There’s nothin’ I hate more than nothin’

Posted on May 16, 2012 by Joy

I have so much stirring in my heart…my mind…my gut. Yet, when I sit in front of this screen with a blank page of endless possibilities before me, just waiting for my words to create thoughts that explain something about this crazy journey I’m on…I got nothin’.

So I have avoided coming here…to this place where I bare my soul and reveal my idiosyncrasies. After reading this quote from Anais Nin, “If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it.” I am back here…in this place…where I can breathe.

There are many things that have been brewing deep down in the parts of my being rarely visited. Things that have been around for a while that I push back down whenever they attempt to surface. The problem is, I’m tired of pushing against the inevitable. Those things needing to be dealt with will eventually burst through, leaving me with no choice but to sift through the wreckage.

Who enjoys that?! Certainly not I. In order to sift through my wreckage I need more than some disposable plastic gloves. I need waders at the very least, but preferably a hazmat suit. It’s ugly and it hurts. It’s like cleaning gravel from a fresh wound. Hurts like hell, but the only way to prevent infection is to destroy the threat.

So here I am…beginning the cleansing process…Of what, I’m not exactly sure…yet. But just as the past has proven, more will be revealed.

I have been looking through pictures as they usually calm my spirit and I came across these two that I love. I love them for many reasons. One being that the first one was taken only minutes after my son was born prematurely via c-section. Another is because his life represents so many wonderful things. Defying the odds. Proving wrong one scary diagnosis after another. This little boy and me, we are not only survivors, we are conquerors.

And there is one very obvious fact that I cannot deny.
It’s this…God is good.
He is faithful.

And because of that, when words fail me, even if in a whisper, I must speak the beautiful name of my Savior.

This is my prayer in the days to come.

“Help me lift your name higher… Jesus

You are my heart’s desire… Jesus

You set my soul on fire… Jesus

Your all consuming power… Jesus

I need you every hour… Jesus… Savior… Master… Healer… Restorer… Rescuer… Redeemer… Lover of my soul.”

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Five Minute Friday: Identity

Posted on May 11, 2012 by Joy

On Fridays over here a group of people who love to throw caution to the wind and just write. Just five minutes. Unscripted. Unedited. Real. Your words. This shared feast.

Before reading today’s topic I was up on my soapbox talking about raw beauty. When seeing the parallel between my post and the topic I was excited.

I wish I could say that I find my identity solely in Christ. I want to. But that wouldn’t be entirely true. I’m better than I once was, but I’m not there yet.

So where do I find my identity? (Let’s name just 5)

My writing.
My relationship with my husband.
My children.
My work.
My family.

When those things fail me or make me feel less than valuable (which they inevitably will), I run back to the arms of the Father, thanking Him for being my refuge.

I want to do that even when everything is great in all of the other areas! I want to read my bible more and view it as a letter from my Savior. I want to look forward to being able to study His teachings and promises.

And though I long to be in His presence, sitting quietly while soaking up His splendor, I do not seek out the truth in His word nearly enough.

I, at times, make myself an island, hiding behind my computer screen and getting lost in online reading, writing and picture editing.

My identity has been one of confusion and change. However, more and more I see myself settling into the place of my Lord and finding great fulfillment and peace in His sovereignty.

STOP

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments.

Raw Beauty

Posted on May 11, 2012 by Joy

“Beauty is a short-lived tyranny.” ~Socrates

How do you define beauty? How do the people around you define it? Especially the 13-25 year old crowd?

My 14 year old daughter came to me recently with a copy of a popular magazine in her hand. “Mom, how can I look like this?!” she asked.

“You can’t.” I answered. “This is not reality. This is an illusion.”

“You’re just saying that!” she exclaimed rather passionately.

Oh the drama that is a teenage girl searching for her place in a fallen world. How can she ever find it when she is surrounded by images that falsely portray perfection?

This is an argument as old as time. Should beauty be important? Does God care about beauty? Is it a sin to want to be beautiful? Is it ungodly to pluck my eyebrows, shave, have nice hair, wear make-up? My answer to these questions is, “Yes. God cares about beauty. Otherwise, I think, He would have made the world colorless and with much less detail. I truly believe the answer relies much on your definition of beauty. No. It is not (in my opinion) ungodly to accentuate your beauty.”

(I realize that there are a million different opinions for these questions and a scripture to back up each one. Many of them, I have heard. Please do not waste your energy sending me hateful messages about how God wants all of us to be ugly and poor.)

After making excuses and suggestions, I realized that Bella has seen the Dove ads and the how-to for Photoshopped images many, many times and she still sees that as professionally done (which they are.) I had to make this personal…I did what my ego hates…there was no other way…after all, this is my daughter and her friends and my friends and friends of friends. This is the very reason that I speak openly in conversation, workshops and seminars about a 12 year battle with bulimarexia.

I had to remove the veil of post editing and show her what a real person looks like without any touch-ups or enhancers. I knew that person had to be me.

So, I asked Chris to take a head shot of me with a 100mm macro lens. A lens specializing in all of the tiny details that one would otherwise miss. The point was not to have a perfectly set shot, but rather, a spontaneous moment, as one would capture in day to day life.

I must admit to you that I did not even like the fact that my physical flaws were so exposed to my husband! My vanity does not want him or you or my children or anyone to see the fine lines (or pores on my face) for that matter!

However, it is no longer an option for the number on the scale, the size of my jeans or the fact that my dimples have turned into lines, to define me. To find my identity in such triviality is not only foolish, but possibly fatal.

I did not use Photoshop on the images. I used Aperture. The goal was not to morph into a super model, but rather show how easy and quickly a simple editing program can “fix” my flaws.

As shallow and self-absorbed as I once was, I never would have thought it possible that I now agree with Audrey Hepburn when she said, “The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.”

Before touch ups using Aperture

After touch ups with Aperture

So to my friend who asked me the other day if I ever take a bad picture, I will say again, “It depends on how much time I spend editing.”

Love

Posted on May 7, 2012 by Joy

While trying to come up with an incredibly deep and meaningful title for this post, that would be sure to grab the attention of anyone who glanced my way, the one word that kept coming to mind was, “Love.”

My mind will not slow down long enough for me to write something that expresses what is happening in my heart. As I think of my friend, her body being ravaged by cancer, I want to vomit. I don’t know what else to do, but come to this blank page and start thinking out loud.

At the same time, selfishly, I want to give you something that will leave you thinking that I’m brilliant. Something that will touch you so deeply that on your death bed you will think of this post and find peace. Crazy, right?! I know!

God forbid I just admit to the fact that everything I have written in the last 24 hours has sucked! I’m a work in progress. Egomaniac with an inferiority complex remember?! I want you to like me even if I don’t like you…and yahdee yahdah.

Funny (and not in a haha sorta way) thing is, I cannot put 5 words together to form anything worth your time it will take to read it.

As I sat upon my pitty pot of self-delusion, I did what anyone else would do in my situation…I checked my email. Forget actually trying to sleep. I may get an update on my friend’s condition and I cannot miss that…or wait until morning to read it!

There, in my email was a picture of a handwritten note from my daughter. Ironically enough, it was talking about love. Now, I realize that she is a lovestruck teenager who daydreams about her knight in shining armor, in other words, Justin Bieber, but I love what she wrote. Simple. To the point. True.

I love this kid! Her heart is so deep, her motives so pure and her faith so beautiful.

She doesn’t believe that. She thinks she is a nuisance. Now that may change tomorrow, but for tonight, she sees herself as something to be tolerated. What?! How is that possible?!

She told me between sobs what was troubling her. It made me ache. I want to fix it. I can’t.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” ~Mother Teresa

Sometimes it feels as if all I am doing in love is hurting, while other times it is pure bliss. As I try desperately to get to my vague point, here is what I have been thinking about love since speaking with my Bella;

How do you find it? Does it find you?
Once you find it, or it finds you, how do you keep it?
While keeping it, how do you explain it to others?

Simple, but not easy…You live it.
In every thought.
Every word.
Every deed.
Every action.
Every response.

Don’t see this as an impossible feat. See it as an inspiring challenge…to love without getting tired.
Take every thought captive.
Think before uttering a word.
Act from a place of kindness.

Love really is the root of it all…or it should be anyway.
It’s where the adventure begins.
Once the search has begun, it is a lifelong journey, there is no going back.
It’s going to hurt and
It’s gonna be messy

but

It will also be wonderful and filled with purpose.

I’m going to be okay…
Bella will be okay…
You…will be okay.

“Love to be real, it must cost—it must hurt—it must empty us of self.” ~Mother Teresa

A Father’s Love

Posted on May 1, 2012 by Joy

Today, like every day recently, Elliot has consumed my heart and mind. I do not want to say too much as I want the majority of this post to be the journal entry from her dad below.

The following is taken from her CaringBridge site shortly after she was diagnosed. It is so beautiful. Her father’s words are so sincere as he speaks of Elliot’s determination from the time she was a little girl and her unwavering faith as she has grown into the woman she is today.

I hope this finds you where ever you are and leaves you encouraged.

“Dearest Elliot,

What a precious time with our family and Chris’s family in Montgomery yesterday and today.

As we put Bradford to bed tonight, its amazing how fast 33 years pass by and we remember the 352 days as you were three, we tucked you in, read to you, prayed with you, and slept with you some special nights when you needed that extra bit of reassurance.

All this afternoon and tonight in my spirit I hear the word ‘hope’ in my head and my heart – Look at the top of your CaringBridge site. Look at the logo of MD Anderson, and more importantly the Bible (God’s speech to men) and the word HOPE THOU IN GOD is everywhere. Job 13:15, Psalm 39:7, Psalm 42:5, Proverbs 10:28, Proverbs 13:12, Lamentations 3:21, Matthew 12:21, Romans 12:12, Romans 15:13, 1 Cor.13:13, Eph. 1:18, Col.1:27, Heb.10:23, 1 Peter 1:3, 1 Peter 1:21.

Take all the many scriptures on promises of healing in God’s Word, and visualize yourself as healed.

We pray without ceasing and with thanksgiving the regimen MDA has put into motion beginning Monday is being used of God to arrest and eradicate all cancer cells, that side effects will be minimum and next to nothing, and with each scan and test we will see the power of the the Almighty God working in your physical body, your mind, your heart and your emotions as you continue to live before a watching world what it means to love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and soul – which is the greatest commandment given by our Lord.

Before David, who expressed every human emotion in the Psalms,ever started praying to God in verse 7-12 of Psalm 27, he expressed his confidence in God FIRST, in verses 1-6 ending with the phrase (ESV), “I will sing and make melody to the Lord.” Then he poured His heart out to God, and then in verse 13-14, he affirms MORE CONFIDENCE IN GOD, In the final analysis, physicians treat, but God is your healer.

Still we pray for hourly strength, endurance, and peace for you and Chris, and for protection and health and grace multiplied for our grandchildren. The “I can do it, Daddy” and the strong-will traits as a youngster now serve you well, as you remember to smile, to laugh, to find pleasure even climbing the hills ahead, and resolutely move forward in hope and peace and confidence.

I am not a doctor, but I think it takes more muscles to frown than to laugh. In Proverbs we are reminded that a glad, a merry heart, does good like medicine. Remember how God has sovereignly intervened in these past weeks. He WILL continue to do so in the next months, days and hours and minutes and even seconds….step by step. You are God’s beloved, beautiful inside and outside.

One of my favorite hymns, “Dear Lord and Father of Mankind” verses 4 and 5 (the other 3 are great as well) seem fitting as this night closes – before I share it I am well aware its hard to keep up with and process the outpouring of love and support and prayers of hundreds, maybe thousands, but if you forget these words, remember they can be summarized in one phrase -“Be still and listen to what God will impart to you and Chris each day.”

verse 4. “Drop Thy still dews of quietness, till all our strivings cease; take from our souls the strain and stress, and let our ordered lives confess the beauty of Thy peace.”

verse 5.”Breathe through the heats of our desire Thy coolness and Thy balm; let sense be dumb, let flesh retire; speak through the earthquake, wind, and fire, O still small voice of calm!”

I exhort God’s prayer warriors everywhere as God may move upon their hearts to pray for your complete healing, as our family remembers and prays for the many needs of those around us – many known, most unknown. Truly we live in a fallen world, but God reigns on His throne.

Love,
Dad”

Please continue to pray for Elliot as she fights. You can follow her journey on her CaringBridge page.

Please also pray for her husband Chris, their two precious children and the many family members and friends who rally around them with faith, hope and love. Thank you.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Together

Posted on April 27, 2012 by Joy

Don’t ever underestimate the beauty of retail therapy.
After talking with a friend this morning about all of the “stuff” going on in life, we both agreed that the circumstances warranted a little retail therapy. Well…here’s what I came home with. After wearing them around the house, they were a top pick for this week’s photo challenge of “together.”

These make me feel like a badass
A force to be reckoned with
A superhero with style
Dorothy had ruby slippers…
I have spiked stilettos.

Five Minute Friday: Community

Posted on April 27, 2012 by Joy

Let’s spend our five minutes of writing today, sharing about community. Fight it, love it, hate it, hurt or healed by it, we were certainly built for it.

Set a timer and just write. Don’t worry about making it just right or not.
Go all in with your words.
Are you ready?

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments.

OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes on: Community

GO:

This topic is quite fitting today as I sit in my pj’s, wanting to close the blinds to the outside world. My last entry was about my beautiful friend, Elliot, who is fighting a deadly form of ovarian cancer.

I have been amazed by how many of us have connected through her story. Women who will never meet, all praying and coming together as a community to support and lift up our friend as she walks through the most difficult time of her life.

It instantly connects us. That’s what community does. We are all here for a common purpose and therefore all connected.

If she needs to crawl, we will crawl with her. If she walks slowly, taking many breaks along the way, we too will walk slowly, breaking frequently. If she wants to scream, we will scream with her. When she cries, we will cry with her. When she laughs, we too will laugh.

That’s what community does. We lock arms and we storm the gates of heaven with our pleas and our praise.

That’s what we do, today, as women and sisters, daughters and mothers, wives and friends. That’s what we do for each other. For you, my sweet friend, Elliot.
Please join me in praying for Elliot today as she begins a stronger form of chemo in hopes that it will combat this aggressive form of cancer.