Five Minute Friday: Expectation

Posted on June 8, 2012 by Joy

When I read the word “Expectation” as the subject for our 5 minutes together today, I immediately thought of Matthew 6. Only I couldn’t remember that it was Matthew 6 so I had to google the key words and verses. (Just keepin’ it honest with my imperfections.)

I have been thinking a great deal about nature and the way that it surrenders to the Master’s plan. The intricate detail displayed in a spider’s web is fascinating to me. Today’s post is illustrated with examples of creation and the lack of expectation as it knows the Father is taking care of every need.

^25-26“If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.

^27-29“Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

^30-33“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

³⁴“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” ~Matthew 6:25-34

OK, are you ready? What does Expectation mean to you?

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.

3. Please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments.

When I was a Christian

Posted on May 23, 2012 by Joy

I grew up in a loving home surrounded by “God-fearing” parents, grandparents, friends and neighbors. My mom says that I prayed to receive Christ at age two. Though she was unable to decipher my words, she’s certain that’s what I did.

I distinctly remember at age seven, sitting at the kitchen counter, across from my mom, when my dad called to say that my grandfather’s long and painful battle with cancer was over. And just like that I learned of mortality…

To continue reading this post, please visit Leanne Penny’s site here where she has started a unique series called, “Beautiful Scars.”

In the midst of the storm

Posted on May 21, 2012 by Joy

I don’t know whether to cry or scream. Stay busy or sleep the day away. Restless is not an accurate description of the way I feel. I don’t know what would be?

My heart aches. Literally, my chest physically hurts. My understanding is so limited, so human.

My friend is in need of a miracle.

I believe in the God of miracles.

Yet, He is silent.

Lord, help my unbelief. Disprove my doubts. Show the doctors with human hands who the Ultimate Physician really is.

I look at the work of your hands. The way you have created life in seemingly lifeless places. I want to beg you to breathe life back into Elliot’s frail body. Knowing full well that your will is not my will and that Jesus taught us to approach the throne of grace with the words, “Thy will be done.” on our tongue.

But Father, I want to pound my fists in rage at the injustice as well as lifting my hands in praise for your faithfulness. I am in a strange place that is neither familiar nor foreign. Where fear meets faith…I suppose.

What am I supposed to do with this storm of emotion?! My fear tells me to sit with my back in the corner so that I feel surrounded by stability. How foolish of me for even thinking that walls capable of crumbling could provide me with security.

God, I know where my security lies and yet my faith is lacking. It’s not necessarily the realism of mortality that is so distressing. It is the little ones she would leave behind. It is the man of her dreams and the children they made together. It is those of us left…back here…on this earth of loss and tragedy. A place where understanding may never come.

These are the times we feel the gnawing in our gut and the longing in our soul. It is a homesickness of sorts. Not for this world. For Heaven.

“Help me. Please. Father. Abba. Please help me.”

* To follow Elliot’s story, visit her CaringBridge site. You can find her on facebook and post words of encouragement on her wall as well.

There’s nothin’ I hate more than nothin’

Posted on May 16, 2012 by Joy

I have so much stirring in my heart…my mind…my gut. Yet, when I sit in front of this screen with a blank page of endless possibilities before me, just waiting for my words to create thoughts that explain something about this crazy journey I’m on…I got nothin’.

So I have avoided coming here…to this place where I bare my soul and reveal my idiosyncrasies. After reading this quote from Anais Nin, “If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it.” I am back here…in this place…where I can breathe.

There are many things that have been brewing deep down in the parts of my being rarely visited. Things that have been around for a while that I push back down whenever they attempt to surface. The problem is, I’m tired of pushing against the inevitable. Those things needing to be dealt with will eventually burst through, leaving me with no choice but to sift through the wreckage.

Who enjoys that?! Certainly not I. In order to sift through my wreckage I need more than some disposable plastic gloves. I need waders at the very least, but preferably a hazmat suit. It’s ugly and it hurts. It’s like cleaning gravel from a fresh wound. Hurts like hell, but the only way to prevent infection is to destroy the threat.

So here I am…beginning the cleansing process…Of what, I’m not exactly sure…yet. But just as the past has proven, more will be revealed.

I have been looking through pictures as they usually calm my spirit and I came across these two that I love. I love them for many reasons. One being that the first one was taken only minutes after my son was born prematurely via c-section. Another is because his life represents so many wonderful things. Defying the odds. Proving wrong one scary diagnosis after another. This little boy and me, we are not only survivors, we are conquerors.

And there is one very obvious fact that I cannot deny.
It’s this…God is good.
He is faithful.

And because of that, when words fail me, even if in a whisper, I must speak the beautiful name of my Savior.

This is my prayer in the days to come.

“Help me lift your name higher… Jesus

You are my heart’s desire… Jesus

You set my soul on fire… Jesus

Your all consuming power… Jesus

I need you every hour… Jesus… Savior… Master… Healer… Restorer… Rescuer… Redeemer… Lover of my soul.”

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Five Minute Friday: Identity

Posted on May 11, 2012 by Joy

On Fridays over here a group of people who love to throw caution to the wind and just write. Just five minutes. Unscripted. Unedited. Real. Your words. This shared feast.

Before reading today’s topic I was up on my soapbox talking about raw beauty. When seeing the parallel between my post and the topic I was excited.

I wish I could say that I find my identity solely in Christ. I want to. But that wouldn’t be entirely true. I’m better than I once was, but I’m not there yet.

So where do I find my identity? (Let’s name just 5)

My writing.
My relationship with my husband.
My children.
My work.
My family.

When those things fail me or make me feel less than valuable (which they inevitably will), I run back to the arms of the Father, thanking Him for being my refuge.

I want to do that even when everything is great in all of the other areas! I want to read my bible more and view it as a letter from my Savior. I want to look forward to being able to study His teachings and promises.

And though I long to be in His presence, sitting quietly while soaking up His splendor, I do not seek out the truth in His word nearly enough.

I, at times, make myself an island, hiding behind my computer screen and getting lost in online reading, writing and picture editing.

My identity has been one of confusion and change. However, more and more I see myself settling into the place of my Lord and finding great fulfillment and peace in His sovereignty.

STOP

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments.

Raw Beauty

Posted on May 11, 2012 by Joy

“Beauty is a short-lived tyranny.” ~Socrates

How do you define beauty? How do the people around you define it? Especially the 13-25 year old crowd?

My 14 year old daughter came to me recently with a copy of a popular magazine in her hand. “Mom, how can I look like this?!” she asked.

“You can’t.” I answered. “This is not reality. This is an illusion.”

“You’re just saying that!” she exclaimed rather passionately.

Oh the drama that is a teenage girl searching for her place in a fallen world. How can she ever find it when she is surrounded by images that falsely portray perfection?

This is an argument as old as time. Should beauty be important? Does God care about beauty? Is it a sin to want to be beautiful? Is it ungodly to pluck my eyebrows, shave, have nice hair, wear make-up? My answer to these questions is, “Yes. God cares about beauty. Otherwise, I think, He would have made the world colorless and with much less detail. I truly believe the answer relies much on your definition of beauty. No. It is not (in my opinion) ungodly to accentuate your beauty.”

(I realize that there are a million different opinions for these questions and a scripture to back up each one. Many of them, I have heard. Please do not waste your energy sending me hateful messages about how God wants all of us to be ugly and poor.)

After making excuses and suggestions, I realized that Bella has seen the Dove ads and the how-to for Photoshopped images many, many times and she still sees that as professionally done (which they are.) I had to make this personal…I did what my ego hates…there was no other way…after all, this is my daughter and her friends and my friends and friends of friends. This is the very reason that I speak openly in conversation, workshops and seminars about a 12 year battle with bulimarexia.

I had to remove the veil of post editing and show her what a real person looks like without any touch-ups or enhancers. I knew that person had to be me.

So, I asked Chris to take a head shot of me with a 100mm macro lens. A lens specializing in all of the tiny details that one would otherwise miss. The point was not to have a perfectly set shot, but rather, a spontaneous moment, as one would capture in day to day life.

I must admit to you that I did not even like the fact that my physical flaws were so exposed to my husband! My vanity does not want him or you or my children or anyone to see the fine lines (or pores on my face) for that matter!

However, it is no longer an option for the number on the scale, the size of my jeans or the fact that my dimples have turned into lines, to define me. To find my identity in such triviality is not only foolish, but possibly fatal.

I did not use Photoshop on the images. I used Aperture. The goal was not to morph into a super model, but rather show how easy and quickly a simple editing program can “fix” my flaws.

As shallow and self-absorbed as I once was, I never would have thought it possible that I now agree with Audrey Hepburn when she said, “The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.”

Before touch ups using Aperture

After touch ups with Aperture

So to my friend who asked me the other day if I ever take a bad picture, I will say again, “It depends on how much time I spend editing.”

The sins of the father

Posted on May 3, 2012 by Joy

I have been told that the sins of the father, like some genetic curse, are passed down through generations. I’m not sure if I believe that? I have seen things that would indicate it is true and other things to disprove it’s validity. What do you think?

Do you have a father who does or did the things that you swear you’ll never do? Be careful what you think about. Wherein your focus lies, you will most certainly gravitate.

A recent conversation took me back 18 years to a time when I was thrown into the chaos that was my parents very messy, very public, divorce. I remember being furious at the judgement flying around. I recounted the headlines, the accusations and all of the nastiness from so called Christians. Within moments I was once again in the midst of one of the most tumultuous times in my life.

Wounds I thought had long since healed, suddenly begin to ache. Instead of a band-aid, I need a tourniquet. Pain that I have learned to disregard from years of unanswered questions now surfaces and I am left mentally struggling like a drowning person fighting the current.

I am no stranger to secrets. Secrets of my own as well as those of others that were never mine to keep. I have lived a life wrought with guilt and shame. I have stuffed mental and emotional closets full of regret until the door would barely close.

The problem with this type of coping is that one day, everything comes pouring out. And not gently, but rather forcefully. There is no way to prepare for when this happens.

The beautiful part about the sudden onslaught of contained darkness is that it forces you to sift through the wreckage. There is almost always one of two outcomes. Either the pain is too great and denial so deceiving that one is not able to rise above their circumstantial feelings or healing is found through a journey of painstakingly, rigorous honesty.

For someone who lived a life of secrecy, it is no simple matter to turn from the familiar and embrace the unknown. However, one reaches the point where the silence becomes deafening as it screams truth.

I began sifting through the wreckage ten years ago and here is what I have learned…

There comes a time when I must stop hoping for a better past, accept what is, make amends where possible, and live in the present, continuing to move forward.

Right here, right now, I release the sins of my father and the sin of anyone else (for that matter) that has been projected onto me, either by force or choice. They have no power over me, nor my children, nor my children’s children.

I am not beyond the reach of grace. When the voice of doubt shouts at me, I will turn my ears to the whispers of truth.

Today, I know better. And because I know better, I do better.