About Joy

I am a writer, photog, mother of 3, wife to the love of my life and a seeker of Christ. I talk about this journey as a recovering narcissistic, self loathing, hypocrite. The goal is to start a conversation through either words or moments captured through the lens. Most importantly, it has to be authentic. Otherwise, what's the point?

Does this make me look fat?

Posted on March 20, 2012 by Joy

Ladies, why do we even ask this question? We know when we look fat. We are setting the recipient of our insecurity, up for a no win situation.

Here’s the deal, I’m tired of feeling things jiggle when I walk.
I have been bartering with myself for the last year when it comes to dropping some lbs.

It sounds something like this. I will pay closer attention to what I eat and don’t eat…
If I have to go up another pants size
If I have a roll under my bra
If I ever have a “gut”
If I’m uncomfortable naked
If one of my children ever says, “Am I having a baby brother or baby sister?

The list goes on, but that’s the gist.

Well, today was the day. I stopped making excuses. I decided to make a change. I dusted off the shake mix that I bought last year for this very reason and I made a shake as a meal replacement.

Doesn’t sound like a big deal, does it?

Well for someone who has never had a “working relationship” with food, it’s a very…big deal.

I have never thought of food in a positive way. In fact I rarely think of food at all. Which sounds funny coming from someone who is as big as she’s ever been.

For 12 years I had a condition called bulimarexia. Weird huh? I always liked being unique. I couldn’t just have your ole run-of-the-mill bulimia or anorexia, I had to have a combination of the two. I think it’s the bipolar of eating disorders.

Sometimes I would restrict for days eating a mere 165 calories and then I would switch it up by binging anywhere from 2,500-5,000 calories in one sitting and then stick my finger down my throat until there was nothing left but stomach acid. When I was feeling extra bold I would throw down a few boxes of laxatives (30-75 pills.) I still remember the way the pink candy coating tasted, especially when I would take too many and forcefully vomit.

BUT, I was skinny.

My family would say things like, “You’re killing yourself. You know that, right?”
“Well, at least I’ll die skinny.” I would say.
Talk about shallow, insecure and egotistical all wrapped into one dysfunctional package!

Without turning this post into a share at a support group and in an effort to shine light on this that I like to keep hidden, I wanted to be forthcoming about the monster within who rears its ugly head any time I consider focusing on the daily ins and outs of eating.

If I’m being completely honest, I’m scared.
Scared that I’ll fail. Scared that I’ll return to old habits that show results more quickly than doing it the right way. Scared that I have screwed up my metabolism so much that there’s no going back. Scared that I will become obsessed with the calories, portions and fat grams again.

So here, in the quiet of morning, when it’s only God and me. I ask Him to whisper His promises when I need them most. I ask for His protection from the monster within. I ask for His guidance as I walk this road to a healthier me. I ask for His grace when I am frustrated and want to quit.

This is a lifestyle that I am learning. Not a diet, or the newest craze. It’s a way to live in harmony with something that I need to sustain me.

In case you’re wondering, I gave up the eating disorders when I put down the booze. That was October 19, 2002.

Why did it take me so long to embark on this challenge to have a positive relationship with food? It’s like any other toxic relationship. I never wanted to return to the place of making an effort to control my weight.

The difference is, I don’t need alcohol to live, but I need food to survive. So, here I am…at the beginning…looking ahead, not behind. It’s going to be hard for me. The discipline to be healthy and not cut corners, will be difficult.

I’m ready. Today, I begin a new life.

If you or someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, please, please, get help. It is serious and it wants to take your life. You can start by visiting the National Eating Disorders Association.

God doesn’t need another Angel

Posted on March 17, 2012 by Joy

This is going to tick some of you off. That’s okay. Remember this is only my opinion. Hopefully it will get all of us thinking about how we view God and others, especially during difficulty.

Unfortunately, over the past two years I have had several friends go through the agonizing experience of losing a child. Most recently, my beautiful friend Katie. I was so blessed to meet the miracle that was Hallie Lynn Green. I am eternally grateful to Chris and Katie for allowing me into that precious time.

It is every mother’s nightmare. Which is why neurotic mothers, like myself, would get up multiple times once the baby was sleeping through the night and check to make sure he was breathing. Or the first night the baby sleeps waking up with the sun coming through the window and panicking, wondering if when I looked in the crib my child would be lifeless.

Many fear this, but no one actually thinks this will happen to them.

No one is capable of preparing for a loss this deep. No one.

Maybe you have lost a child or know someone who has. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you never will.

However, if you do, please, I am begging you, do not respond to their news by telling them that “God obviously needed another angel.”

Honestly, it’s one of the ridiculous things that Christians say when we are at a loss for words. Friends, it’s okay to be at a loss for words and avoid saying something as asinine as God needing to take someone’s child to add to His choir.

If God needed another angel, why not just create one? The God I know would not allow one of us to experience such intense sadness for the sake of adding to the heavenly host.

I have three babies in heaven. That’s a post for another time, but I can tell you that anytime someone said to me, “Aw, God needed a sweet little angel.” I wanted to punch them in the face.

I cannot imagine serving, loving and worshiping a God that manages the heavens and eternity that way. Can you?

I know that some of you reading this have said these very words to avoid the uncomfortable silence that looms over a conversation this weighty. I’m not calling you an idiot, I’m just asking that you please, be comfortable in the silence. Or, if you are unable to be comfortable, be uncomfortable for those few moments, usually brief, when you express your condolences.

The thing that meant the most to me after losing a baby early in pregnancy, was coming home to find a small vase of beautiful white roses on the doorstep. The card said, “Our thoughts and prayers are with you.”

That spoke volumes.

Pardon me while I step down off my soapbox. May you never experience the loss of a child, whether while in the womb or after birth. The pain and void that it leaves is indescribable.

I beg you, if someone close to you does lose a child, or someone you are merely acquaintances with or don’t even know, please don’t tell them that “God needed another angel, so He chose their baby to go back to Heaven.”

Do you have experience walking through this with a friend? Have you lost a child? What is your best advice for someone wanting to provide comfort after something so devastating?

Weekly Photo Challenge: (theme of the week)

Posted on March 16, 2012 by Joy

Can you say determination?

This tree is thriving…and growing sideways.

The little tree that could

Five Minute Friday: Brave

Posted on March 16, 2012 by Joy

The word brave can mean many things to many people.

It’s brave for a person to visit a foreign country on a mission trip and the decide to live there.
It’s also brave to try drugs or sleep around or any other act of self inflicted harm.

The very meaning of the word is; ready to face and endure danger or pain.

To me, today, Brave = Faith.

It means sharing a story, even if it changes your opinion of me
It means being uncomfortable
It means loving the unlovely
Forgiving the unforgivable
Reaching the unreached
Believing the impossible
Sacrificing my wants over your needs

It means living from the inside out, heart and soul exposed, offering hope to the hopeless with eyes fixed on Jesus.

STOP

A Mother’s Venom

Posted on March 15, 2012 by Joy

Cue circus music…. I envision myself balancing these long poles with plates spinning on each. Lately I have picked up a couple more plates. They are good plates. Plates that I have been working towards adding. So up they go onto the pole, spinning.

Today I dropped a plate (metaphorically speaking). It was one of the most beautiful and valuable. It was the mother plate.

I unleashed my toxic mom venom through my attitude, words and actions with my boys.
I hate when I willingly choose to give them the leftovers of my day.

I yelled at them to “STOP YELLING!” I sighed a lot. I snapped a reply when asked a question. I treated my most precious treasures as if they were an inconvenience.

“So what now?” You ask.
How do I right my wrong?

~ I acknowledge that my behavior is unacceptable.
~ I abandon all expectations of how they will respond. I am responsible for how I respond and communicate, not how another person receives and communicates back.

I ask for forgiveness, I cut myself some slack.

Tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start. A clean beginning. That is grace. Grace so undeserving that it can only come from our Creator and the author of our story.

Here’s the deal, I am going to have to put down at least one plate. Which one? How do you choose?!

I invite God in to the process and simply say, “Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” More will be revealed as I seek His will, His face and His heart.

How many plates are you spinning? Ever dropped one?

What Matters Now?

Posted on March 13, 2012 by Joy

Luca Hill Cemetery 1816

My grandfather passed away when I was 7 yrs. old. That is the first memory that I have of losing someone close to me. I remember where I was sitting when my dad called to tell my mom of his passing. I don’t remember anything after that. The details of the funeral, my father’s immediate state of mind, my grandmother’s period of mourning…nothing.

From that time on, my dad has taken me to the old graveyard in a small town in Henry County, Alabama. There is a path leading straight through the middle and we would walk down the path, my hand in his, with a silence that was an unspoken understanding of reverence.

If I noticed a fresh mound of dirt I would say, “Who was that, Daddy?”
Dad would always know who it was and be able to share a brief history about them.

Before arriving at the plot where my grandfather was laid to rest, my dad would say in a loud voice while lifting his arms to the sky, “What matters now?!”

He would then turn and face the other direction while again exclaiming, “What matters now?!”

He then would turn to me and say, “My Joy, did you hear anything?”

“No, sir.” was my response.

“Do you know why?” he would ask.

“…Well…yes dad. They’re all dead.” was my reply.

What he would say next is what has been burned into my memory. And that was this…

“Right! They are all dead. What lay beneath the ground is rot and decay. What do you think matters to them now?”

“Well, nothin’… I guess?…”

“Nothing! Not their job, car, house, salary, weight, bank account balance, wardrobe… all of that is left behind for someone else to worry about. They’ve gone on to see about it. (This is a southern expression for someone’s passing.) What matters is the time before physical death. What you do with your life, resources, time... and where you put your faith. How you prepare for eternity. For these folks, it’s too late to plan.”

He would then take my little hand in his big hand as we walked to my grandfather’s headstone and removed the weeds or any ant beds that had taken up residence.

After that we would walk across the path to the headstone of a 13 yr. old girl who had died from leukemia. There were always flowers and the area was well maintained. Probably by her mother.

I would read the inscription out loud, but in a whisper, as I ran my hand across the marble, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 2 Timothy 4:7.”

“Dad, she was prepared for eternity, wasn’t she?”

“Yes, Angel. She was.”

As I grew older and learned what stress felt like, dad would remind me of our walks through the cemetery. He would reiterate that whatever was happening would pass and as time went by, it wouldn’t have as much power as it seemingly had in the moment.

“Maybe you should take a walk through the cemetery?” he would say.

Though my hand was no longer securely in his, I would find a cemetery, walk somewhere close to the middle and say as loudly as I could, sometimes with tears, “WHAT MATTERS NOW?!” The only thing heard would be the echo of my own voice.

I would then answer my own question, “Nothing.”

Have you ever walked through a cemetery while talking to the tombstones? Maybe you should try it. You just might find that it is capable of bringing things into perspective that nothing else can.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

“So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.”

Five Minute Friday: Empty

Posted on March 9, 2012 by Joy

My…
coffee cup
gas tank
bank account
words
actions
intentions
compliments
emotional tank
dishwasher
pantry
trash can
favorite flower vase

all of these things are capable of being empty and rather easily refilled.

My…
heart
faith
belief in God
love
prayers
commitments

these things are much more detrimental if empty.

Today, I will work on filling and maintaining the things that matter. I will bring them to the forefront of my thinking and if there is time left over for refilling the others, I will do so. If not, I will rest well knowing that those things which are eternal were my priority.

STOP

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