the pattern of pleasing. It is one of the things that I detest most about myself! A defect of character found often in my blind spot.

No one likes a person who will not follow through. The kind of person who is the first to volunteer and then call at the last-minute or better yet, text to say that there is just no way they can make it. They are so sorry, but…

The worst part about this behavior is that it sets the person on the other end up to fail from the very beginning. It deems the offender undependable. Few things are worse than when you take someone at their word only to find that their word has been spread so thin that it means virtually nothing.

I must make a conscious effort not to say yes to every opportunity that comes my way. In an ideal world everyone would always be happy with me. My work would be unbelievable every time, even if something I’m not versed in. Everyone would want me on their team to offer my ideas and then carry them out.

Are you laughing out loud?! I know! It’s I N S A N E! It’s also exhausting. For me, overcommitting is just another way of feeding my ego. It’s Edging God Out. I don’t intentionally push God to the side. It happens subtly. That’s why ego is so tricky. It makes those of us who overcommit and under deliver look like the victim. Many people will even feel sorry for us.

Self-centeredness often comes disguised as an opportunity to help someone else. At least mine does. I have to look at my motives or the next thing you know I’m shh-shing God and striving for the acceptance of man. That which is not lasting, but feels so rewarding in the moment.

Henri Nouwen says it best when discussing The Temptation to be relevant. “I was suddenly faced with my naked self, open for affirmations and rejections, hugs and punches, smiles and tears, all dependent simply on how I was perceived at the moment.”

I’ve shared with you before that I have to strip myself of everything, stand before a full-length mirror and speak aloud to God. To some it sounds crazy while to others it’s genius.

It has been many years since I was blindly living my life to please everyone else. I will use Nouwen’s words again when he was asking God for clear direction with important decisions and he said, “I was living in a very dark place and the term “burnout” was a convenient psychological translation for a spiritual death.”

When my soul purpose is to please Christ, the one who made me and everything on earth and in heaven, my life can be rich and full without being overwhelming. When my attention drifts from the giver and sustainer of all that is good, it’s only a matter of time before I am brought to my knees.

I have released myself from the chains of people pleasing through overcommitment. I have some incredible friends who, in their wisdom, with kindness and love, help me back to my center. It takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s work, but I am here to tell you it is attainable. You will need someone you trust to point things out to you without the fear of being chastised. Like anything else that’s worth having, it means sacrifice and transparency.

Well, what are you? Are you an overcommitter? An overcommitter quitter? Or a healthy balance when it comes to demands?