Twelve-Step Program | Even A Girl Like Me

Hello Wonderful Readers!

I truly miss you! I have been so disconnected from this community and it is obvious in my life. I need to write! It is a reset for my brain. It brings all the chaos into alignment.

So much is going on that I want to tell you about. So much so that I had to check in to say that I’m going to do better. I’m going to be intentional about documenting with words, the way I’m documenting with pictures.

As for many, October is a big month for me. The first signs of fall begin appearing.

Dawn takes on a whole new light (literally) it’s captivating the way the sun sneaks up and begins illuminating the sky.

Sunsets are breathtaking. The kind of beauty that has no equal.

The most important things in my life this October are the fact that my man and I are celebrating 10 years of marriage. TEN. What?!

The fact that he has not only tolerated me but championed my dreams is beyond my ability to understand. I am so grateful.
For those of you reading this and thinking (Nice…another story of true love and a perfect marriage. I think I’m gonna barf.) Please do not be fooled. We have been through darkness so thick, we weren’t sure we would ever see the light of day. I can be totally stoked that Chris and I made it this far because the challenges we have overcome are proof that there is a God as nothing else could have accompanied us and navigated the road of unknowns.

Oh, a few quick details about the pictures…

We had just said, “I do” and “I do too” on a gondola in Las Vegas’, Venetian Hotel.
We were married by a minister we had never met and have not seen since.
I wasn’t wearing white.
There was no church.
Chris won a large sum of money at the roulette table he passed while walking to our ceremony.
We lived like rock stars for a week.
I was 2 weeks shy of completing my first year free from the addiction of all mind altering substances. (My drug of choice was whatever was available at the time. Do you have any idea how many mind altering substances are available at any given time in Vegas?)
I have not been back to Vegas since we married. Not because I don’t want to, I just haven’t had reason to.
There are people who still haven’t spoken to us after our decision to “elope to sin city” (sometimes people have to weed themselves out of our lives before we discover that we’re better for it)

Another date that is just as important to me is my sobriety date, which will represent 11 years this month. A girl like me…sober…for 11 years?! Yet another tangible example of a Higher Power working and moving. He has used my story so much in the last year. It’s crazy awesome and frightening and beautiful. (That will have to be its own post)

Big things are happening in my life and the life of my family. Bigger things than I ever could have conjured up for myself. Bigger than I have ever known and yet incredibly simple. I didn’t say easy. I said simple. In other words, not complicated. Not diluted by self-doubt and ridicule from skeptics. Things that have nothing to do with money or fame or worldly success.

Spiritually I am going deeper, wider, and more fully committed than I even knew possible. I am no longer sticking my toe out, cringing while bracing for the worst. I am leaping off cliffs that at one time paralyzed me. I am discovering true, unpolluted, without hesitation, faith.

I want to tell you all about it as it unfolds, but I must be patient and wait for the words. I must enjoy every morsel without thought of the next.

It comes to me in the most peculiar of places. I write on whatever is available to me, knowing that if I don’t capture it in that very moment, I will never remember it quite the same way.

I so want this kind of freedom for you, my friends. But I cannot give it to you. It is something that must be sought out through complete surrender, asked for and accepted. (Often times we think the difficulty is in the asking, when really it is our inability to accept when goodness is being offered)

The days ahead are exciting ones. I look forward to our journey together.

Until then, may bountiful blessings and all that is light be yours.

My friend Chinua Hawk posed a question on facebook this morning that has proven to be quite the conversation starter.

He asked, “If you had the ability to go back 20 years or so and tell yourself one thing, what would it be?”

What a poignant question! While typing the first thing that came to mind, it really got me thinking. 20 years ago I was 16. SO much happened between the years of 16-18 and then an entirely new level of life happened from 18-21. So what would I tell myself?

I was 16 when I met Chris. I was angry and confused by the current circumstances of my life. I had a warped perception of love, God, myself and the future. I would have told myself to wait. “Wait for this man who loves you. Even though you don’t fully understand what love is, one day it will be the very thing that helps you find your way back to God. This man will play a pivotal role in that.”

I talked about this very thing in the post A Letter to Myself. But it was more about what I would tell my Bella. This is a little different. In the past I have avoided looking back and asking, “What would I have done differently?” Maybe because there is just too much to sift through and I spent 6 months working step 4 of 12 in Alcoholics Anonymous wading through all of the garbage that was behind me in order to move forward. Truth be told, It must be a continual “cleaning out” of self. Mind, body and spirit. It’s not a one time deal. Chinua reminded me that I don’t have to regret everything when answering this question. I can respond in an open and honest way that will hopefully help someone else, maybe even my own children.

He also asked what one thing you would tell yourself if you could go back 10 years. I cannot believe I haven’t thought of this question sooner! October 19, by the grace of God, I will have lived 10 years without the use of alcohol or illegal substances to aid me in my efforts to avoid all feelings and circumstances. When I realize that an entire decade has passed for this girl who couldn’t go more than a couple of hours without a drink, I am both humbled and so incredibly grateful.

I am also reminded that this life is meant to be lived on a day-to-day basis, not 1 year, 5 years or 10 years into the future. When we try to live so far in the future, we ultimately fail…every time. So if I could tell my 10 year younger self one thing it would be, “Just keep breathing in and out. Today is filled with uncertainty and the unknown is scary, but everything will come together. There is beauty in this life that you cannot even begin to imagine right now, but you will. There are many tears, I know. Maybe you could look at them as a purging of sorts? A cleansing from emotions that have held you hostage for years. They no longer bind you. You are free. Soon you will look back on this day as the moment that you made the difficult and necessary choice to change your life for the better and begin living your purpose. The journey is long, but you can do it! And, you will never walk the road alone.”

A little more about the man who inspired the post.

Chinua is an insanely talented artist. His voice is intoxicating. I have never heard its equal. The really cool thing is that he has a heart as big as his voice. He is a genuinely wonderful human being and his smile is contagious. When he is on stage, you cannot help but be captivated by his presence and inspired by his lyrics. You can learn more about him and hear a sample of his music by clicking here