And Then She’s Gone

Posted on July 4, 2012 by Joy

Not too long from now, I will drive my Bella back to Alabama to the same “almost half way” point between here and there and I will tell her goodbye. As we hug I will hold on a little longer, squeezing her a tad bit tighter, communicating without words that I will miss her.

It never gets easier. I thought it would. I thought the pain would lessen and I would become accustomed to telling my child that I will see her next month. If anything it has become more difficult.

I seldom open up about this part of my life. These are not feelings that I like to stir. As I sit here, darkness all around, centering in on meditation, I had this thought, “Has any holiday ever been without that gnawing feeling of loss?”

Many of you know that anytime there is a child involved in a broken relationship, holidays are usually the most fought for time. Why is that? If there is anything that I have learned over the last several years it’s that everyday has its own unique meaning. Maybe we should start making up a holiday when we have great celebrations for no reason at all?

I remember when Chris bought me my first really nice, designer handbag. I had never owned anything like it. “Purses have their own bag to be stored in when not in use? Why wouldn’t I use it all the time?” He could not wait until the actual day set to give me the gift.

It was a Tuesday. I was in the kitchen when he came around the corner with the beautiful store bag in his hand, which proudly displayed the designer logo. I stared wide-eyed, wondering what this could possibly be.

“Open it!” he exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear.
It was so beautiful. Hand stitched, not one detail missed. It smelled like the finest leather one has ever seen, because it was. I ran my hand across the side and felt the newness and quality of this extravagant gift. “This is so beautiful.” I said. “So you like it?” he replied.
I responded, “Yes, I like it very much. Thank you! Why on this random day?”

“Why not on this random Tuesday? Now it’s no longer random.” he said.

I love that. Now it’s no longer random. I still love that purse and every time I use it he smiles and says, “Look, it’s the tootsie roll!” (that’s our nickname for it.) It instantly brings back a feeling of newness and surprise. I can close my eyes and still smell the leather.

If you’re wondering where I’m going with this, don’t worry, I’m bringing it back around. I brought this into memory because today, when everyone is celebrating by eating too much, ~~discussing~~ arguing politics and lighting things on fire, I will be thinking about my beautiful Bella. Wondering where she is and if she’s having fun…Just as I do every “holiday” that we’re apart. I will eagerly await her return.

Hear me when I say that I have an amazing husband who I have been madly in love with since the day we met and two incredible little boys that could not be more full of life. I cannot and I will not imagine my life without them. As I look at each one of them and think of how immensely blessed I am there is an empty place at the table, a voice not heard in the halls, an absent presence that represents our family “complete.”

We will not wait for a holiday. It may be a Wednesday, Friday or Sunday, but when my Bella returns, it will be a day of celebration.

I think of the family of my beautiful friend, Elliot. Her children are entering a year of holidays without their mom. Her father so eloquently wrote that when the children and her husband, Chris were at the grandparents house for Father’s day, Bradford (her little girl) said, “Something is missing…it’s my mommy.” I’m imagining that little voice. Children are so literal. They almost never refrain from stating the obvious.

Well today, something will be missing in all of the festivities. It’s my Bella, but I will see her again in a little while. She is still very much alive and living her life. For many, their loved one will not come home again.

Maybe today, as we celebrate, we could remember this, for some it’s just a Wednesday. Not because they don’t want to celebrate freedom and all those who have so willingly sacrificed everything to provide it for us, but because the celebration occurs on a different day and in their own heart and mind. Let that be okay.

I guess what I’m asking is, instead of judgement over how someone is doing something or not doing it, choose understanding. Maybe they just lost someone they love and they are now trying to navigate a world without them. Maybe they are missing someone. Maybe they are the spouse of a deployed service member and while everyone is celebrating with food and beverages, their heart is heavy.

Maybe today, we can start living life to the fullest and learning what it means to embrace every day as if it were a day we knew we could sleep in and overeat. Maybe, going forward, Tuesday will become more than just a random Tuesday for you too.

I am more than thrilled to let you know that tomorrow’s post about body image and self-esteem is written by my daughter.

The Shadows

Posted on July 3, 2012 by Joy

Lord, I have cried out
pleading throughout the night
for Your provision
guidance and
serenity

I lay before you now
downtrodden
face to the ground
acutely aware of how unworthy I am

To even be in Your presence is
so much more than I deserve
and yet, You know that
it is the only thing sustaining me

God, I am afraid
though You clearly say that
I am not to fear what man can do
I tremble at the possibilities
that mere humans hold over me

I was so sure
Lord, was it too much
was it too little
was it all an illusion

I am angry
search me
and reveal what is in me
that’s being allowed to rise up and steal my joy

I am sad
fill me
replace my sorrow with
the security of Your faithfulness

I am confused
breathe clarity
into my circumstances
so that more will be revealed

What I once thought was silence
I now know is peace
I feel Your presence
as You lead me to the cross

That sacred ground where you took upon yourself all the evil of the world
as you were nailed to a tree created by your hands
how can I even think of
continuing to carry anything but forgiveness

You are good
even in the uncertainty of this life
You are the only honorable part
of the story

You alone know my heart
You see the ugliness that festers
I am unable to change that
without Your divine intervention

You are God
and
I am not
Thy will be done

Slaying Dragons

Posted on June 28, 2012 by Joy

While rushing to get ready for an appointment the other day, my three year old became very concerned. Here is a glimpse into our conversation.

Him: “Mom, where are you going?”

Me: “Mommy is going to the doctor, Darling.”

Him: “What hurts.”

Me: “Nothing hurts, Love. It’s just a recheck. ”

He looks up at me with those big brown eyes and says, “Mahhhhmmmmm, nobody goes to the doctor unless something hurts. I need to go too so that I can take care of you.”

Heart melting, I knelt down and said, “I promise nothing hurts and I love that you want to take care of me. I am so proud of you. You are an amazing human being, my son.”

With that he gave me the half grin and looking down at the floor said, “Well make sure they give you a sticker when you’re done.”

“I will.” I said, as I watched him run back to his toys.

I cannot proceed without saying that, of all three of my children, this is the child with the toughest skin. Nothing gets to him. If you don’t like something about him, he couldn’t care less. He’s strong, determined and focused.

This tender moment with him was confirmation that, no matter how tough or strong one may seem, everyone needs connection. Maybe all of those times when I hugged him tightly even when he was squirming to get away, have been effective?

Raising boys is a huge responsibility and one that is not to be taken lightly. Yes, right now they are boys, but one day they will be men.

Am I raising men of integrity?

Am I intentional when it comes to praying for my men in the making? Or do I come before the Father and say, “Lord, you know what they need. You know who they are. Please help them seek you always. Amen.”

Honest answer… as much as I don’t like it… there are far more times when I say the brief, non specific, saying this out of a feeling of duty or guilt, prayer.

This year, my goal has been to ask the Father for 3 specific things that He would have me pray for each of my children.

I wanted Him to show me all at once so that I could make my list and get started. However, He is making it clear that more will be revealed as time goes on. He is calling me to step back, put down my list and observe my precious ones.

In doing so, He is showing me a few things about my boys that are part of their DNA, the way they are created, not things that I should try to break them of (so to speak) or change.

Boys need to release energy. They need to scream, throw sticks and balls and various other things. They need to run until they are out of breath. To deprive them of this outlet is to ask for caged chaos.

Boys need to know that it’s okay to express emotion. They shouldn’t have to turn in their “man card” before having a good cry? Since when does being male mean that you have dehydrated tear ducts? This is important, because the world will tell them otherwise. Suppressed emotion now = misplaced anger later. Whether you have testosterone or estrogen, crying is healthy. Be a safe place for them to cry.

Boys need discipline with encouragement. What do I mean? I’m not totally sure I can explain it… Depending on what they are being corrected for, they need to be encouraged at the same time. For example… “No, you don’t need to use a whole roll of paper towels, but I am so proud of you for cleaning up the spill yourself.” They need to know that they are being “groomed for greatness” and that they are going to make mistakes along the way. Wait to make a big deal when the mistakes involve their character.

Boys need the freedom to be warriors, adventurers and conquerors. God put this desire in them. Let them make pretend guns out of their legos and swords out of branches that they find on the ground. Don’t hinder them from digging in the dirt, building forts and climbing on things.

When they come in from playing, they should smell like they need a bath.

Ladies, this goes for grown men as well. They need to be around other men. I’m not talking about at the bar (necessarily), but whether they play golf or shoot skeet, they need that time to bond, away from us. They are just little boys with long legs.

That last paragraph is probably going to irritate some of you, but I’m okay with that, because maybe you have yet to realize, the more you love them with an open palm, the more they will love coming home to you. For those of you thinking, “You don’t know my husband!” You’re right, I don’t. However, out of all the men, including mine, that I have talked to, the response has been unanimous.

I strongly suggest, if you haven’t already, that you read “Wild at Heart” by John Eldridge. You will not agree with everything he says, but that’s okay. There are so many useful things to walk away with and who better to explain a man than, well, a man?!

I cannot and should not expect my boys (including the big one) to act like a girlfriend in any way, shape or form. If I do, I am setting myself up for constant disappointment. Whether we are talking about a 3 year old or a 36 year old, they do not want to sit and talk about feelings for hours. Honestly, they do not want to hear us verbally process in circles until we figure out the answer. When it comes to my boys, I have found bullet points to be most useful.

When I need a girlfriend, I call a girlfriend. See how easy that is?! There are some things that men will never understand about us. Let’s be honest, there’s plenty that we don’t even understand about ourselves. The sooner we accept this truth, the better off we will be.

To sum it up, here is what I am learning about being the mother of boys…

Be a builder, not a tearer down.
Be a safe place for vulnerability.
Love them until you feel that you cannot love anymore. No matter their reaction, it matters.
NEVER embarrass or discipline them in front of others. This should be a private thing and kept within the sanctuary of the family.
Tell them you love them and you are SO proud of them.
Be sincere and specific when complimenting their efforts and achievements.
Show them that they are yours, no matter what. I uses phrases like, “My son.”
Brag on them in front of others.
Be someone that sets the standard for who they will want to marry.
Be affectionate to your husband in front of them. Talk about how strong he is and what a wonderful provider he is. Thank him for how hard he works. Tell him that you love him when they can hear it. Kiss him on the mouth when he leaves the house or for no reason at all. It’s okay for them to see that. Don’t let their response of “Ewwwwwwwwwwww” fool you. They are learning how to interact in a healthy way with the one they love. (If there is not a husband in the picture, be very careful about the way you speak about men in front of them.)
Pray for and with them. Pray for strength and valor. Pray for wisdom and guidance. Pray for your abilities as a mother. Pray for your family. Pray that God will guard their heart and direct their decisions.

Ladies, if you are in a relationship or married to a man that didn’t experience this from his mother, it’s not too late. It’s never too late.

So, men, women, children…what would you add to my list?

Tell me how you really feel…

Posted on June 28, 2012 by Joy

In preparation for a workshop on beauty, I sent out a survey to 100 women between the ages of 13 and 65. When calculating the results, unfortunately, I wasn’t at all surprised by the answers.

I found it interesting that more than half of the women who responded with “Yes” to the question, “Is beauty important for your overall happiness?” apologized for it saying that they knew it was bad to make beauty a priority. Every one of them claims to be a christian. If you look just three questions before that, the #1 answer when asked “What do you think of when you hear the word beauty?” is “Nature, God, Creation.” What is there to feel guilty about or apologize for?

Clearly there is a vast difference between our definition of beauty and what we think God says about beauty. Why is that? Do you think God cares about beauty? Why or why not?

Results for “Beauty Undefined”

What do you like most about your appearance?
#1 Eyes
#2 Hair
#3 Nothing

What do you like least about your appearance?
#1 Stomach
#2 Thighs
#3 Butt

What is the one thing you would change about your physical appearance?
#1 Thinner/More toned overall
#2 Stomach
#3 Complexion

What is the first thing you see when you look in the mirror?
#1 Aging
#2 Eyes/Hair
#3 Size/Weight
(A 13 yr. old responded with, “I see God’s creation! Wow!)

What do you think of when you hear the word beauty?
#1 Nature, God, Creation
#2 Supermodel, Actress (Tall,thin, perfect hair and face)
#3 Inner beauty

What makes you feel beautiful?
#1 Dressing Up
#2 Affirmation (mainly from strangers)
#3 Husband
(A 21 year old responded that she has never felt beautiful.)

Has your dad ever said you are beautiful?
Yes 65%
No 35%

Is beauty important for your overall happiness?
Yes 92%
No 8%

How old were you when you remember first feeling self conscious?
#1 12 years old
#2 8 years old
#3 5 years old

Do the women in your life make you feel valued?
Yes 94%
No 6%

What would you tell the 5 year old you if you could go back and tell her anything?

Don’t listen to what others think, don’t let it dictate what you think of yourself.
You are going to be told A LOT about beauty and how to be beautiful. As hard as it may be, focus on the fact that God made you beautiful and that’s all that matters! God’s love is more important than anything else.
Find your beauty by looking inside not outside. True beauty starts in the heart and works it’s way out.
You’re beautiful no matter what!
Be true to yourself.
Cultivate a lifestyle of health.
People are too concerned about themselves to notice all of your flaws.
Feel beautiful for yourself on your terms. If you do it for someone else, they will take it with them when they leave.
Beauty comes from how you live and treat others. Some of the most beautiful people I know laugh a lot.
Love yourself first, be confident!
This will pass and you will be fine.
Don’t listen to the lies.

This is the 2nd post in a series of posts about beauty and body image. There will be a new post every Thursday about this subject. If you would like to join in the discussion, let me hear from you. All submissions can remain anonymous when posted by contacting me here or you may leave a comment in the section below. If you would like a pdf copy of these results, click here.

Mountain or Molehill?

Posted on June 24, 2012 by Joy

A little more than 24 hours ago, this was my mountain.

It was overwhelming…daunting…I was exhausted by the thought of it.
I mean, I can’t even get to the washer to start a load! Ughhhhh…”I would rather donate these clothes than have to separate, wash, dry, fold and put it all away!”

I can sense you judging me.
Part of what you’re thinking is accurate.
I was behaving like a spoiled brat. I mean, who looks at their dirty laundry and prefers to give it away over washing it?! (Maybe I should stop wearing my tiara randomly around the house? Nah.)

What?! You don’t wear a tiara while doing laundry, the dishes, scrubbing toilets, or anything else of importance?! I highly recommend it!

Then it happened…it happens every time I start whining about my circumstances. The girl with no shoes and a tired expression comes into my mind. She walks 6 miles a day just to get water. I imagine what her face would look like if she had a washer and dryer and if she could walk to the refrigerator and fill a cup with water that comes straight from the door. You don’t even have to open the fridge!

One may argue that this is a reaction of guilt. Maybe it’s the product of growing up in an environment where, if I didn’t finish a meal I would hear, “Children in Africa don’t have anything to eat. They would gobble that cauliflower right up and be thankful!”

However, one would be wrong. Visualizing the young girl having to walk miles to get water all while hoping she isn’t ambushed and raped along the way is a very true reality for many. I am fortunate enough to be here, in my home, in the land of plenty.

There are few things I dislike more than “housework,” none of it compares to what others endure on a daily basis for simple survival. I do enjoy vacuuming because I get to see instant progress by the tracks being made in the carpet as the vacuum removes all of the dust and dirt. However, when I think about the fact that I have an entire room dedicated to removing the stains, washing and drying my clothes… well… I am overcome with the reality that I am either spoiled beyond entitlement, immensely blessed, or a little bit of both.

Now that things were coming back into perspective and I was feeling a little more rational, I formulated a plan. Eight loads of laundry later, tiara still shining, this is the new view…

This may be a silly example to some, but for me the mess, our dirty laundry, made everything else seem bigger.

We all have our mountains. Some are daily, some weekly, others monthly. There are those that will only be part of our story once in our lifetime.

Compared to cancer, my mountain looks like a speed bump. However, for me it represents what’s going on with my insides. Does it seem a little more valid when I put it that way? When my spiritual life is in comparable condition to my laundry room before overhaul it calls for drastic measures. It is also a telltale sign that no maintenance is being done. If I would do a little bit of laundry everyday, my floor would not be covered with dirty clothes. Isn’t it the same with my spiritual life?

If you are still wondering if I am comparing my insides to my dirty laundry and the avoidance to clean it all up, the answer is a resounding, “YES!” I’m a simple gal (for today anyway), meaning I need simple illustrations that I can wrap my brain around. Jesus is for my soul what Tide is for my clothes. Shew! I am so thankful for grace!

A man much smarter than I, by the name of Thomas Merton wrote, “Once you have grace… you are free. Without it, you cannot help doing the things you know you should not do, and that you know you don’t really want to do. But once you have grace, you are free… there is no power in existence that can force you to commit a sin–nothing that will be able to drive you to it against your own conscience. And if you merely will it, you will be free forever, because the strength will be given you, as much as you need, and as often as you ask, and as soon as you ask, and generally long before you ask for it, too.” ~The Seven Storey Mountain

Walking past my clean laundry room gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride. Is that wrong? What’s your mountain today? Is victory attainable? Are you overwhelmed?

1-Minute Meditation

Posted on June 21, 2012 by Joy

“If we maintain the open-mindedness of children,
we challenge fixed ideas and established structures, including our own.
We listen to people in other denominations and religions.
We don’t find demons in those with whom we disagree.
We don’t cozy up to people who mouth our jargon.
If we are open, we rarely resort to either-or: either creation or evolution,
liberty or law, sacred or secular, Beethoven or Madonna.
We focus on both-and, fully aware that
God’s truth cannot be imprisoned in a small definition. ”
~Brennan Manning~

Brennan Manning is an author, friar, priest, contemplative and speaker.
Born and raised in Depression-era New York City, Manning finished high school,
enlisted in the US Marine Corps, and fought in the Korean War.
Wikipedia

Scriptures for a Sound Mind

Posted on June 20, 2012 by Joy

The following is an excerpt from Joyce Meyer’s Ministries. As I read it this morning I felt compelled to share it with you. Our mind is such a powerful tool. For as long as I can remember I have struggled with darkness. As you know, the only thing that can combat the darkness is light. Blessings to you on this faith journey.

As you begin to claim your mind back from the enemy, he will not want to give up the place that he has had. You will have to do battle with his lies and confusion.

Your first step is to declare out loud that you will not allow any outside force to do your thinking–no man and no spirit. There are spiritual laws that demons must obey. They cannot stay where a man wills them not to stay. Your power is in the Name of Jesus, the Blood of Jesus, and the Word of God. Ask God to give you discernment of the lies of the devil.

Think about what you are thinking about. As you recognize a lie to your mind, always defend yourself out loud. That means speaking to Satan and the evil forces out loud, binding them in the Name of Jesus, and forbidding them to lie to you and to use your mind.

When you catch a lie to your mind, use this prescription regularly–and you will regain peace, your memory, restful nights, and the ability to concentrate and comprehend.

You are in a battle–you are not alone–for all of God’s people fight this same fight (Ephesians 6:12). Make up your mind not to give up! According to Colossians 3:2, set your mind on things above and keep it set! As you begin this battle, it will seem worse than ever. The reason is that the demonic powers are fighting to keep their place in your mind (and in your thinking). Call upon God’s grace in the Name of Jesus, and He will give you the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome every evil tendency fully.

Remember, regaining your mind is a process. We all fail at one time or another. God knows our weakness; that is why He gave us 1 John 1:9. Just ask for forgiveness and see the Blood of Jesus washing away your sin. Don’t give up! Continue claiming what belongs to you (your mind and your thinking belong to you), and Jesus will help you overcome.

Second Timothy 1:7 says, “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind!”

ADDITIONAL SCRIPTURES FOR A SOUND MIND
When You Hear A Lie Going Through Your Mind, Say Out Loud:
2 Corinthians 10:5 “Satan, you are a liar. I will not receive (or believe) your lie in the Name of Jesus.”

1 John 4:4 “I remind you that it is written, ‘He that is within me is greater than he that is in the world.’ I command you to bow your knee to the Name of Jesus and leave me.”
(Now you have pulled the lie out–just as you pull a weed out of the ground. An empty hole remains where the weed was, and you will need to fill the space you cast the lie out of with Scripture.)

Philippians 4:8 Begin to think on the Word or begin to sing a praise song to God. Make a conscious effort to fill your mind with good, pure, wholesome, and lovely thoughts.