Addiction | Even A Girl Like Me

“What you think about God is the most important thing about you.” A.W. Tozer

Over the last week I have been thinking about October 19, 2012.
I have pondered different scriptures, meditations and writings.
I dug deep into my being in attempts to come up with the greatest post you’ve ever read…I got nothin’.

It’s what I do. I turn things into being all about me. And though a large part of recovery is about me, there is a part equally as large that isn’t. Many within the rooms of A.A. would disagree with my next statement, but for me, it’s a vital part of my story.

For a year, I stayed sober so that I wouldn’t lose Chris.

I know what you’re thinking. “When you stay sober for someone else, it never works.” Well, for me, I didn’t care enough about myself to stay sober. I thought I was damaged goods, but I knew that he didn’t think so and the only way he would be with me is if I admitted that I was completely out of control and powerless over everything. So I did. And after about 18 months, I too realized that I was worth fighting for.

The day before my big anniversary I had the privilege of sitting under the teaching of one of the wisest men I know. His name is John Hambrick. He is an expert in many things. We share an equal admiration for C.S. Lewis. I will never be as versed as John is about Lewis so I love to hear him speak of his work.

He led a workshop called Three Game-Changing Ideas from C.S. Lewis.
Idea #1: Our Choices Change Us
There were five points but the ones that stuck with me were these;
Our choices change us.
What motivates our choices?
John explained that often our choices are motivated by guilt and/or fear. Neither is from God.

Idea #2: Our Imagination Can Be Holy
The thoughts that followed were thought-provoking. These are the two that I am most pondering.
We cannot be compelled to love God.
We love him when we see him clearly. (Do I see God clearly?)

Idea #3: God is Dangerous
Here John referenced several of Lewis’ books. One being from The Chronicles of Narnia. The lion in the story, Aslan, represents God. In this scene, two of the characters are talking about him. “Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”

“God is the enemy of our self-centeredness. The remover of all addictions that cause us to be enslaved. He will weed out and kill that which works to destroy us. That makes God dangerous. It is when he wants to mess with the one thing that we will not expose to him that we meet this God.” God is relentless. He will not allow us to succumb to misery because of his untamed love for each one of us.

When it comes to spiritual, there is no such thing as a “status quo.” We are either working towards being a heavenly or hellish creature. There is no middle ground. Our choices change us. Just as I made poor decisions in the midst of addiction, I must make conscious healthy choices in my day-to-day living. Though quite simple, it’s far from easy.

C.S. Lewis said in The Great Divorce, “There is no other day. All days are present now. This moment contains all moments.” If only we could remember that. How different our lives would be.

John Hambrick is the Director of Starting Point / Staff Development at Buckhead Church. You may follow him on Twitter by clicking here

My friend Chinua Hawk posed a question on facebook this morning that has proven to be quite the conversation starter.

He asked, “If you had the ability to go back 20 years or so and tell yourself one thing, what would it be?”

What a poignant question! While typing the first thing that came to mind, it really got me thinking. 20 years ago I was 16. SO much happened between the years of 16-18 and then an entirely new level of life happened from 18-21. So what would I tell myself?

I was 16 when I met Chris. I was angry and confused by the current circumstances of my life. I had a warped perception of love, God, myself and the future. I would have told myself to wait. “Wait for this man who loves you. Even though you don’t fully understand what love is, one day it will be the very thing that helps you find your way back to God. This man will play a pivotal role in that.”

I talked about this very thing in the post A Letter to Myself. But it was more about what I would tell my Bella. This is a little different. In the past I have avoided looking back and asking, “What would I have done differently?” Maybe because there is just too much to sift through and I spent 6 months working step 4 of 12 in Alcoholics Anonymous wading through all of the garbage that was behind me in order to move forward. Truth be told, It must be a continual “cleaning out” of self. Mind, body and spirit. It’s not a one time deal. Chinua reminded me that I don’t have to regret everything when answering this question. I can respond in an open and honest way that will hopefully help someone else, maybe even my own children.

He also asked what one thing you would tell yourself if you could go back 10 years. I cannot believe I haven’t thought of this question sooner! October 19, by the grace of God, I will have lived 10 years without the use of alcohol or illegal substances to aid me in my efforts to avoid all feelings and circumstances. When I realize that an entire decade has passed for this girl who couldn’t go more than a couple of hours without a drink, I am both humbled and so incredibly grateful.

I am also reminded that this life is meant to be lived on a day-to-day basis, not 1 year, 5 years or 10 years into the future. When we try to live so far in the future, we ultimately fail…every time. So if I could tell my 10 year younger self one thing it would be, “Just keep breathing in and out. Today is filled with uncertainty and the unknown is scary, but everything will come together. There is beauty in this life that you cannot even begin to imagine right now, but you will. There are many tears, I know. Maybe you could look at them as a purging of sorts? A cleansing from emotions that have held you hostage for years. They no longer bind you. You are free. Soon you will look back on this day as the moment that you made the difficult and necessary choice to change your life for the better and begin living your purpose. The journey is long, but you can do it! And, you will never walk the road alone.”

A little more about the man who inspired the post.

Chinua is an insanely talented artist. His voice is intoxicating. I have never heard its equal. The really cool thing is that he has a heart as big as his voice. He is a genuinely wonderful human being and his smile is contagious. When he is on stage, you cannot help but be captivated by his presence and inspired by his lyrics. You can learn more about him and hear a sample of his music by clicking here