Five Minute Friday: Good-Bye

Around here we write for five minutes flat on Fridays.

We set a timer, throw caution to the winds and try to remember what it was like to just write without worrying if it’s  right or not.

I wrote for 5 minutes… and then proceeded to look through pictures for about 2 hours.
As the words began to flow from my heart to my hands faster than I can type, my eyes began to sting as I felt the tears well up. “What is wrong with me?!” I wondered.

I realized as I was looking through years of pictures that it had all gone by so fast. Things that I remember as happening last week, were in reality, last year. How did I not see it in the moment. Those precious, fleeting moments…

There never seems to be enough time. When it seems that we should be saying, “Hello.” we are already saying, “Good-bye.”

Our good-bye’s are seldom “good.”

It is always bittersweet and at times involves tears and a lot of dark chocolate post parting.

There is never a time in the day when I don’t think about “My Bella.”
Not a moment passes when I am not wondering what she’s doing or if she had a great day… does she like a new boy? Is she remembering to accentuate her incredible eyes with the makeup she has been so anxious to apply, instead of caking it on? Is she being told how incredibly beautiful and gifted she is? Does she know how much I love her? Does she have any idea what a treasure she is? How I adore her? The prayers I say for her?

There are times when I miss her so much that my heart actually hurts inside my chest.

I have a new understanding for the word heartache as every time my little girl leaves, she takes an irreplaceable piece of my heart with her.

How fitting for the topic to be “good-bye.” Friend or foe, I know it’s capability of relief and also that of sorrow, all too well.

The following pictures were taken hours, sometimes minutes, before my Bella and I said, “Good-bye.”

On the airplane from Cali to Bama for visitation

At the Wiggles Live Show

Halloween fun

She's home from her summer visit in Bama

Milkshake in Brevard, NC

Happy Birthday!

At our house in Cali before she left for her summer visitation

Spreading Christmas cheer at CHOA. Bella wanted everyone to have an "I Am Loved" pin. She even handed them out in line at Starbucks.

Her first role as a fairy in "A Midsummer Night's Dream"

Sunday that is usually our day of "Good-bye"

Birthday

Summer visits make my heart happy

Silly faces

Crazy face!

Pouty face

Donated 12 inches of hair to "Locks of Love"

My heart

What is Easter? (in layman’s terms)

Ever drive by a church during the Easter season and see the cross that stands in front draped with a sash? I have always seen them in passing and thought, “Oh, I get it! Purple is before he died, Black for when he died and White for when he rose again. Flowers? New life? I guess? That’s cool.”

That was about as far as my thoughts went.

This year was different. I sought out a cross adorned with a sash. There were two that I really loved.

The pictures below document how I would describe Easter to someone who had never heard of it and knew nothing of it’s meaning. I have many friends who are not believers in Christ nor do they want to discuss what they think to be a fictitious fairy tale. Easter is no fairy tale. It’s a horror story of injustice and brutality with a twist and an ending that no one saw coming.

This is a way for me to make this super personal. Please do not read this as me comparing myself to Jesus. That is not the way it is intended.

PURPLE

Everyone was seemingly happy and supportive. There were high fives and praises being thrown around like they were nothing. Jesus could do no wrong. In fact, people lined the streets to see him. They even talked about how incredible he was. I would go so far as to say that they adored him. In my own life, I can compare this to when I’m the one with the credit card and open tab at the bar and yell, “DRINKS ON ME!” Everyone’s happy, right? There’s a lot of love being passed around.

BLACK

Something went wrong. People began to turn on Jesus and accuse him of things that he had never done. They yelled terrible things to the people in command. This is an example of words truly having the “power of life and death.” They demanded his demise. Those closest to him felt that all hope was lost.
Applying this to present day… This is when my credit card is declined and no one wants to talk to me anymore. The house lights come up and people begin accusing me of stealing, being promiscuous and talking about things I know nothing about. They slay my reputation with their words and judgements. This is when my mom says, “I don’t know what happened? She was such a “good” girl.” The world goes dark and I begin to think that I might never recover.

WHITE

Resurrection. Hope is not lost. The light of the world has not been snuffed out. Those people who were screaming, “Crucify him!” were now scrambling. How could this be? They weren’t counting on him actually being who he said he was. They weren’t counting on him actually going through with the plan.
For me, this one is all about God. I have absolutely nothing to do with this part. (SIDE NOTE: Today when I told my son that we needed to throw his shirt in the wash right away because he had spilled chocolate milk on it, he asked, “What’s a stain?” Without hesitation I replied, “It’s something that leaves a permanent mark.” Wait…what? That’s right. It’s something that leaves a permanent mark. I learn so much in conversations with my kids) I was stained. The marks were difficult to see in darkness, but when brought into the light, they were absolutely glaring.

Then God… met me where I was… in the depths. He scooped me up and didn’t promise me ease, he just promised me possible.

A new life began from that point.
I was dead in my sin.
Now I am alive in forgiveness and grace.

NEW LIFE

Today, my life, is a masterpiece.
The masterpiece began on the day I was born and will continue for the rest of my life.

I will never look at those crosses the same way again. How could I? Now it’s personal.

Head full of Hope: A Story in Pictures

This is a story about my Bella. She is 14 and always looking for ways to make a difference. With the limited resources that she has, she must get creative when supporting others. She knew that she had one thing to give that could potentially impact someone her own age.

Let’s see if a picture really is worth a thousand words…

In the chair at Van Michael Salon in Buckhead with Kelly

Kelly making the first cuts.

The first pieces are in her hand

Second section of cutting

12 inches of beautiful hair

Styling the new do

Remnants of what's left and unusable

Finished Product

She is smiling for several reasons. One being that she feels like she weighs 10 lbs. lighter.

A GREAT BIG THANK YOU to Kelly at Van Michael Salon in Buckhead. She took care of everything. They are a participating salon in Locks of Love.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Arranged

Here are a few examples of things my hands have “Arranged.”

"Raising Awareness"

Raising Awareness Fun
by Joy Cannis

"Happy for the Hospital Staff"

A happy for the doctors and nurses caring for a friend. It's fun to get creative when arranging surprises.
by Joy Cannis

"Vegetarians look away"

Vegetarians Look Away
by Joy Cannis

"Baby Shower"

Celebrating Baby Boys
by Joy Cannis

Books for School

Books donated for our Students
by Joy Cannis

Weekly Photo Challenge: Through

This week’s challenge hit me right where I am right now. I have more than one picture to represent how I feel about the word “through.”

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Anticipating the follow-through
Photo by Joy Cannis

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Light through the Bench
Photo by Joy Cannis

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Church on the hill
Photo by Joy Cannis

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Nature's (Im)perfection
Photo by Joy Cannis

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Light through the trees
Photo by Joy Cannis

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Sweethearts
Photo by Joy Cannis

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Bridge to the other side
Photo by Joy Cannis

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Turtle peeking through tree reflection with fish nearby
Photo by Joy Cannis

Are all of God’s Children Created Equal?

 

“There is only one God and He is God to all; therefore it is important that everyone is seen as equal before God. ~Mother Teresa

“…red, brown, yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight…”

Or are they?

Do you believe that we all start out with the same deck of cards (so to speak)?
The same possibilities…chances…hopes…dreams? We have the same beginning but with vastly different endings?

OR, do you believe that before we are ever conceived, our fate has been decided?

Would God really assign one child to a crack addicted girl while giving another to someone who has dreamed of being a mother for years?

Or what about an alcoholic woman, who, every time she goes to the bathroom prays (to whoever is there) that she will see blood in the toilet as a prerequisite for a miscarriage, mainly because she doesn’t know who the father is. And let’s be honest…she isn’t giving up the booze.

I have heard the following phrases and those similar (as I’m sure you have too),
“Well, we work with the cards we are dealt”
“But for the grace of God go I”
“Worthless drunk. Why can’t he/she just pull it together. It’s lack of discipline I tell you!”
“How could anyone just give up their baby?! Wow, are they going to be sorry later!”
“They obviously chose the short straw.”
Maybe I have used a few of these phrases. YIKES. The thought of it coming out of my mouth makes me cringe.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a difficult battle.” ~Plato

My man and I were in a certain part of the city today.
It was fairly early for a Saturday.
As we sat outside enjoying the beautiful weather, one homeless person after another came into the  park across from where we were.

I watched them with their packs of belongings, their dogs on the end of a thick string and their feet black from walking either barefoot or with worn sandals.

There is a couple that stood out to me. I watched them for a while.
He looked to be comforting her over something.
I watch him approach a passerby. I figured he was asking him for money. To my surprise, he had asked for his to go box that was in his left hand.
The man gave it to him and quickly walked away.

He then took it over to the woman that he was seemingly consoling and gave it to her. She opened the styrofoam container and ate the left over contents from the strangers meal.

Photo by EyeTunes (CC)

“Make us worthy, Lord, to serve those people throughout the world who live and die in poverty and hunger. Give them through our hands, this day, their daily bread, and by our understanding love, give them peace and joy.” ~Mother Teresa

I see the same man walking up Peachtree on my way to work everyday.
And on my way home he is walking in the opposite direction.

I always notice his mannerisms…the way that he hangs his head when a suit walks by or when a woman crosses to the other side of the street to avoid his stink and stare…
The fact that he is always scratching his thickly bearded face.

All the while, conversing in my head, “He probably has head lice and there is no telling what’s living in that beard? I wonder how long it’s been since he’s had a shower? Where does he use the bathroom? I wonder if he even wants help? I can only imagine how bad his body odor is…Why doesn’t he go to a shelter? He probably has to eat out of dumpsters. I wonder if I could ever do that?! People seem to look right through him as if he is not even there. Is that hurtful to him, or has he grown accustomed to it? I wonder how long he’s been on the street?”

I see him walking as if his left leg is shorter than his right. His skin has leathered from the elements and his hair is almost white with spots of grey.

I wonder who he was? I wonder how he became what he is? I wonder if he had a family and a life? A house with a two car garage and a front lawn that he had to mow once a week.

I wonder if he has children somewhere who no longer speak to him?

I wonder if he prays?

I wonder if he feels inadequate and beaten down? I mean, how could he not?

The first day I remember seeing him, I was driving down Peachtree and came to the stoplight, there he was, walking down the sidewalk. “Oh Lord, please don’t let him ask me for money! Please. You know I will give it to him and it is probably to support whatever habit he has.” I avoided eye contact. You know the kind, when someone in utter desperation looks at you and if you are looking at them, you are now involved somehow.

“Don’t look. Just look straight ahead. Good Lord! Is this the longest stoplight in Georgia?!”

I couldn’t help it, I had to look back over to my right where he was walking.

My eyes met his. They were the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen, with lines as deep as valleys encasing them.

He didn’t smile…he did not approach my car and ask for money…he just kept walking.
“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” ~Mother Teresa

Just then I heard the car horn behind me…the light was green.

As I drove on, all I could hear in my head was a quote from Mother Teresa saying, “They are all Jesus in disguise”.

I was shaken. I was…changed.

I began looking for this man every morning and afternoon on my commute.
What is his name? Does he go to a shelter? Does he reside under a bridge? Is he mentally stable?

“Lord, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH THIS?! Why is this person in my path everyday? More than once? I do not know what I am supposed to do with this?! But I know I can’t simply do nothing. I can no longer turn my head and look the other way.”

Besides, that could be me…

“Nah, banish that thought! Put it out of your mind!”

No really, I wasn’t too far from where he is and I certainly deserved to be eating from dumpsters without a bed to sleep in or a roof over my head.

If I say, “Thankfully God was looking out for me!!” Does that mean that He is not looking out for this man?

I’m guessing that when he was little he didn’t dream of one day living on the street. Calling a bridge under I-85 “home sweet home”. I seriously doubt that he saw himself walking around the polluted city streets for hours a day in a sweat stained wife beater and hole filled jeans, while carrying everything he owned in a pink backpack.

I think he dreamed of being something more.

So what happened?

I don’t know? Maybe it was the cards he was dealt? Maybe he’s unlucky? Maybe his destiny was always to be that of a homeless wanderer?

OR…

Maybe not! Maybe someone just like me, at another place and time, before things got so bad, passed him by…looked the other way…figured someone else would help him?

“You and I, we are the Church, no? We have to share with our people. Suffering today is because people are hoarding, not giving, not sharing. Jesus made it very clear. Whatever you do to the least of my brethren, you do it to me. Give a glass of water, you give it to me. Receive a little child, you receive me.” ~Mother Teresa

Do you know what I love and adore about Buckhead Church, my church (with no steeple)? I LOVE that I am constantly challenged to BE THE CHURCH. I am encouraged to BE BOLD. I don’t wait for God to meet me in a building on Sunday, I seek and walk with Him daily. Do you know how powerful that is?! That is a truth that I did not accept until I was 3 decades into my life.

I know that it’s easier not to look or listen or…notice, but I beg you…please…open your eyes.
Or better yet, ask for a new set of eyes. My prayer is, God, Give Me Your Eyes and then help me do something with what I have seen and not worry about what other people think of me.

“If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; 
be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies; 

succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; 

be honest and frank anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; 

be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; 

do good anyway…
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; 

it was never between you and them anyway.”  
~Mother Teresa

 

This Man

Okay, okay, I get it. You want the story. The Chris and Joy “Happily Ever After” story.

An entire book could be written on this subject alone… How we met when I was just 16 and he was 18 and though it would be years before we would consummate what had only grown stronger since that first meeting… our lives… from that day… would never be the same.

And those of you who know me well are right, I cannot get much further into this blog world without talking about the man who stormed the gates of hell, picked me up and carried me home.

More times than not, when I don’t do something, it’s rooted in the fear of failure.

In this case, it’s the fear that I can not do our story justice through my menial writing ability. That I do not have the words to paint an accurate picture of the way that God used this man to change the course of my life. That because of him, I have been redeemed. And because of his faithfulness and pursuit of my heart, I have a better grasp of Christ’s love.

The man that I see when I look at him is one who has sacrificed much and fought tirelessly. This strong and beautiful man has saved me from myself more times than I probably even know. He saw promise in the brokenness. He was able to see what I could not see and he has spent the last decade helping me uncover and bring into the light who I really am.

Christopher is the first man, the first human being that has ever had a front row seat to my heart and soul. It’s a scary thing. He, however, sifted through the lies of darkness, broke down the walls of self loathing and established residence. It was no easy task. His persistence paid off and after, not months, but years of diligently championing my heart, I began to see what he saw. Possibilities from within.

There is a song called Bless the Broken Road.
The first time I heard it while driving, I had to pull over as the tears kept flowing, stinging my eyes and blurring my vision.

Here is the part that most resonates with me…

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I’m just rolling home
Into my lover’s arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Though there is so much more to the story…so many details and tangible evidence of forgiveness, struggle, passion, pain and beauty… the truth that I know, that I will always know, is this…

God created me. And while forming and shaping my being, He already had Christopher in mind. He then made him to fit me exactly. Or maybe vice versa…either way, we are like puzzle pieces… Each completes the whole. We were created with the other in mind and God’s hand is on us still. Of this, I am sure.