The Overcommitter Quitter

Posted on July 10, 2012 by Joy

We have all known at least one. Maybe you are one? That person who overcommits only to quit before the follow through and usually with only hours notice. I know this person well because I was one. There are times when I still slip back into the pattern of pleasing. It is one of the things that I detest most about myself! A defect of character found often in my blind spot.

No one likes a person who will not follow through. The kind of person who is the first to volunteer and then call at the last-minute or better yet, text to say that there is just no way they can make it. They are so sorry, but…

The worst part about this behavior is that it sets the person on the other end up to fail from the very beginning. It deems the offender undependable. Few things are worse than when you take someone at their word only to find that their word has been spread so thin that it means virtually nothing.

I must make a conscious effort not to say yes to every opportunity that comes my way. In an ideal world everyone would always be happy with me. My work would be unbelievable every time, even if something I’m not versed in. Everyone would want me on their team to offer my ideas and then carry them out.

Are you laughing out loud?! I know! It’s I N S A N E! It’s also exhausting. For me, overcommitting is just another way of feeding my ego. It’s Edging God Out. I don’t intentionally push God to the side. It happens subtly. That’s why ego is so tricky. It makes those of us who overcommit and under deliver look like the victim. Many people will even feel sorry for us.

Self-centeredness often comes disguised as an opportunity to help someone else. At least mine does. I have to look at my motives or the next thing you know I’m shh-shing God and striving for the acceptance of man. That which is not lasting, but feels so rewarding in the moment.

Henri Nouwen says it best when discussing The Temptation to be relevant. “I was suddenly faced with my naked self, open for affirmations and rejections, hugs and punches, smiles and tears, all dependent simply on how I was perceived at the moment.”

I’ve shared with you before that I have to strip myself of everything, stand before a full-length mirror and speak aloud to God. To some it sounds crazy while to others it’s genius.

It has been many years since I was blindly living my life to please everyone else. I will use Nouwen’s words again when he was asking God for clear direction with important decisions and he said, “I was living in a very dark place and the term “burnout” was a convenient psychological translation for a spiritual death.”

When my soul purpose is to please Christ, the one who made me and everything on earth and in heaven, my life can be rich and full without being overwhelming. When my attention drifts from the giver and sustainer of all that is good, it’s only a matter of time before I am brought to my knees.

I have released myself from the chains of people pleasing through overcommitment. I have some incredible friends who, in their wisdom, with kindness and love, help me back to my center. It takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s work, but I am here to tell you it is attainable. You will need someone you trust to point things out to you without the fear of being chastised. Like anything else that’s worth having, it means sacrifice and transparency.

Well, what are you? Are you an overcommitter? An overcommitter quitter? Or a healthy balance when it comes to demands?

Who do you think you’re fooling?

Posted on July 7, 2012 by Joy

Let me start by saying, “I’m not sure this warrants an entire post.” However, I need some feedback.

While looking through FB profiles of my peeps, several times I found myself asking, “Why are they standing with all of those ‘older’ people?!” Only to realize that it was someone my age. We may have even been in the same class?!

This thinking presents a problem (of my own making of course!). Is it me? Do you do this? Do you look at other people your age and think, “Wow! When did that happen?! When did we get so old?!” Do you think to yourself, “Do I look that old?”

I’m guessing you are thinking that I am a self-absorbed wretch. And I get that, but let me ask you this… Have you ever thought these things? Am I the only one?!

As you know, I do not have a healthy relationship with food. Some days are better than others, but I would never call it “healthy.” My internal image of myself resembles something like this…
Some days I feel thin and beautiful and other days…not so much. I realize that this all points back to “SELF.” Ewww…that word alone makes me feel spiritually dirty!

Don’t laugh! This really has me thinking…Am I completely delusional? It is strange that, depending on the day my perception of myself varies between super toned, 20-something hottie and unfit, can’t buy clothes in a regular store, couch potato?

I am extreme. I’m fully aware of this. There is no happy medium in my world. It’s rather exhausting really. This is why I have tried to rid myself of my, what I like to call, “Extreme behavior triggers.” These are the things that make me act like a lunatic, obsess constantly and end up rocking back and forth in a corner not knowing how I got there?!

This is why complete sobriety (aka abstinence from alcohol) was the only way for me to stay sober (what’s a buzz anyway?). It’s literally why I only stop drinking coffee when my hands start to tremble indicating that I’ve had enough caffeine. It’s why I went to rehab instead of college. All or nothing. Go big or stay home. All in. Any of this sound familiar?

That is why I had to rid myself of this atrocious thing. Raise your hand if you like to get up every morning and base your day off of what this little beauty says. And then, for a lot of us insanity types, we step on it before we go to bed!

SO, I haven’t owned one of these since…well…since I was alternating between starvation and puking my guts up on a regular basis almost 10 years ago. What does this say about me? That ignorance is bliss? That I’m refusing to look at the truth? That if I don’t know, I won’t care?

That is nonsense. Of course I care. However, I have to retrain my brain to care the way that my Creator wants me to care. NOT the way the world says I should care.

It took me a long time to learn this, but I can say it with all clarity in this moment.

Are you listening?

His opinion is the only one that matters. Did you hear that? Say it. Even if in a whisper. His opinion is the only one that matters.

Some of you are thinking, “here she goes with the whole religious bit.” Wrong. For me, it has nothing to do with religion. It has everything to do with redemption.

One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 139. When I stand before the mirror, first thing in the morning and last thing at night, I commit my perception to Him. I stand fully stripped of all that I feel hides my imperfections and I pray this verse;
^7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? to be out of your sight?
…You’d find me in a minute— you’re already there waiting!

Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I’m immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.

^13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!

What do you think? Could you do it? Would you do it? Are you willing to approach the throne of grace completely uninhibited?

If you’re not a throne of grace kind of person, are you willing to stand before your reflection, stripped of all the things you use to hide? Including excuses?

Try it. And then come back and tell me about it. Don’t be scared. If I can do it, anyone can!

Photos were borrowed from my trusty friend, google.

Five Minute Friday: Story

Posted on July 7, 2012 by Joy

Yes, I know it’s Saturday morning, but sometimes Friday turns into Saturday before you know it. So, here we are. It’s still Friday somewhere…right?

I haven’t written a 5-minute Friday post in several weeks. I don’t know why exactly? I like this weeks theme of “Story” and after spending time with one of my closest friends last night, I had to join in the conversation.

Everyone has a story and for 5-minutes, here, on this page, I’m going to talk about Jill and a little bit of her story because I want you to be blessed by her life as much as I am. She’s amazing and though I don’t tell her enough, I want her to know that.

I certainly cannot do Jill’s story justice in 5-minutes. But you can read more on her blog at Ramblings on Anything.

Over the last five years, Jill has walked through some of the most difficult “life events” that one can experience.

She lost her mom to cancer, longed for a baby, had a beautiful baby girl, continued grieving the loss of her mother and the reality that her daughter would not meet this incredible woman who had shaped Jill into the woman she is today.

When she and Andy decided they wanted to try for baby #2, she knew it would not be easy. She had proven that “easy” wasn’t necessary. She just needed possible.

Over the next several months, she would deal with the heartache of more than one miscarriage. She walked through it with grace and never lost faith. After a tempestuous season, she is now more than half way through her pregnancy with their second (miracle) baby.

Like I said, 5-minutes isn’t enough to write about this amazing woman and her journey, so in these last 2 minutes that I have to write I will tell you why I consider her one of my dearest friends…

~ She is one of 3 people I know I can call when I am sitting on the floor of my closet with the light off and the door closed, having a moment of mommy insanity.

~ We share a mutual love for Twilight and know that we will go see the latest movie at least three times, not caring what anyone thinks of us! We like to take arm-length pics in the theater even though we know they will be dark and grainy. It’s about memories, not perfect lighting

~ Though she is far from being a germaphobe, she knows that I am and therefore, always has hand sani at the ready.

~ She loves my daughter and treats her like a human being not an annoyance.

~ I know that I can text her at 11:00 p.m. and she will answer.

~ She is the first person I think of and will ask to join me when I want to go to the symphony.

~ She is the only person I go and have mani/pedis with. (She knows I’m weird and will only go where they clean their equipment in an autoclave.)

~ When I am struggling with either something ridiculous or significant, she will treat them both the same and respond with wise and godly counsel instead of allowing me to focus on the things that are out of my control.

~ She has given me a front row seat to her journey through pain and loss, incredible joy and thanksgiving. She lets me walk along side her, sharing the deepest parts of myself and my world while showing me what it looks like to keep a strong faith during times of uncertainty. There is no judgement, only acceptance, grace and a mutual respect for the other. My life is so much better with her in it.

STOP

And Then She’s Gone

Posted on July 4, 2012 by Joy

Not too long from now, I will drive my Bella back to Alabama to the same “almost half way” point between here and there and I will tell her goodbye. As we hug I will hold on a little longer, squeezing her a tad bit tighter, communicating without words that I will miss her.

It never gets easier. I thought it would. I thought the pain would lessen and I would become accustomed to telling my child that I will see her next month. If anything it has become more difficult.

I seldom open up about this part of my life. These are not feelings that I like to stir. As I sit here, darkness all around, centering in on meditation, I had this thought, “Has any holiday ever been without that gnawing feeling of loss?”

Many of you know that anytime there is a child involved in a broken relationship, holidays are usually the most fought for time. Why is that? If there is anything that I have learned over the last several years it’s that everyday has its own unique meaning. Maybe we should start making up a holiday when we have great celebrations for no reason at all?

I remember when Chris bought me my first really nice, designer handbag. I had never owned anything like it. “Purses have their own bag to be stored in when not in use? Why wouldn’t I use it all the time?” He could not wait until the actual day set to give me the gift.

It was a Tuesday. I was in the kitchen when he came around the corner with the beautiful store bag in his hand, which proudly displayed the designer logo. I stared wide-eyed, wondering what this could possibly be.

“Open it!” he exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear.
It was so beautiful. Hand stitched, not one detail missed. It smelled like the finest leather one has ever seen, because it was. I ran my hand across the side and felt the newness and quality of this extravagant gift. “This is so beautiful.” I said. “So you like it?” he replied.
I responded, “Yes, I like it very much. Thank you! Why on this random day?”

“Why not on this random Tuesday? Now it’s no longer random.” he said.

I love that. Now it’s no longer random. I still love that purse and every time I use it he smiles and says, “Look, it’s the tootsie roll!” (that’s our nickname for it.) It instantly brings back a feeling of newness and surprise. I can close my eyes and still smell the leather.

If you’re wondering where I’m going with this, don’t worry, I’m bringing it back around. I brought this into memory because today, when everyone is celebrating by eating too much, ~~discussing~~ arguing politics and lighting things on fire, I will be thinking about my beautiful Bella. Wondering where she is and if she’s having fun…Just as I do every “holiday” that we’re apart. I will eagerly await her return.

Hear me when I say that I have an amazing husband who I have been madly in love with since the day we met and two incredible little boys that could not be more full of life. I cannot and I will not imagine my life without them. As I look at each one of them and think of how immensely blessed I am there is an empty place at the table, a voice not heard in the halls, an absent presence that represents our family “complete.”

We will not wait for a holiday. It may be a Wednesday, Friday or Sunday, but when my Bella returns, it will be a day of celebration.

I think of the family of my beautiful friend, Elliot. Her children are entering a year of holidays without their mom. Her father so eloquently wrote that when the children and her husband, Chris were at the grandparents house for Father’s day, Bradford (her little girl) said, “Something is missing…it’s my mommy.” I’m imagining that little voice. Children are so literal. They almost never refrain from stating the obvious.

Well today, something will be missing in all of the festivities. It’s my Bella, but I will see her again in a little while. She is still very much alive and living her life. For many, their loved one will not come home again.

Maybe today, as we celebrate, we could remember this, for some it’s just a Wednesday. Not because they don’t want to celebrate freedom and all those who have so willingly sacrificed everything to provide it for us, but because the celebration occurs on a different day and in their own heart and mind. Let that be okay.

I guess what I’m asking is, instead of judgement over how someone is doing something or not doing it, choose understanding. Maybe they just lost someone they love and they are now trying to navigate a world without them. Maybe they are missing someone. Maybe they are the spouse of a deployed service member and while everyone is celebrating with food and beverages, their heart is heavy.

Maybe today, we can start living life to the fullest and learning what it means to embrace every day as if it were a day we knew we could sleep in and overeat. Maybe, going forward, Tuesday will become more than just a random Tuesday for you too.

I am more than thrilled to let you know that tomorrow’s post about body image and self-esteem is written by my daughter.

What? When? How?

Posted on June 30, 2012 by Joy

This page is for all of the planners out there. Those much more organized than I. You know the ones who need to know what’s coming long before it comes so that they can plan how to execute.

Unlike those of us who often fly by the seat of our pants in hopes of having fun and finding lasting relationships along the way.

I am not saying that one temperament is better than the other. As has been proven time and time again, in order to thrive, we desperately need each other to create a healthy balance.

I’ve received feedback from quite a few of my faithful readers who have given both positive and constructive suggestions about the wide range of topics discussed on the blog. Believe me, I feel you. I am aware that not everyone wants to read about eating disorders, recovery or Jesus. Some people don’t want to click on a link expecting 500-1,000 words only to find photos for a weekly challenge. Where I certainly want to write for my audience, I also began this venture in an effort to avoid imploding, as I wrote in one of my first posts, “A Stranger in my Own Skin.”

Recovery, Jesus, Relationships, Loss, Addiction, Eating Disorders, Beauty, Light, Photography, these things and more are all part of my being. They make me the person I am today, right now, sitting here typing this to you. I cannot ignore one for another.

“Why not?” you ask. Well because you may be that one person who needs to hear something pertaining to any one of these subjects. One day you could find yourself standing at the edge of your cliff (metaphorically speaking of course) and you could be directed to something said that gives you hope.

“How do I know this?” Because I have been that person.

So, I have sought the counsel of someone much wiser than I who is rather impartial and we talked through several different scenarios.
~~I could have a new blog for each subject.~~ I’m just not organized enough to juggle more than one.
~~I could stick to one theme. The one that I feel I am more versed in.~~ That’s just not who I am. I want to learn and grow. I’m not going to only post about things that I feel I know better than anyone else.
I could schedule specific days for each topic while leaving myself a little wiggle room. YES! I LIKE it!

When questioning whether I have multiple personalities or not, please refer to the schedule below. This way you will know what to expect and when to expect it.

~ MONDAY ~
1-Minute Meditation

~ TUESDAY ~
A Prayer (either that I write or that speaks to the season I am in)
Several of you have asked if I could write a prayer every morning. If only it worked that way. The only time I am able to write these prayers is when I am in the right state spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Maybe one day I will learn how to turn it on at will, but for now, I can’t do that.

~ WEDNESDAY ~
Wordless/Worship (usually a picture)
Wandering (random thoughts)

~ THURSDAY ~
Body Image and/or (un)defining beauty

~ FRIDAY ~
Weekly Photo Challenge
Five Minute Friday

~ THE WEEKEND ~
This needs to remain rather open. I don’t always post on the weekend, but when feeling the urge to write something, I do. It is also a great time for me to add to my More than Words page. I am usually responding to comments, emails and catching up on the blogs that I follow. Every now and then I will post something from the archives that I feel is relevant.

I hope this gives a better idea of what to expect when you stop by for a visit. This list is not engraved into stone tablets and displayed on my coffee table. It could change. But this has been a pretty consistent pattern and one that helps me stay a little more organized.

I may post a picture on any given day or if a fellow blogger writes an incredible post, I will re-post or direct to their blog with a tease blurb on my site. My suggestion is that you have a fresh mug of coffee or tea and a little something sweet to compliment it while you read.

I am always open to insight, suggestions, constructive criticism and praise. Please feel free to leave any of those in the comments below or send via email.

If you are new around here, you may not know this yet, but I appreciate you more than words can adequately describe. I am so grateful that you would spend moments of your life, here, on these pages, with me.

Evermore thank you.

Tell me how you really feel…

Posted on June 28, 2012 by Joy

In preparation for a workshop on beauty, I sent out a survey to 100 women between the ages of 13 and 65. When calculating the results, unfortunately, I wasn’t at all surprised by the answers.

I found it interesting that more than half of the women who responded with “Yes” to the question, “Is beauty important for your overall happiness?” apologized for it saying that they knew it was bad to make beauty a priority. Every one of them claims to be a christian. If you look just three questions before that, the #1 answer when asked “What do you think of when you hear the word beauty?” is “Nature, God, Creation.” What is there to feel guilty about or apologize for?

Clearly there is a vast difference between our definition of beauty and what we think God says about beauty. Why is that? Do you think God cares about beauty? Why or why not?

Results for “Beauty Undefined”

What do you like most about your appearance?
#1 Eyes
#2 Hair
#3 Nothing

What do you like least about your appearance?
#1 Stomach
#2 Thighs
#3 Butt

What is the one thing you would change about your physical appearance?
#1 Thinner/More toned overall
#2 Stomach
#3 Complexion

What is the first thing you see when you look in the mirror?
#1 Aging
#2 Eyes/Hair
#3 Size/Weight
(A 13 yr. old responded with, “I see God’s creation! Wow!)

What do you think of when you hear the word beauty?
#1 Nature, God, Creation
#2 Supermodel, Actress (Tall,thin, perfect hair and face)
#3 Inner beauty

What makes you feel beautiful?
#1 Dressing Up
#2 Affirmation (mainly from strangers)
#3 Husband
(A 21 year old responded that she has never felt beautiful.)

Has your dad ever said you are beautiful?
Yes 65%
No 35%

Is beauty important for your overall happiness?
Yes 92%
No 8%

How old were you when you remember first feeling self conscious?
#1 12 years old
#2 8 years old
#3 5 years old

Do the women in your life make you feel valued?
Yes 94%
No 6%

What would you tell the 5 year old you if you could go back and tell her anything?

Don’t listen to what others think, don’t let it dictate what you think of yourself.
You are going to be told A LOT about beauty and how to be beautiful. As hard as it may be, focus on the fact that God made you beautiful and that’s all that matters! God’s love is more important than anything else.
Find your beauty by looking inside not outside. True beauty starts in the heart and works it’s way out.
You’re beautiful no matter what!
Be true to yourself.
Cultivate a lifestyle of health.
People are too concerned about themselves to notice all of your flaws.
Feel beautiful for yourself on your terms. If you do it for someone else, they will take it with them when they leave.
Beauty comes from how you live and treat others. Some of the most beautiful people I know laugh a lot.
Love yourself first, be confident!
This will pass and you will be fine.
Don’t listen to the lies.

This is the 2nd post in a series of posts about beauty and body image. There will be a new post every Thursday about this subject. If you would like to join in the discussion, let me hear from you. All submissions can remain anonymous when posted by contacting me here or you may leave a comment in the section below. If you would like a pdf copy of these results, click here.