3 things never, ever to discuss in bed

Posted on March 4, 2014 by Joy

I’ll even go so far as to say, “Keep these 3 things out of the bedroom altogether.”

MONEY – Whether it’s bad or good information, keep it out of the bedroom.
I don’t care if you just won the lottery and want to cover the sheets with benjamins so you can roll around in it. Trust me! Don’t do it. It will start out fun and then lead to statements like these,
“Think of what we could have done with all this money 5, 10, 15 years ago…”
“Why didn’t we save more? I always said you spent too much money…”
“How much do those highlights cost again?!”
The bedroom is where the magic happens, NOT the budget!

WORK – Nothing kills a sex drive quicker than talking about your newest project at work or the girl who dresses like she’s going to a bar. Maybe she is going to a bar. Leave her alone! You’re in bed with someone who you don’t have to pick up in the bar. STOP TALKING ABOUT WORK!
The bedroom is for words you wouldn’t use anywhere else, NOT for debriefing about your coworkers.

FAMILY – This includes but is not limited to…
Your beautiful children that you love so much you could just “eat ’em up!”
Your sister’s recent vacay.
Your brother’s girlfriend and all the reasons you know it isn’t going to last.
Your aunt’s cat’s arthritis.
Your cousin’s new band and the business plan you wrote that he hasn’t asked you for.
Your mom. (Especially, your mom)
Your dad’s latest hunting story. (My man loves a good hunt, but the moment I bring up my father when we’re trying to set the mood, forget about it. Ain’t gonna happen.)
The surgery that your stepbrother’s dog is being prepped for and how much it’s going to cost.
The seating chart for the next holiday get together.
The bedroom is a reservation for two, NOT a family reunion.

Now, if you find yourself wanting/needing to talk about one of these things, get up, go sit at the kitchen table or on the sofa and talk about it there. Better yet, wait until tomorrow. Chances are things will be a lot clearer and you’ll be in a better mood.

This is a decade worth of wisdom that you don’t even have to thank me for. Just stop bringing baggage into your bed. It’s much easier to move around that way.

You’re thinking, “It can’t be that simple?” It is. It’s that simple. Everything else can wait until your next therapy session.

I know there are like a bazillion other no-no’s for that fragile time before (whatever your code word is for sex) happens. Go ahead, tell us in the comments what you’ve learned never to talk about in the bedroom…

3 ways women can learn Victoria’s secrets

Posted on November 30, 2012 by Joy

We’ve all heard it said that men are visual. I believe it to be true.
For some reason women, especially “women of faith” either voice issue with undergarments or treat it as taboo. Why?!

They say things like, “My husband shouldn’t have to see me in something red and tight to want me!” Truth is, he doesn’t! The end result is to see you in nothing at all, it just makes the trip there a little more fun.

Ladies, you are missing it! As a proud, card-carrying patron of Victoria’s Secret I’ve learned a few things over the years.

1.– There is the assumption that the only reason to wear lingerie is for someone else’s viewing pleasure. WRONG. I mean…half wrong. Wear lingerie because it increases your sex appeal…in the mirror. When you feel sexy, you’re more inclined to be sexy. Throw out those over worn granny panties. YOU will feel better in a little lace.

Not feeling so hot? “Throw some lace on it.”

2. – No matter your size, choose something that fits. Let me break this down for you…
If you’re a size 0, don’t buy a size 4 because you’re self-conscious and you’ve never worn anything form-fitting, above the knee or off the shoulders. Ladies, I’m not asking you to wear this get-up while shopping at the grocery store! It’s in the privacy of your own home.

If you’re a size 16, don’t buy a size 8 and attempt to squeeze yourself into it. That will only make you feel worse about yourself. Buy for your body. Let me say that again. BUY FOR YOUR BODY. Not for the body you are aspiring to have. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. That’s what sales associates are there for.

3.– You can stop being judgmental and rationalizing why you don’t look like the model in the life-size mural on the wall in the store. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. We’ve all cut our eyes and hidden our husband and children from the half-naked woman strewn across the boudoir. (Those poor girls would give anything for a cheeseburger and a shake.) I’m telling you to walk in there proudly, warm pretzel nuggets in one hand, Starbucks beverage in the other and give that gal in the poster a little wink as you make your way to the “get your sexy on” or in some cases, “bring your sexy back” section of the store.

For those of you thinking, “There must be some scripture, somewhere to dispute wearing lingerie.” Bring it! I’ve never seen it, so enlighten me. I mean, have you read Song of Solomon?! There’s some pretty steamy stuff in there once you decode the palm tree, goat and pomegranate analogies.

I’m not telling you to blow the budget on fancy panties, but I’m pretty sure when discussing finances with your man, he will find room in the budget for a little shopping trip. Better yet, discuss budget in the buff. It’s always worked for me.

Your turn! Do you think any size woman should feel comfortable in lingerie? If not, what’s the cutoff?

Flannel vs. Lace

Posted on March 4, 2012 by Joy

Grab your favorite beverage and get comfortable because we are going to talk about sex.

Yep, I said it. S-E-X.

I cannot keep quiet about this any longer! Married people, you are missing it. You’re missing out on one of the main ingredients that makes a marriage solid.

If your upbringing was anything like mine, “the talk” involved a book with cartoon illustrations, words I couldn’t say without laughing and a very nervous parent who had never been more eager to get through a conversation.

Very little was said about it in our home and that made it all the more intriguing to me.

Yet somehow, when it came to this subject, I learned the formula;
Sex = Dirty, Unclean, Shame. It’s going to be incredibly uncomfortable and you should, “Save it for the one you love.” Huh?

I have talked to multiple women over the last few months. All of them have been married less than nine years. Eight out of ten of them are not having sex with their husband. And by not having sex, I mean one time or less per month.

There are lot’s of excuses, some are really good, valid reasons. When you have young children, especially a baby, the last thing that most women are thinking about is the thing that got them pregnant in the first place.

SO, have you gotten off track? Don’t know where to start?

Ladies…

Find a time in the day that works for you. It doesn’t have to be evening and it doesn’t have to be in your bed.
If you have a baby and it has been 6 months or more since giving birth, you should no longer be wearing maternity panties.
Have at least three pieces of lingerie that you actually put on for your man from time to time. Victoria figured out the secret and she has stores all over the place. I don’t care what your budget, your hubs will find the money. Go. Buy. Wear. Men are visual. Give your man something to think about the next day in his budget meeting. (Men are not looking at that one place on your thigh that is all you see when you look in the mirror. So, DON’T POINT IT OUT TO HIM!) One of the most unattractive things a woman can do is discuss her physical flaws with the man who thinks she’s a hottie. Work what you have! Everything looks better in lace.
Send him suggestive text messages every now and then. You may have spit-up on your shoulder and be in major need of a shower. That’s why you’re not going to FaceTime. You’re going to TEXT.
Praise him in front of others.
Be specific when you compliment his efforts and achievements. He wants to make you proud.

Guys…
You are not off the hook here.

Woo her.
Adore her.
Just because you said you loved her on your wedding day, doesn’t mean you never have to say it again.
Be affectionate with her without expecting to get it on. You might be surprised.
Leave a note on the steering wheel that you’re thinking about her.
Tell her she’s beautiful.
Look at her. Listen to her. Affirm her.
Be intentional about setting a date night. It doesn’t have to be flowers and candles, just some time set aside for building and growing your relationship.

When we marry, God gives us a license to explore, enjoy and play.

For some of us, we didn’t wait for the license. We didn’t do anything in the order that it was intended.

Right or wrong, here is my take on that…

I think the reason God doesn’t want us sleeping around and getting knocked up and/or contracting something that we can’t wash off, is because He knows how much it will hurt us. It’s a hurt not easily healed. He knows that we will carry the weight of shame and guilt with us, sometimes for a lifetime. He is protecting our heart.

The way He designed this whole crazy, beautiful, mysterious act is, well… kind of perfect. He knew what He was doing.

Please hear me when I say that, I wasn’t wearing white on my wedding day. I have felt damaged and broken for years and then something that can only be explained as a “spiritual awakening” happened.

This man, who I believe God chose and designed for me and me for him. He didn’t look at me with shame or disgust. He didn’t talk to me like a worthless whore. In fact, he treated me like his queen and now all that I know and have ever known… is him. When I close my eyes, he is the only one I see. He is the only one I want to see.

Ladies, some of you are shaking your head as tears run down your cheeks and saying, “You don’t know what I’ve done.”

You’re right. However, I know what I’ve done. I know what I’ve thought in my mind about doing, which Jesus said is one in the same. And I am here to testify that nothing, NO ONE, is beyond redemption.

Right now you’re saying in your mind, “BUT…”

There are no buts in forgiveness, Darling. Strike that from your vocabulary where needed.

Some of you reading this have given your body away in hopes of filling up the emptiness that you feel. Others make a living by taking your clothes off and spinning on a pole. Some of you are helping them make a living by going and watching them spin on a pole. Though I do not condone this (just as I do not condone past behaviors of my own), I have known some “professional dancers” who have a bigger heart and purer motives than many Christians. I am confident that there is no condemnation in Christ. Nothing will fill a void like His grace, mercy and love. Nothing.

Some of you had someone force themselves on you. Whether you were a child when it happened or an adult, it’s not your fault. Regardless, you feel stained. I am here to tell you that the blood of Christ is better than any bleach out there and He will make you new. Brand new. He is in the business of restoration. He makes beautiful things out of our pain. If we let Him…

I was talking with a friend not long ago who was an exotic dancer and professional escort for several years. She now has a hard time even thinking about being intimate with anyone, let alone her husband. Her exact comment was, “I’ve done everything and it was dirty and wrong. I have no desire to do those things with my husband. It just reminds me of who I was and what I used to be.”

“Let it go.” Sound too simple? Well that’s because it is simple. Not to be confused with easy.

This man, who is being punished for something in the past that he was not even a part of, loves you and wants you, just the way you are.

I encouraged her and will encourage you, that every time she closes her eyes and sees things that seem to be tattooed in her memory, to picture it going through a shredder. Find something to replace it. It doesn’t have to be sexual. You may have to repeat the shredding over and over and over again. Eventually your mind will be transformed.

When those visions and memories creep in and give you that sick feeling, know that it is not from God. It is not from the One who created you with great purpose. The One who designed you from scratch. The Master’s hands formed you from the beginning and they are on you still.

None of us are beyond the reach of our Savior.

Now, I know I am opening myself up to some major criticism, judgement and misinterpretation… I’m okay with that. I’m not an expert. I do think that we should feel the freedom to talk with our spouse about sex, intimacy and our body without acting like it’s a four letter word.

Can we do that? Can we stop projecting shame onto others? Can we who are married, make an effort to remind our spouse why they would never want to look anywhere else for sexual intimacy? Can we see ourselves, our bodies and our marriage through the eyes of the One who created it all in the first place?

Can those of you who are not with someone right now, look ahead with great anticipation, eager to experience sexual intimacy and all that comes with it, the way God intended it to be?

Try it… I dare ya!