Tag Archives: Prayer

No quit Monday

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Cherub statueDo you see it?
The smile I wear so big and bright.
Do you know I came home and collapsed in a pile on the bed
Tired of being tired.
Mentally drained.
Emotionally exhausted.
Spiritually hungry.

Of course you don’t.
How could you?
I would never say those words.

I wouldn’t tell you that I’m consumed with thoughts of motherless children, the homeless, forgotten, abused, discarded human beings and those plagued by addiction.
Little ones and big ones alike who cannot help themselves, overwhelm my longing to be the hands and feet of Christ.
There are too many, Lord.
Where do I even begin?

I don’t always want to live up to my name.
Sometimes I want to pass by without notice.
Sometimes I want to look down at my feet instead of making eye contact.
Sometimes I wish to blend into the background.

What?

It’s true.
Today.
I miss my friend who died last May, leaving two beautiful children and the man of her dreams behind.
My insides ache for my daughter imprisoned by her own mind.
I countdown to 2 weeks when I no longer have a steady paycheck.
I realize that the only thing that is certain is uncertainty.

What if I’m not good enough?
What if I fail?
What if I made a mistake thinking this could work?
What if I can’t do this?
What if it’s my will, not God’s?

I close the door to my closet,
Flip the light off,
Sit on the floor,
Wall against my back,
Listening to myself breathe.

Deep, calculated, cleansing breath in.
I fill up my lungs until the tingle runs down my scalp.
Slow breath out
the worry, stress, insecurity, doubt and any possible regret exit with it.

Does she know I would be there if I could?
Does she know how hard I fight for her?
I am no longer in the circle of decision.
Doesn’t she know, had I not placed distance there, I could not have recovered?
No.
She doesn’t know.
She shouldn’t know.

It’s okay.
I tell myself…again.
But it isn’t, is it?
Not today.
Today it stings like the hornet.
Today I wallow in mental despondency.
Today I long for sleep and nothing else.

Today is almost gone.
What will I show for it when looking back?
I kept breathing.
In and out.
I got up and put one foot in front of the other.
I kept breathing.

God, please don’t allow me to stay here, in this place, for very long.
Darkness tries to hide you,
But your presence is fierce.
Words try to mask your message
But you cannot be silenced.
Time tries to deflect your promises
But to you, what is time?

Pull me from my melancholy stance.
My inner rantings.
My futile attempts at peace.

No… Don’t.
Stay here with me while the pain escapes through salty tears and silent screams.
Stay here. In the anguish. Until it has all been felt and I can turn towards your cleansing light.

What am I to you, God of the universe.
A mere mortal whose time is comparable to dust.
Who’s life is but a vapor.
Who am I to you?
Whisper the answer to my impatient soul.

Stay with me in the stillness.
Stay until dawn breaks the thickness of night.
Stay until silence is replaced with singing.
Stay.
With me here.
Until I can get up off this floor
And stand on my own two feet.

Then will I know the storm has passed.

Evermore goodbye…

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My girl
The tears won’t come
Though each time it’s as if the scar is being torn open
Re-injured
The never healing wound

That’s the only way to describe the feeling when my child leaves after a stay longer than the weekend

It’s never easy or right, however
The pain is more manageable when it’s a mere two days every four weeks
Not as incredibly intense and
Without the agonizing withdrawals

The moments that follow this one will be filled with uncertainty
Questions stirring in my heart and surfacing only in my conscience
Asking, “What kind of mother…”
Confirming my selfishness
Conceding to the lies that bind
Even if only for a time, the truth feels underserved

Tomorrow I will bathe in the promises of my Savior
Tomorrow I will dance in the light of truth
Tomorrow I will stitch up the wound with threads of hope

For today, I will feel the warm tears stinging my eyes and finally running down my cheeks
Relieving the implosion going on below the surface
I will self medicate with prayer and meditation
I will experience the loss of something I love
Even if only for a time

31 Days of Blessings

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Who doesn’t want to be blessed?

I’m not one to write out a list of resolutions, but I do like to claim one word of focus for the year ahead and also read something encouraging and motivating in the first 31 days.

The following from Max Lucado is one of my favorite readings and I want to share it with you. Feel free to download the pdf at the bottom of the page or come back and visit me each day for the reading.

I sure do appreciate your loyalty as a reader.
Happy New Year, Everyone!

“The Brazilians taught me the beauty of a blessing. Here is a scene repeated in Brazil thousands of times daily.

It’s early morning. Time for young Marcos to leave for school. As he gathers his books and heads for the door, he pauses by his father’s chair. He searches his father’s face. Bencao, Pai? Marcos asks. (Blessing, Father?) The father raises his hand. Deus te abençoe, meufliho, he assures. (God bless you, my son.) Marcos smiles and hurries out the door. Father and child part for the day, a blessing requested, a blessing willingly given. The son seeks his father’s favor as he begins his day. We should do the same. Like the child longing for the father’s favor, each of us needs a daily reminder of our heavenly Father’s love.

When I returned to the United States from Brazil, I began the practice of pronouncing a blessing on our church at the end of each service. It was my way of praying for them in their presence. I’d like to do the same for you. May each day’s blessing encourage you as you seek your Father’s face.”

One – A Blessing of Hope
May the God of peace, the eternal One and only God, grant you an awareness of his immediate return. May you be patient, may you be eager, but most of all may you be found ready when he calls.

“Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”
1 Peter 1:8, NIV

Two – A Blessing of Grace
Today, may you go in the grace and peace and the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. May the grace he has given you be the grace that you share with others.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing.” Galatians 2:20-21, NIV

Three – A Blessing for Protection
May the God of peace and grace and truth be your guide as you begin your day. May he go ahead of you and prepare the way. May he come behind you and protect you. May he surround you and make you aware of his presence.

“I ask the Father in his great glory to give you the power to be strong inwardly through his Spirit. I pray that Christ will live in your hearts by faith and that your life will be strong in love and be built on love.” Ephesians 3:16-17

Four – A Blessing for Daily Worship
Today, may you be aware that worship is a way of life — it’s not just a once a week event. May your worship never cease. May you continue living in the Father’s presence, and may you continue being thankful for what he has done.

“Shout to the Lord, all the earth. Serve the Lord with joy; come before him with singing. Know that the Lord is God. He made us, and we belong to him; we are his people, the sheep he tends. Come into his city with songs of thanksgiving and into his courtyards with songs of praise. Thank him and praise his name. The Lord is good. His love is forever, and his loyalty goes on and on.” Psalm 100

Five – A Blessing for Encouragement
May you know the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ today. Let his spirit overshadow and consume you. I pray that it gives you strength and courage and focus in everything you do today.

“God will strengthen you with his own great power so that you will not give up when troubles come, but you will be patient. And you will joyfully give thanks to the Father who has made you able to have a share in all that he has prepared for his people in the kingdom of light.”Colossians 1: 11

Six – A Blessing for Conviction
As your day begins, may the Father’s blessing be upon you. Be his quiet and holy representative. Be the one who takes a stand for that which is right. Be the one who reminds the world of what really matters in our world. Be the voice of God and the promise of eternity.

“May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father encourage you and strengthen you in every good thing you do and say. God loved us, and through his grace he gave us a good hope and encouragement that continues forever.”
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

Seven – A Blessing for Guidance
May the Spirit which lives within you guide and convict you. Remember the message which brought you to him. Let it be the message you share with others. May peace and power be yours today.

“I pray that the God who gives hope will fill you with much joy and peace while you trust in him. Then your hope will overflow by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

Eight – A Blessing of Anticipation
In everything you do today, may your spirit be one of eager expectation and patient trust. Eagerly expect your Father to return any minute, but patiently trust him to do what is right.

“Our homeland is in heaven, and we are waiting for our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, to come from heaven.” Philippians 3:20

Nine – A Blessing for the Soul
May the song within you which sings for eternity, sing loudly. Heed the songs of heaven. Dismiss the songs of earth. May the Father quiet the voices around you which tell you to settle for less than what he promises.

“Always be joyful. Pray continually, and give thanks whatever happens. That is what God wants for you in Christ Jesus.”
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Ten – A Blessing for Eternity
Look for the Father’s face today. Seek him. Search for him. Pursue him. And may what you see cause you to long for the day you see him eternally.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. In God’s great mercy he has caused us to be born again into a living hope, because Jesus Christ rose from the dead. Now we hope for the blessings God has for his children. These blessings, which cannot be destroyed or be spoiled or lose their beauty are kept in heaven for you.” 1 Peter 1:3-4

Eleven – A Blessing for Faithfulness
Seek to be holy, and in seeking holiness, serve God. As you go into the world today, go in his presence, in anticipation of his glorious return. And when he returns, may he find you faithful.

“I pray that Christ will live in your hearts by faith and that your life will be strong in love and be built on love. And I pray that you and all God’s holy people will have the power to understand the greatness of Christ’s love— how wide and how long and how high and how deep that love is.” Ephesians 3:17-18

Twelve – A Blessing for Goodness
May God use you as a voice of holiness today. Seek the Father’s face and reflect what you see.

“Do not forget to do good to others, and share with them, because such sacrifices please God.” Hebrews 13:16

Thirteen – A Blessing for Quiet Time
As you spend time alone with God, allow the Lord to seed your heart with understanding. Invite him to spade and dig and shovel and fertilize those seeds so that his words will take root and bear fruit. Trust God to defeat the one who is lurking nearby, seeking to steal the seeds before they hit the ground.

“Plant goodness, harvest the fruit of loyalty, plow the new ground of knowledge. Look for the Lord until he comes and pours goodness on you like water.”
Hosea 10:12

Fourteen – A Blessing for Trust
God is strong and can help you not to fall. He can bring you before his glory without any wrong in you and can give you great joy. He is the only God, the One who saves. To him be glory, to him be greatness, to him be power and authority through Jesus Christ our Lord for all time, now and forever.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13, NIV

Fifteen – A Blessing for Righteousness
May the Father’s blessings be upon you as you go into the world today. Carry his banner. Reflect his love; embody his spirit. Show the tenderness that he has shown you. Give the grace you have been given.

“The Lord has done great things for us, and we are very glad.” Psalm 126:3
“Live in peace with each other.” 1Thessalonians 5:13

Sixteen – A Blessing for Commitment
God has uniquely equipped you for service. Recommit to God the gifts he has given you. Use the gifts to be a breath of fresh air and to help others who are seeking the Father. May they see in you a life blessed by faith.

“So brothers and sisters, since God has shown us great mercy, I beg you to offer your lives as a living sacrifice to him. Your offering must be only for God and pleasing to him, which is the spiritual way for you to worship. Do not change yourselves to be like the people of this world, but be changed within by a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to decide what God wants for you; you will know what is good and pleasing to him and what is perfect.” Romans 12:1-2

Seventeen – A Blessing for Stewardship
Be grateful for what the Father has given you. Spend money as he would spend it. Be generous as God is generous. God loves a cheerful giver because he is a cheerful giver.

“You are rich in everything—in faith, in speaking, in knowledge, in truly wanting to help, and in the love you learned from us. In the same way, be strong also in the grace of giving.” 2 Corinthians 8:7

Eighteen – A Blessing for Focus
Today may you see Jesus and him only. May the Father have mercy upon you. Hear his voice, see his hand, and be aware that he is calling each of us home in everything he does.

“The Lord your God is with you; the mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you.” Zephaniah 3:17

Nineteen – A Blessing for God’s Promises
Go today in the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ. May the promise of your life and the promise of his return be the hope of your day.

“Keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the Lord Jesus Christ with his mercy to give you life forever.” Jude 21

Twenty – A Blessing from the Cross
Ponder the price God has paid to purchase you. Be aware of the blood that was shed to make you holy and righteous. Know the peace that only he can give and the grace that only he can offer. Reflect that love in every step you take today.

“You do not belong to yourselves, because you were bought by God for a price. So honor God with your bodies.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Twenty-One – A Blessing for God’s Love
I pray that today you will realize the gift of God’s love—the incomparable love of the Father for his child. Such a love! A love that you sense with the passing of the breeze and coolness of the air. A love that comes not from one on earth , but the incredible love from One in heaven.

“God is love. ‘Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. Love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.” 1 John 4:16, NIV

Twenty-Two – A Blessing for Peace
God has given you his son. He has given you the Word. And he has given you his promise. May all three enrich your life, strengthen your work, and bring you peace.

“As you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so continue to live in him. Keep your roots deep in him and have your lives built on him. Be strong in the faith, just as you were taught, and always be thankful.” Colossians 2:6-7

Twenty-Three – A Blessing for Sharing the Message
Because the Father never closes out his passion for reaching people, I pray that today you will pray for those in your world who have yet to meet him. As you offer up the names of family members, friends, co-workers, may God see your heart for sharing the message with them. He will hear your earnest plea.

“God is fair; he will not forget the work you did and the love you showed for him by helping his people.” Hebrews 6:10

Twenty-Four – A Blessing for Courage
May God give you the confidence of Daniel to face any crisis. May you have the assurance of Moses and Abraham that God is on your side. May you be willing to let God work things out according to his plan and in his time. Never interpret God’s silence as God’s absence.

“Lord, even when I have trouble all around me, you will keep me alive. When my enemies are angry, you will reach down and save me by your power. Lord, you do everything for me. Lord, your love continues forever. Do not leave us, whom you made” Psalm 138:7-8

Twenty-five – A Blessing for Prayer
Be a soldier of prayer. Seek the Father before, during, and after your time of struggle. May the Spirit constantly remind you of the need for prayer, and of the Father’s desire to hear your voice.

“Pray in the Spirit at all times with all kinds of prayer, asking for everything you need. To do this you must always be ready and never give up. Always pray for all God’s people.” Ephesians 6:18

Twenty-Six – A Blessing for God’s Ambassadors

Radiate the peace of God wherever you go. Speak as Jesus spoke, touch as he touched, love with the love of people who look forward to heaven. May you restore God’s love in the lives of those you meet today.

“We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.” 2 Corinthians 5:20, NIV

Twenty-Seven – A Blessing for Gratitude
Have a grateful heart today. Everything you have comes from God and belongs to him. Share with others with a happy heart. Imitate the love of Jesus in dealing with others.

“Happy are those who respect the Lord and obey him. You will enjoy what you work for, and you will be blessed with good things.”Psalm 128:1-2

Twenty-Eight – A Blessing for Forgiveness
May you know the healing that comes from forgiving others. Relinquish any anger in your heart and remove any bitterness from your attitude. Lay these burdens at the foot of the cross. Vengeance is not yours—vengeance is God’s. Forgive others as you have been forgiven.

“Be kind and loving to each other, and forgive each other just as God forgave you in Christ.” Ephesians 4:32

Twenty-Nine – A Blessing for Revival
The father is faithful. His dreams have never died. He is the great dreamer. May be invigorate your faith today, rekindle your love for him, and renew your commitment to make a difference in your world.

“Be alert. Continue strong in the faith. Have courage, and be strong.”
1 Corinthians 16:13

Thirty – A Blessing for Joy
He is the God of peace. He is the God of joy. May Emmanuel, who came to be with us, be with you in every step of this week’s journey. May you feel his presence throughout this day. And may you reflect his joy in all you do. Go with God.

“Lord, let me live so people will praise you.” Psalm 143:11

Thirty-One – A Blessing for God’s People
Now may the God of grace and peace let his face shine upon you. Be aware of his relentless tenderness and devotion to you. Sense the power of his spirit. Be kind to others as he has been kind to you. Give grace as he has given grace to you. Grant the message of salvation to someone as he has granted it to you. Go in peace.

“This promise is for you, for your children, and for all who are far away. It is for everyone the Lord our God calls to himself.” Acts 2:39

Download 31 Days of Blessings

31 Days of Blessings from Max Lucado
© 1995 by Max Lucado
Unless otherwise indicated Scripture references are from the New Century Version of the Bible, © 1987, 1988. 1991, Word Publishing.
Scripture references marked NIV are from the New International Version of the Bible, published by the Zondervan Corporation, © 1973 by the New York Bible Society. Used by permission.

One big beautiful mess

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Typically the words mess and beautiful are not associated. For me, they are. You are entering one of the most private places in my life. The inner room. My sanctuary. My retreat from the noisy world. My transport to creativity.

Here it is…MessDoesn’t look much like an inner sanctum, does it?

The chair that holds the mountain of laundry is my writing chair. It’s where I sit and let my mind breathe. It’s where I go for my decompression session of one. As you have already guessed it’s impossible to write in this space when it looks like this. It’s also completely overwhelming to think about where even to start.

I’ve been doing it for years. Washing clothes and piling them in a place that is out of visitor’s view, where I can return later to sort, fold and put away. With five people in the house it’s not that easy and the bigger the pile, the more the stress grows.

It reminds me of my inner turmoil. I can hide it from the outside world for a while. I can close the door to that room so you can’t see inside. But eventually it spills over into other areas and it’s not as easy to hide anymore.

This mess begins to affect my morning routine when I’m getting ready for work. My evening when I come home from a long day. Intimacy with my man as it is an eyesore in our bedroom. I can only step over it, dig through it and make excuses for so long until I’m forced to look directly at it, admit the toll it is taking on my mental, spiritual and emotional health and commit to cleaning it up. It’s the wreckage of my present and it’s ugly.

I have discovered a system for seeing it through from start to finish. It’s called the “circle of serenity.”
circleI have to get right in the middle of it, hunker down and start sorting. If I stick to it, soon I have neat piles, assigned by owner. Before attempting to put anything away, everything must be sorted and folded. Sounds simple right?

It really isn’t very different from my mind. I have to do the same thing with thoughts and emotions. They pile up as well. Often times requiring sitting down and committing to sorting things out.

There are many other things I would rather be doing, but when I reach the end result I am always grateful for the process.
CleanAh, that’s the chair I know and love. The one that envelopes me and summons the artist within. My little corner of the world where I can process, meditate and be restored to a healthy place.

What about you? Can you relate to my sabotaging one of the few places I find peace?

“To know him is to love him”

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The title of this post is taken from Caden Beggan’s community facebook page. Unlike I, you have probably been following his story. I just read about Caden today. It is always gut wrenching to read of a child and family enduring something like this, but what caught my eye was his name. Caden Riley Beggan. His first and middle name being the names and exact spelling of each of my sons. He is 6 years old, just as my Riley is.

This is a lengthy post. I have copied excerpts from posts written by his father on his community page. I am astounded by the faith of this man. The purpose of this precious ones struggle falls under one of those things that we spoke about several days ago that I just don’t understand and wouldn’t be able to change even if I did.

I am forever changed after reading this family’s journey.

November 9
“Dear friends,

Friday. Some 17 days after contracting a highly virulent infection (meningococcal septicaemia), Caden is alive.

Its malignancy, its utter loathing and disrespect for life knows no bounds. It is a mephitic organism whose stench will forever pervade my future; a poisonous and offensive bug whose sole purpose, it’s very reason for existing, seems to have been for the ruin of my son.

But, Caden . . . my champion, my hero, that tough little warrior fights on with the heart of a lion and continues to defy the odds. *His* existence will forever be a credit to him, a badge of honour, a praise to his Father in Heaven.

Let the Angels sing, Caden is alive!
Dance on your tears, Caden is alive!

I have not really seen the sun much these past two weeks, but a friend persuaded me to take a walk yesterday, and perhaps even consider a haircut (I’m assured that one was long overdue). So I did, and I did. A very kind hairdresser listened while I shared a little heartache and peppered it with a little hope. I even stopped by a clothes shop on the way back to the hospital and purchased something warm for the winter.

Daylight. Haircut. Shopping. Caden.

The streets were crowded, people everywhere busying themselves with their daily concerns, and then there was Caden. People talking, and Caden. People walking, and Caden. In every phone conversation as people raced to their destination, Caden. In every shop window, in every Christmas decoration, Caden. Then, the sun, in the last few minutes before retiring for the evening; so conspicuously absent from the dark shadows of the last 17 days, opened my eyes.

Caden was still alive; is still alive and lying in a hospital bed some five hundred yards from where I was standing. Right there, in that bustling sidewalk, I lifted my voice to the heavens, and declared that day a good day. How can I mourn the loss of a son who is still very much alive?…

I pray and I hope as one walking on thin ice, afraid to move this way or that for fear of plunging into a black abyss of despair. Last night, I fell asleep on my knees. I had few, if any words, but I held on to every ounce of faith I had and this morning I came to Caden’s bedside with a steely determination. My son lives. My son wants to live, of that there’s no doubt, and for as long as I am his father, I will fight with him and for him using everything I can. I cannot *make* him better, but I can pray. I cannot fix him, but I can share his remarkable story.

…I have begun work on a storybook that we hope will help Caden understand what has happened to him while he’s “been asleep.” It began with a dream that his Mum had. In the story, our intrepid hero (Caden) has to battle a very vicious and wicked monster. In the end, Caden defeats his foe, but with a heavy price. He then spends some time being transformed into a superhero who in turn helps others to fight their demons.

#KeepOnPinking
#PrayForCaden

Caden’s Dad — with Angela Beggan and Rachel Catherine Pattison in Linthouse.”

November 10
Day 18.
“Caden is alive.

…More upsetting was having to break the news of Caden’s hand to his elder brother, Declan. Declan is strong though, and through tears, he spent time with his brother, talking to him and asking many questions about Caden’s future. Even Ethan was excited to we Caden today. “I want to get closer daddy,” he insisted. I am greatly encouraged by this, since I really believe healing is beginning in their hearts also.

Declan’s grief was a stark reminder of the circumstances in which we find ourselves. My heart once again echoed his sorrow, “It is NOT fair!”

In truth, it is nothing short of an atrocity for which no one will be held accountable. There will be no court of arbitration, no sentence passed, or day of recompense. A merciless pestilence has perpetrated its appalling crime and I am condemned to watch my son’s slow demise as piece by piece he is stripped of his dignity, and I feel powerless to affect the final outcome.

Where is the outcry? Where are the mourners? Why aren’t you wearing black when you show up with your platitudes? Let the laughter cease and the wailing commence, for my precious Caden lies bruised and battered, slain in effect; cut down and trampled underfoot.

My heart bleeds, “It is not fair!”

And yet . . . There is so much suffering in the world, suffering that until recently, has been kept at bay, and has kindly observed a safe distance from my front door. Everyday, on the way to see Caden, I pass numerous sick children whose parents’ faces are painted with desperate anguish; desperate to have their pleas heard by some Higher Power capable of doing what they wish they could do for their own child. All around us, children are dying. So with all this suffering, can I really yell, “Foul!”? Who am I that I should be exempt from these miseries? Who am I that I should be spared this horror? Who am I to question why it did not happen to a nameless other?

I am persuaded that no matter how horrific my affliction, there will always be someone worse off than I. Can I really compare my personal grief to that of another? Isn’t their suffering just as valid as my own? Even if, unlike my Caden, their offspring still looks like their child. Even with a valid claim to pain, such as the agony I feel right now, can any of us ever truly understand what it is like to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes? The cry, “Unfair!” may very well itself be unfair.

However, I have observed something else alongside the suffering. In the midst of the worst, the very best has come to light. From all over the world, near and far, angels of mercy bear witness to grace and share their compassion. They come with love and with gifts, with consolation and comfort. And the grace that they attest to falls upon my brow to soothe my aching. What started as a trickle is becoming a flood, a wave of mercy bringing its relief.

In the shade of my Father’s covering, I will rest a short while and gather my strength. I will let him tell me of his great love. Let him convince me that he has not abandoned me. Let him show his loving-kindness greater than any other. Let it be so. Let it be so.”

Excerpt taken from post on November 11
“Another Sunday. Another day. Another hour. Another minute.

Every day an anniversary; a landmark celebration of Caden’s life, of Caden’s struggle, of Caden’s victories. Every day a memorial; a tearful reminder of the life Caden once had, of Caden’s losses. Every day is a thousand years. Every day is a fleeting instant. Every day an angry shout. Every day a tender whisper. Every day a mournful procession. Every day an adrenaline shot. Every day a troubadour’s song. Every day a dumbstruck tongue. Every day an isolation. Every day a crowd of comforters. Every day alone, but never alone.

Always whimpering, always smiling. Always down, always up. Cursing and blessing. Hating and loving. Agonising and hoping. Lying and promising. Fearing and trusting.

I crave the crags in the caves where the light does not disturb my lament or the saltwater waves irritate my wounds. I long for the mirth of pastoral country; simple and serene and seeded with brighter tomorrows. I am one day this, and one day that, but I am always these: Caden’s dad and my Father’s son.

I am not here to talk about me though I am deeply grateful for this space, for this community of compassion, where weary pilgrims, such as I, may share their story. I am here to talk to you about my dear six-year old son, Caden Riley Beggan.

He is my waking, my morning; my sleeping, my yawning. His smile shifts even the darkest clouds. His rantings and ramblings, his playing and his mischief are staple foods in my daily diet, and each aspect of his beautiful self is as nourishing as the next. I have placed, at times, such hopes in him; dreamt of futures and possibilities that every father would do for their own child. I suppose the truth is I see so much of myself in Caden. I have talked to God a thousand times in terms of my past, wishing my son(s) would repeat none of my mistakes, and do everything I wished that I could have, that I should have.

I’d think nothing of spending hours watching him as he etches with his pencil his fantastical worlds – a resplendent imagination. In spite of the fact that most of Christmas Days or Birthdays consisted of co-building Lego kits (though he needed no help), I wouldn’t trade one father-son play-date for any kind of treasure you’d care to mention.

As I sit and watch his fragile body, some foot and a half shorter than it should be, dressed in black scars and plastic, I still marvel at the beauty of this exceptional piece of craftsmanship. Perhaps, God’s finest moment.

It is as tragic as the rip of a saw through the Mona Lisa. No! Even more so, but I’m still compelled to laud his life; to lionise my son; to glorify my Father in my admiration of Caden’s true beauty.

The true beauty of the Mona Lisa is not in the painting itself, but in the mind of the one who created it. The true value of such a priceless work of art lies not in the single view of any critic, but the admiration of the many. And there is much to admire about my son, not least of all his courage.”

Excerpt taken from a post on November 18
“…We are not who we were, as Caden himself is not who he was. We are the first words in a new chapter, and writer’s block seeks to rob us of our imagination for the future. We are at the edge of an abyss, blindly groping our way around for a footbridge. We will not fall victim to despair. We will give no quarter to the sorrow that would inhabit our lives. We grieve, but with hope, and for many tomorrows, as many as God sees fit to grant us.

You may pity my misfortune and together we will mourn our losses, but if you cry with me, then you must also laugh with me on that glorious day when together we pen the words, “Caden is awake!”

November 20, 2012

“Dear friends,

Caden Riley Beggan
Born 29th September, 2006
Died 20th November, 2012
. . . in Mummy and Daddy’s arms.

Thank you for all your support.

Caden is alive forevermore . . .”

If you would like to send cards to the family, please feel free to send to the family home.
David and Angela
1 Wishaw Low Road
Cleland
ML1 5QU

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‘Tis the Season to…

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stop judging.
Fah-lah-lah-lah-lah
la-lah-lah-lah

I mean it. Stop it!

For many of us the holidays are a wonderful time of the year.
It’s a time for celebration and togetherness.
For others of us it’s a time of survival.
A time of trying to get out of bed in the morning and put one foot in front of the other.
A time that we long to end.

I don’t know what place you are in today.
I know where I am. I know from whence I came.
Therefore I can tell you that I have experienced both extremes.
The pain of uncertainty and the joy of security.

My prayer for you today is peace and rest, contentment and delight, meet you right where you are. For an overwhelming sense of well-being to fill your soul. Tangible evidence of love so deep and wide and unconditional that you can’t help but give thanks for the moment.

For my friend who is facing the holidays without her mother for the first time, I pray for the kind of comfort that only a mother can give. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to document a day in the last few weeks of her life. What an incredible honor.

For my friend who’s husband left her a single mother by choice, I pray for God’s provision and protection in the coming year in a way that no earthly man could provide. Thank you for sharing your story with others in hopes of being a light in a dark time. I know that in time, your heart will heal.

For my friend who is explaining thankfulness to his two children who lost their mother six months ago, I pray for words of wisdom to flow from your lips into little ears of understanding. Thank you for accepting “Happy’s” from me wrapped in crazy patterned duct tape and filled with things like “happy hearts” with arms for hugging. I will never forget how during one of the darkest moments in your life, you took the time to tell me about her love of the clinging cross, helping me feel like I was there with her during the agonizing pain even when my physical presence was not.

For my friend who would be less than a month away from celebrating her baby girl’s 1st birthday, I pray for peace as memories of the days that she had in your arms are relived. Thank you for allowing me to be one of the incredibly fortunate ones who got to meet her during her short time on earth. What a gift!

For my friend with a heart aching for the man she loves who was taken too soon. My prayer for you, dearly loved, is that you will dream big! That the purpose in your sorrow would be made known as I believe it is unfolding before us now. I pray that your story would impact others in a way that no one else can. I pray that you will love again and have a long, passion filled, beautiful life. Thank you for letting me come alongside you on this journey. You are teaching me so much about what true strength is and what faith really means.

There are more of you. Please know that you are loved. You are prayed over, you are lifted up, you are thought of.

For those who will be making mad dashes to cash in on the black Friday sales, good luck.
For each of us, may we remember to stop and think before cutting our eyes at the lady with the screaming child or cutting in front of the driver going too seemingly slow. This is a time of reflection. It’s a time to look to the left and the right and ask what we can do for someone other than ourselves. In the end Darling, it’s really all that matters anyway. What we do for others, I mean. Next year you won’t remember what you purchased at the “sale.” For me, I always remember the feeling of doing something for someone else. There is nothing better.

Blessings to you in this coming season and the new year that will follow. May all that is good and true and beautiful be yours.

 

Where is God now?

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How could I ever look at anything and ask, “Where’s God?!” All I have to do is look out my window. I can see God everywhere, in everything.
But I have been in that place. More than once. Spiritual desolation where God is nowhere to be found. That corner of hell with gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair.

That place where a young mother is diagnosed with cancer and dies less than a year later leaving a husband and two young children that she worked so hard to have.

The place where baby’s who are “incompatible with life” are carried full-term, the mother’s belly sliced open to give baby life and after a few short days out of the womb the mother is left with memories, photos and a wound far greater than the one from the blade of the scalpel.

The place where ends don’t meet.

There’s no happily ever after.

Where regret is a constant companion and depression is the norm.

Where one begins to doubt heaven and the existence of a God at all.

What kind of God would take the life of a 17-year-old girl with all the promise in the world, one beautiful day after a small town football game? Her mother recalls her saying, “It’s the most beautiful day! I don’t remember a day quite like it?” That was one of the last things she heard her daughter say.

Who wants to know a God that watches two small children lay flowers on their mother’s grave and ask their daddy night after night, “Where’s mommy?”

If God is so good wouldn’t he grant the wish of the young wife who has cried herself to sleep for the last 5 years when the pregnancy test is negative…again.

What about the children who are sold into a world of sex and abuse. Being promised to the dirtiest of men who use them up and throw them away when they’re finished. Surely God doesn’t see or hear their whimper for help. How could he and not do anything about it?!

I don’t know the answer. What I do know, without a doubt in my mind, is that God is good…all the time…even when it doesn’t feel like it. I have crouched, head in hands, digging nails into my scalp, hoping the pain would cure my numbness.

I have been in my corner of self-inflicted hell with seemingly no way out while making promise after promise to my Creator of what I would abstain from if only he would get me out of the current circumstances and save me from myself.I have committed heinous acts thought to push me far beyond forgiveness.

Here is what I know. The same God who calmed the sea when he told Peter to walk out on the water to him, calms my heart when I don’t understand his plan. Just like Peter, when I take my eyes off of him, I sink into the very thing I think capable of overtaking me.

I want to have faith. I do. I want to see every situation through the eyes of a just and loving God with a plan far greater than my own…but more times than not, I don’t. Half the time I shake my fist to the heavens while the other half I lay face down on the floor, arms out, palms open, “Thy will be done, Lord. Not my will, but thine.”

I don’t understand his ways. Why should I? I was never promised full disclosure. If I were granted understanding, would there be a need for faith? What would it really change?

He is a God who gives and takes away.

His love endures forever and ever.

I believe.

The only other option is the opposite of hope. A life of uncertainty, waiting for the next “thing” to happen. Asking myself when atrocities occur what I could have done to prevent it, when none of it is within the realm of my control, nor would I want it to be.

God is God and I am not.
All knowing.
All seeing.
All wise.
Infinite.
Immortal.
Unchanging.
The same yesterday, today and forever.

There is one thing I do have control over.
The choices I make.
In this moment,
I choose faith.
I choose not knowing the whole story, but trusting that it will play out as it should.
I choose joy.
I choose grace and mercy.
I choose to see people as God with skin on.
I choose life.
I choose Christ.
I choose freedom.
I choose trust.
I choose forgiveness.

I choose to go out on my back porch, take in beauty that is far too majestic to capture, inhale cleansing breaths through my nose and into every cell in my body, all that is good, all that is well, all that is pure and healing. While exhaling the “what if?” “Why me?” “Why them?” “Why now?” I choose the something far greater awaiting me, if I choose to believe.